Debts Repaid
by crayonboxromance
Summary: I am Kayleigh Gallagher and my new goal in death is revenge on Middle-Earth. Screw you Hobbit, this is my plot now.
1. Blatent Character Introduction

_Yes folks! Another 'girls falls in to Middle-Earth' farce._

_It's just such a wonderful and wish-fulfilling idea that I had to have it._

_And then run away with it laughing hysterically._

_And to the appease the Copyright Gods: Disclaimers everywhere! Be free little ones and tell the world that I do not own any of this gorgeous franchise._

_Also a side note: This was deleted last time because of my failure to read the Terms and Conditions. Anyway hope those of you who were with me before and still here!_

* * *

When you die you generally expect some kind of fanfare right? Well tough luck kiddies, you'll get none of that here. You also don't expect to be able to tell people about it from beyond the grave yet here we are. My story, leading up to my death, is quite common and boring actually but I'm going to tell you anyway so sit yourself down and pretend you're interested. On Earth, in the wondrous Isle of the Brits, I spent twenty six happy years minding my own business. My life usually consisted of drifting from one place to another, finding jobs where I could and spending my money on classes and holidays. Hiking was my forte, still is sometimes, when I'm permitted to leave. Right at this moment in time, I'm being tucked away from the world for my own safety. You'll see why. When not on holiday or even when I was I stuck my nose in a book for the most part. Sometimes I even went out and allowed myself a little tipple down the pub with mates. A lot of the time I was collecting skills because I'm extremely fickle and change my hobbies like I change clothes. To be fair, this isn't as often as you might hope. I spent a lot of time, when not deciding what to do with my life other than hiking, in my pyjamas. I taught myself to sew, to play the piano which really has no practical use at all in this world. I took up a sword fighting class once only to cut my leg open and decided that I was more of a cook. When I had a very boring temp job, as this is how I funded everything, I once decided to learn Elvish. I'm an avid Tolkein fan. Now this is important and will most definitely come in to play later but for now I'm still going to talk about myself. I am a delight.

I digress. Anyway I once learnt survival skills, like those Bushcraft things? Yeah my then boyfriend took me on one. Never again. Not willingly anyway. It came in handy when I got lost hiking and now of course. I only did this twice and it was the second time that everything changed

I, Kayleigh Gallagher, woke up to find myself dead. No, really. I _died_. Actually I've done this four times now but I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's focus on the first time. Hiking in New Zealand, inspired by the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit, in a place with a name I can't pronounce. I fell off a cliff. It wasn't my finest moment, no. Although the argument could be made that my life wasn't a finest moment. Just a boring passing of time. Slow and meandering. Nothing like my life now. I plunged to the earth, the only thing concerning me was my lack of concern and I briefly cursed Peter Jackson and Tolkein for making such wonderful books and films.

It was over in five seconds. There was no shining light or pearly gates. My life didn't flash before my eyes. Death itself was actually quite boring. I did try to warn you. But _after_ my death. After I was blinked from existence from the only world I knew. That was when my glorious, sad, frustrating and wonderful adventure began.

I lay staring at the sky of the Shire. It was a vivid blue and somehow much different to the sky from back home. There was no pollution in it for one thing. At nights the stars shone as brightly as the sun did on Earth. The constellations were different. Not that I knew any from before but the stars here were definitely placed differently. In fact, everything was different. The grass was greener somehow, flowers smelt sweeter and the food! I could sit and wax lyrical about the food! But I won't.

I had, by this point of my new timeline, been on Middle-Earth for two days. I'd first opened my eyes to this deep blue with a new certainty burning in my soul. The first thing that I knew for sure that I had chosen to come to Middle-Earth. I was in Middle-Earth because I had asked to come here. Apparently my nose dive in to the Tasman Sea hadn't discouraged my love of this world. The second thing that I knew for sure was that I had a mission in coming here. I feel that it was given to me by the Valar themselves because only they would have the power to assist me in my adventure. Who else could bring me back from death and implant me in their world? Personally I suspect Aulë, the creator of the dwarrows. They call him Mahal but I've never been able to pronounce that properly without insulting them. With these sureties in mind I'd immediately found my bearings and begun the long walk to find Bilbo Baggins. Thankfully I was somehow magically clothed although I didn't question it at the time. When you die and suddenly fall in to a new world as a different species all together the little things don't matter as much. I wasn't entirely sure when I was in the Lord of the Rings timeline but passing a couple of dwarrows, now my kinsmen as I'd come to Middle-Earth in dwarf form, set things straight for me. I'd recognised the tattooed and bald head of Dwalin, this timeline somehow following the film, and I knew almost immediately when and where I was. It took me two days to find Bywater where I set up shop in The Ivy Bush for a night, offering my skills at cooking in place of money. I never once questioned my self-given mission although I did rage against my circumstances. Let's skip that though, it's very embarrassing. I did all of this out of instinct, calling upon all of the skills I had taught myself. Except piano playing. Really, there was no point in my learning that at all. After that night I went all the way over to Bag End and very rudely helped myself to the grass of his roof. I stayed there eating apples I'd stolen from the kitchen of the Ivy Bush until everything was in place.

So there we are. I lay staring at the vivid blue of the Shire sky on top of Bag End until darkness crawled over the land accompanied by a cool breeze. There was silence all around and it was the most perfect, pleasant evening. Then the dwarrows started to arrive. I heard the angry drawl of Dwalin, the fatherly clucking of Balin, the lively enthusiasm of Kili and Fili and finally the rest of the dwarrows bar Thorin. I also never questioned why the film was being followed. I'd mused upon it briefly before realising that I'd never receive an answer. It was after Gandalf had entered the adorable little Hobbit Hole that I chose to make myself known. I scrambled down inelegantly from the hill as my legs had gone numb and pins and needles were attacking me. I knocked on the door before even thinking about what I was going to say.

Hello. My name is Kayleigh Gallagher and I am here to fuck shit up.


	2. Meeting Mr Angry Face

_Thank you to the reviewers! **guest  
Keeper-of-the-Cheese  
**_**_Face 15_  
**

_The rest of the chapters are coming soon. I just wanted to give people a chance to start following and stuff again :D_

* * *

I didn't say that obviously. I wanted to make a polite first impression and they wouldn't understand the parlance anyway. The gorgeous little hobbit hole door, complete with etching by Gandalf, opened to present a very confused and upset looking Bilbo Baggins. His whole body seemed to deflate when he realised that _another_ dwarf was come to dinner. I tried to smile as wide and cheerfully as I could to help ease his suffering but it didn't really do anything for the poor bastard. I bowed low and said, "Kayleigh Gallagher at your service. May I speak to the Grey Wizard please? Send him outside if you could." Then, without further ado, I walked back down the path to wait patiently on the bench for the Grey Pilgrim to join me. The door shut slowly behind me and I could only imagine the confusion I had just put the poor guy through. I didn't have to wait long. Before I knew it, there he was smoking very impressive smoke rings and looking extremely confused. Gandalf was much more impressive in real life, tall, imposing and powerful if you knew to look for it. On the surface he just seemed a very kindly old man but of course I knew differently.

"I do not believe we've met before Lady Dwarf." He muttered, very put out at not knowing about my existence when I clearly knew him. My beaming face and smug smirk might have given that away for him.

"We have not Master Wizard but I'm here to tell you that I am a Seer wanting to aid you on your quest." I said it with such certainty that Gandalf stared at me for a while, his blue eyes trying to see everything about me from my just my face. In return I just gave him a wide, mischievous smile. For a few long moments he stared before he huffed and simply asked for proof. And this is where my extensive knowledge of Tolkein came in handy because I could tell him everything and more, "You are Gandalf the Grey of the Istari. You are Maia, also known as Mithrandir, The Grey Pilgrim, Stormcrow and Olórin. You serve Manwë, wear the Ring of Power Narya and arrived in Middle-Earth, from Valinor, in 1050 T.A." All through my carefully rehearsed speech that I had been practising for two days Gandalf sat up straighter and stared at me like I was possessed, "is that enough to please you Master Wizard?" Consider yourself schooled Gandy. Had I even been pronouncing anything right? I'd just read the names rather than heard them.

"Where have you come from Seer?"

And so I poured out my entire life story up until that point. Well if you can't tell it to a two thousand year old wizard who can you tell? I was pretty sure I had to tell someone otherwise I would've exploded. I told him a cliffs notes version of my brief life and death in the now alternate dimension of Planet Earth, my unconscious decision to come to Middle-Earth and my slightly grandiose theory that the Valar made that wish come true. When he commented on how well I was taking this, although kudos to the old man for not completely losing his shit, I almost giggled. If only he'd seen me my first day. I still don't want to think about it and I wasn't going to put it in, as mentioned last time, but Ori's insistent. Should probably listen to the little librarian.

Flashback time! Lucky you. I'd opened my eyes in dwarf form and thankfully clothed. I'd blinked for a good long moment. Then I'd cried for the rest of the day. Literally, the rest of the day. From the time I got up all through my realisations and my new-found certainties to the time I finally made it to halfway across the Shire and spotted Dwalin. I bemoaned my fate to myself, dragging my sorry carcass to and fro. Let's just say that I didn't handle it well. When someone told me exactly where I was I hugged them to me, absolutely distraught. The poor hobbit had no idea who I was, what I was doing or why I was crying. They offered me food, the only way hobbits know how to offer comfort, which I gratefully took. Then they sent me on my way with directions to Bywater. Wonderful little creatures as they were they were definitely happy to see the back of me. I, however, felt no such happiness at my leaving. Interacting with people only made the situation a lot more real. I'd been hoping for the entire day that this was all just a dream and once I fell asleep I would wake up, having simply passed out whilst hiking. I'd never passed out before but one could dream.

My high hopes and dreams took a very long and painful fall when I saw Dwalin. This was most definitely happening. I was most definitely a dwarf in Middle-Earth, I was most definitely on this mission and I was most definitely dead. Ensue more crying. Do you see why I didn't really want to add this in now?

It wasn't until Bywater when I 'manned up' and 'grew some balls'. I said this phrase to the Company once and they were all of them horrified. Changing gender? Why the very notion! Oin, Ori, Fili and Kili though had simply seemed curious, as to whether that were actually possible where I'm from. I'd simply said yes and deigned not to comment on the long process involving surgeries and hormone treatments. I'm not sure these dwarfs have even heard of the word hormones. Science does not have a place in Middle-Earth. English does though, I'm very pleased to mention. Westron _is_ English and thank God otherwise my meltdown would have been worse by maybe a week or more. All of this brings me not-so-neatly to where I was sitting with Gandalf on Bilbo's garden bench, discussing my wish to aid the Company. My entire afterlife was becoming more and more surreal, especially with what happened next.

"Gandalf." A familiar voice that I know for a fact can sing bass interrupted our conversation. I was interrupting the timeline already. The hearty voices of the Company could be heard from here and, if I'm not mistaken, Thorin's mouth twitched in to a possible smile, "you have with you a female dwarf." At least now I understand where Fili and Kili got their adorable state-the-obvious ways, "is she the fourteenth member?"

"No Master Oakenshield, she is a Seer to aid you on your quest. She's quite eager." Gandalf said in a tone that brooked no argument and stood as if this signalled the end of conversation. Thorin's eyes burned in to me and I stared back against his intensity with the same goofy grin I showed Gandalf.

"Tell me what you know Lady Dwarf."

"No. Shan't." I reply brazenly. I turned to follow Gandalf who was winding up the garden path, clutching his cloak so that it didn't trip him. It reminded me of Disney movies where princesses would hold their dress as they ran. My imaginings of Gandalf was a Disney princess made me giggle. Thorin, getting over the shock of being disobeyed, glowered his Majestic Angry Face at me thinking that the giggle was at him. Nevertheless he reluctantly followed up the garden path behind us. He pressed me again. Still I refused.

He growled, "_tell_ me, Lady Dwarf" a third time when all three of us were at the door but this time his hand strayed to his sword in a thinly veiled threat. My temper flared, as it is wont to do and often.

"_I_ am the Seer here Thorin, son of Thráin and this is what I know. I know everything. What has been, what is and what will be. What I will let you know remains to be seen." I added a very eloquent huff at the end, with my arms crossed and a scowl to rival Mr Happy at my side. For a moment he spluttered. Gandalf, the old coot, couldn't contain his amusement and let out a low chuckle. Just as he reached for the door however it swung open with the entire Company and Bilbo waiting to welcome their King. Only to find him in a Mexican stand-off with a strange female bearing a Much-Less-Majestic Angry Face similar to his expression.

What was it I said about polite first impressions?


	3. Invented Biographies

_I am super happy with the response I received! And kudos to_ **Keeper-of-the-Cheese** _for getting the Doctor Who reference ;)  
I'll probably be adding a couple of pop culture references so let me know if you spot them!_

_I'd like to thank:  
**3insteinComplex**_  
_**Dereklover89  
Leggylover27** for both reviews!  
**Vault108****  
** _

_I also want to thank the favouriters and followers! **xLoor, Dereklover89 x2, Vault108 x2, flame-dragon2 **and ** .ness**_

* * *

"Ah Bilbo, there will be one more joining us for dinner. Would you mind?" Gandalf said by way of my announcement. Something told me that he did mind, he minded very much. Immediately I tore myself away from Mr Happy to grin warmly at the assembled party who all looked very confused indeed. If I couldn't make a polite first impression than I could at least try for a cheerful one. My face had begun to hurt from all this faux smiling. Naturally I was still deeply unhappy, what with being dead and all, but there was no time to dwell. Also, if I was to remain here, I might as well play as much merry hell as possible, be as obnoxious as possible, which is to say my actual personality, and all whilst still trying to attend to the mission of course. Should probably have thought of a codename but 'Kayleigh Gallagher, undercover spy: so undercover she's actually in a different universe and changed her entire race' was just too long.

Back to my introduction. How does Ori enjoy my accounts? My narrative is ridiculous. Anyway. I bowed quite low, first towards Thorin to whom I'd forgotten to pay my respects, and then I gave a not-quite-so-low bow towards the others. The Almost King Under the Mountain apparently was mollified by my show of deference but not so much that his stony expression disappeared. This was probably to be expected.

"Hello!" I stepped in to the Hobbit Hole without asking and Bilbo almost had a hernia the poor sod, "wonderful to see you again Bilbo." I greeted him like I would an old friend and not someone he'd met and been talked at by a mere fifteen minutes ago. At least, I think it was fifteen minutes. I'm rather fuzzy on exact times at the moment so from now on I'll be purposefully vague, "Kayleigh Gallagher at your service." I gave them a mock salute only to realise a second later that they had absolutely no idea what this meant. Fili and Kili, those adorable brothers, were the first to recover. Fili blinked, glanced at Thorin who must've nodded or something because then he bowed,

"I and my family at yours."

"Oh I don't think so Milli or Vanilli. Uncle Happy Pants doesn't trust me yet. But thank you anyway." My eyes weren't on him though. My eyes were tracing every single, minute detail of the Hobbit Hole. It was such an iconic image and location in the Tolkein world that I needed to bask in it a moment. When was I ever going to get another chance at seeing inside Bag End? Smiling a genuinely contented smile I walked around nosily whilst the others were left to converse. My fingers stroked the desk where Bilbo would write his adventures down for little Frodo. I giggled at the disaster of a pantry. My eyes strayed to the fire where Gandalf would test to see if Frodo's ring was in fact the One Ring. Spoiler alert: it will be. Finally I got out a cookie from the jar I vaguely remembered Dwalin trying to plunder in the film. By the time I returned to the front door the Company were still muttering amongst themselves but came to a give-away abrupt halt when Kili noticed my arrival.

"Lady Gallagher," Thorin started politely. I discovered later that Gandalf had warned him to play nice with me otherwise he'd never discover my knowledge, "I would have proof that you are a Seer. Please." He tacked on afterwards although the strain of it made him look like he was going to pass out. I snorted and simply handed the cookie over to Dwalin. He took it gingerly.

"No need for such hesitance Master Dwalin son of Fundin. You were trying to reach it before your brother Balin entered. Hobbit jars aren't really made for dwarven fingers. Bilbo, your hobbit hole is gorgeous. Your father must have loved your mother very much to build such a wonderful home. Is knowing the past enough for you Thorin or would you like a little of the future too?" Thorin nodded his assent. Dwarves. So demanding, "Now what won't give anything away? Because you aren't to know the major details just yet." They probably could've actually but I wasn't willing to give it all away just in case they didn't take me on their escapade. Finding something small to prove the future was a lot harder than it sounded, "Gandalf will depart from us when we enter Beorn's territory." None but Gandalf knew what that meant but they accepted it when he confirmed that I was correct and he was, in fact, going to lead us to safety before leaving. It was all prearranged, "now that's sorted. Any food left?"

From then on everything actually went according to plan. Thorin proceeded to insult Bilbo profusely. Both of us sat at the opposite ends of the dining table, moved in to the hallway as promised. Both of us were presented with an interesting green soup concoction from Bombur. When I thanked him with a smile and his name the poor man blushed and scuttled away. Bombur is actually adorable and remains so. Kili and Fili crowded me, staring at me with the open curiosity that the other dwarves wouldn't risk. Little Ori's hands appeared to be hovering by his pens and his mouth was a thin line of suppressed questions. Then the grown ups started to talk, Bofur was making the face that announced his mind wasn't present and instead of stating the obvious like dolts they were the brothers of Durin spoke to me instead.

"So where are you from Lady Dwarf?" Kili asked, his large brown eyes wide and full of youthful ignorance and happiness. What the hell did I say to these poor souls? Would they believe me if I said 'a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away'? Probably not. So I told them the next best thing. A whole bunch of lies. Along with this question they had a whole slew of others I simply lied my way through. Gandalf nodded at me to tell me that this was probably a better idea than the truth. So now apparently I was a 79 year old she-dwarf from the Dark Lands, a relatively unknown continent just south of Middle-Earth. Because I was a Seer I was always protected and thusly never needed to learn how to protect myself in battle. How convenient. When Fili eagerly offered to teach me I accepted on the basis that it was just throwing knives with a genuine smile on my face. Not only was this the beginning of acceptance, even if it were by the most open-minded of the Company, but it was proof that my presence on this quest was set. Then came the question of 'if you're so protected where are your people?' from Ori. A very sensible question indeed but not one I had a lie for. Gandalf answered for me.

"Killed by a dragon. They're very common in the Dark Lands." Then the troll of a bastard turned back to Thorin having not answered the question at all really. All of the dwarves, even Thorin, suddenly held me in the utmost understanding and sympathy, all of it undeserved. With a smirk, his job of helping me become accepted done, the Grey Troll turned back to Bilbo who was reading the Terms and Conditions with Bofur's mouth running amok.

"Yes, that is why my people from the Dark Lands are not with me and why I came to Middle-Earth, Ori." I had no choice but to go along with it feeling horrendously guilty because the three of them were now looking at me with very soft eyes, like I was glass about to break, "however on Middle-Earth I tend to move from travel group to travel group. I had to get here you see, it's important that I come on this quest. My last group stopped in Bree and I continued on."

Somehow this began a whole slew of new questions that again I couldn't answer. Luckily Bilbo's fainting interrupted the story-telling. Rude.


	4. False Impressions of Badassery

_Dedicated to **Vault 108**  
_

* * *

Later on, just as I was nodding off by my place on a stool by the wall a loud, low humming filled the room. Shivers crept up my skin as I hoped that Thorin would have the same kind of voice as in the movie. He stared majestically by the fire, I'm pretty sure that he could sneeze and it would be the most kingly sneeze imaginable, and once the humming was at a place he liked he started to sing. Fili eyed me as I got goosebumps all over. If Thorin wasn't such an angry and completely narrow-minded dude I'm pretty sure I would be in love with him just because of his voice. If any of them noticed my humming and unneeded scatting no one said anything. All of them seemed to be learning that the best way to deal with me was to ignore me. Most couldn't exactly handle the way I knew a lot about them, thank you _Hobbit App_. I'd frightened poor Gloin who'd come over to discuss his family when he'd mentioned Gimli. My squawk of excitement made him jump a foot in the air although my gushing about how Gimil would become a very great dwarf pleased him no end. It was probably best that I didn't tell him that Gimli and Legolas would become one of the world's favourite OTPs and would quite literally sail in to the sunset. After that general conversation fell over the group.

We somehow stumbled upon the topic of tattoos. And by somehow I mean that some time after the song, when general conversation was leading the way and I was fully entrapped by Fili, Kili and Ori, I pointed out Dwalin's tattoos, "Master Dwalin!" I yelled over the commotion that comes with trapping fourteen dwarves in a hobbit sized living room. It was getting late but no one showed any signs of sleeping yet. The angry look dwarf with the surprisingly Scottish accent turned to me with a gruff noise to indicate that I might ask a question. Everyone around us instantly quietened. I wondered if I'd made some social faux pas before I decided that I didn't care, "you have a very admirable collection of tattoos sir! What do they mean in this land?" With the wonderful excuse of being from an entirely different continent came the wondrous luxury of being absolutely clueless. So far questions had all been from the younger ones of the group about my life and I'd been able to answer mostly truthfully, speaking of my actual home instead. Needless to say they found it very strange and I just found it rather sad.

"Mine are a tale of dwarven history and custom although some use them for showing off their battle stories. Why?" Dwalin was always a taciturn man but he never shied away from a question. It must've been what Gandalf, forever known to me as the Grey Troll although he'd never understand why, said to him about my fake dragon but it somehow endeared me to him. He'd got it in to his head that I had been there to watch as 'my people' were 'attacked' and to this day I haven't corrected him although this account will certainly change all of that.

"We have tattoos of our own but usually it's purely for decoration and personal meaning. I actually have several tattoos of my own." This instantly brought out much muttering. Later on I found out that the way of getting a tattoo in Middle-Earth was so painful and long, even for the thick-skinned dwarves, that only a rare few got them. Dwalin was just so badass that he had them everywhere. Unfortunately they now thought I had a similar of badassery. I don't. I was met with demands to show them my own tattoos. However, for the sake of employment, I'd always kept them hidden on my person. They were in places that I could easily hide.

"Where are they then?" Ori asked loudly, only to be shushed by the mothering Dori. Nori simply nodded along with the question noting my hesitance to show them. Kili and Fili agreed vocally and many others nodded. Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, Gloin and Oin remained perfectly silent although you could see that they were also vaguely interested. I'd discovered something about Thorin that I would teach Bilbo further along the line. If you only heard his words, you only heard half of what he was saying. His eyes, grave though they were, often gave him away and they were narrowed faintly, roving my body checking for tattoos.

"Places I would not allow any man to see my dear Ori." This wasn't true. Plenty of men had seen them. Well not _plenty_ but I just meant during the summer or when I went swimming or something. A blush crept up my face as Fili and Kili grinned twin smiles of lasciviousness carefully hidden from their uncle, "my back, thighs, hips and ribcage." I'd gotten a very ill-advised large back tattoo of a tree of life when I was eighteen for no reason other than to rebel against my parents. When I told them as such many of them blinked in surprise. Apparently rebelling against your parents was almost unheard of in dwarven society although the Durin brothers really had me doubting that. Thankfully, to break the silence that was beginning to stretch Gandalf made his return to announce that poor Bilbo would not make the journey with them. Thorin rolled his eyes. For the rest this seemed like the cue to finally hunker down and sleep. Just as I was to about to leave the Hobbit Hole and sleep outside because the grass seemed a much nicer place than the under the table I was summoned away by the wizard himself.

He led me to a different bedroom that Bilbo, for all his sensibilities, had set aside just for me. Sprawled around with mostly single and definitely older men was just not how a lady slept. What he had expected me to do whilst questing I had no idea. Thorin naturally had the best guest room, sharing with Fili and Kili after much pouting from them. Gandalf then settled himself down in the lone armchair whilst I perched nervously on the bed, "may I be made aware as to the nature of your quest or is it a personal matter?"

For a moment I turned this over in my head before deciding that maybe he could know after all. Maybe he could actually help in the end although I doubted it. However I couldn't say it outright for fear of being overheard so I settled on simply giving him a badly formed riddle, "no mother should bury her children and no siblings should bury their kin. There are certain debts that must be paid by another and in equal measure."

Gandalf left me to my slumber, muttering about the inane riddles of Seers. Who's the troll now?


	5. Bofur Has All the Tact of a Child

That morning had been rather pleasant if I recall correctly. There had been much eating, the younger trio had saved me a space and a plate to my eternal gratitude. I'd been so tired I literally just threw my face forward in to the food. Undignified I know but I never claimed to have manners. After breakfast, a genial affair although King Thunder Face looked as broody as ever. Clearly he wasn't a morning person. Or an afternoon person. Or a night person. Really, how was Bilbo going to get in his pants was beyond me. Not strictly canon but my pushing that would definitely come under 'fucking shit up'. The only real reason I wasn't telling them anything when this would also come under 'fucking shit up' was because 'you're entire line is going to die because you're a fucking idiot' was a bit scary on a first meeting. But I'd decided that they weren't going to die. Because they were so very pretty. They were just too pretty for God to let them die. In this instance I'm God by the way.

I like to think that by this point, after one night of chatting nicely with them and playing word games, at least Ori, Fili, Kili and I were becoming friends even though I sat on a throne of lies. I always thought that one day I'd sit them down and tell that it wasn't my people who were dead but me. However that might have led to anger at my betrayal, sympathy I didn't deserve and gross sobbing from my corner. I didn't want to change the way they packed my almost empty bags with spares that they had when they thought I wasn't looking or the way they stayed by my side when we walked to buy the ponies. Nor did I want to change the gentle way Fili helped me up on to my pony even though I'd informed him I knew full well how to ride. This wasn't a lie, I'd taken a few months break on a ranch once. Ori's constant questions and scribblings alongside Dori's apologies on his behalf was something else I didn't want to change. Bifur's excitement when I asked him to teach me Iglishmek, or at least his version, was palpable and it made me laugh. I understood the rules of not teaching outsiders Khuzdul but I didn't know if that was outside of species _and_ Middle-Earth. Iglishmek had no such restrictions and watching the daft git trying to roast lettuce in the film endeared me to him. Bofur's appreciative look didn't go unnoticed. No, telling them the truth at that moment definitely wasn't going to happen.

All of these wonderful, soul-comforting moments continued on in to the morning. It felt like there was a warmth wrapped around me, surrounded by friends. Just like one of those perfect days relaxing on a beach with a barbecue. Then the bets on whether Bilbo would turn up started with the bets split down the middle. Naturally I was banned from the gambling pool although some chuckled at my indignant face. The good mood wasn't to last however. It wasn't long in to our little pony trek when I was suddenly accosted by Bofur of all people who had decided that my perceived kindness towards Bifur needed to be reciprocated, "so lassie! What will you be doing with yourself after we've reclaimed the Lonely Mountain?" Then he eyed me rather obviously to decipher my reaction. I could only assume he was trying to figure out whether or not they _would_ reclaim the mountain. Instead my eyebrows furrowed as I went deep in thought. Well shit, I'd only been in the Shire for two days. How was I supposed to know what to do with myself after a quest? I also had another sixty years to kill before my knowledge was required again. That is assuming I hadn't changed the entire course of time by being here. I hoped so. That sounded fun.

"I don't know Master Bofur. I rather enjoy travelling, I might do that since there's so much of this fair continent I have yet to see. After that, who knows! Might even settle down with a nice dwarf lad who doesn't mind the fact that I'm absolutely clueless about absolutely everything." I was told afterwards that Fili or Kili may have unknowingly puffed out their chests a little bit at this. I would've blushed had Bofur not distracted me with,

"Will you not try and go back home?"

Yes thank you Bofur for making me feel so suddenly and ridiculously upset. A practical tsunami of emotion flooded me and I dipped my head so that no one could see the watery eyes, "I don't have a home Bofur." I could see him cursing himself so I swallowed it all down and shot him a reassuring grin. Let's not have one of the nicest guys ever feeling guilty and bad, "No home and no people. What a sorry sight I must be for you all! Don't you worry about me Master Toymaker. Everything will be alright for me in the end. And you can trust me on that, I'm the Seer after all!" Okay so my jolly tone might have been a wee bit forced at the end although no one cared to comment. All of the dwarves listening in shifted uncomfortably but shot me smiles they didn't feel. Bilbo unwittingly broke the awkward silence, for which I almost whipped out the Awkward Silence Turtle, by tripping his way in to our woodland glen. I waited until Balin had checked the terms and conditions, Bilbo was safely astride his pony and all handkerchief catastrophes were safely averted by me before I spoke to him. I'd taken one covertly before we left and managed to slip it to him before he asked out loud.

"Glad you're here Baggins old chum. I would play riddles with you. Will you indulge me?" My attempt to make Bilbo feel at least a little welcome as well as sharpening his mind in readiness was interrupted by Fili and Kili catcalling things like 'yeah we'll indulge you' with perverted tones. Why did I think introducing them to sex jokes would be a good thing? Luckily Bilbo ignored them and turned all of his attentions on me. He asked me to start.

"_A poison of the soul, passion's cruel counterpart; from love she grows, till love lies slain._"

"Jealousy." He answered straight away with a smug grin. Well damn Hobbit Boy you got that down. No wonder you won the One Ring of Power. And then used it to avoid awkward social interactions. You are one of my people Bilbo, let's be friends.

"No fair!" Kili called, "we never got a chance to think. Give us another!"

The rest of the day was claimed with a charming and hilarious battle of wits. I could definitely have gotten used to that.


	6. All Aboard the Angst Train

_All aboard the angst train dear readers!  
_

_And for those of you who had been following the story before it was deleted, a completely new chapter is coming up after this!_

_And today the award winners are:  
**Guest  
Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
Beinedhiel x2  
Vault108 x2  
blazingwing  
**_

_Last but not least the nominees are: **Beinedhiel x2, Pirate-chan x2, Random Tweaker **and **blazingwing**  
_

* * *

We trekked for hours and for someone who rode for three months solid I was woefully unprepared. My ass was practically dying and my thighs were throbbing. I was sure that I'd be walking like John Wayne for days to come. _The Apache Song_ by _the Shadows_ would be my theme tune, I would befuddle them all with pretending to shoot bullets from my finger _pew pew _and I would be making myself giggle at my 'hand' gun. All of the friends I made this afternoon, including the adorable main character, would fade away and I would be left behind deemed too unusual by dwarf standards.

Luckily none of this happened. All I did was moan embarrassingly loudly when I slipped off the horse. And by slipped off I meant literally just stayed ram rod straight while my entire body went sideways. I just let myself fall to the floor. Or I would've had Dwalin not randomly stepped forward to pluck me up like I was a rag doll.

"Not used to riding girl?" He set me back down, making me feel unbearably small. I was four foot one now and Dwalin was around five foot which was something I did not appreciate.

"There's a difference between riding and performing an endurance test. I also prefer walking. You know a slow meander, take in the sights, roll around on evergreen hills and all of that. Get me?" Words flung themselves from my mouth willy-nilly because I was so embarrassed by my awkward dismount. Dwalin just grunted and chose that old but golden 'ignoring me' route. Can't say I blamed him at all. My face must have been a bright red because Kili teased and Fili slapped me on the back. I'm sure he meant it for comfort but all it did was send me stumbling towards Bifur with the force of it. The cranky old dwarf simply pushed me back and thus a new game started. A new game of pushing me back and forth because they'd discovered with delight just how little I could fight their strength. In the end I didn't mind it so much because they didn't hurt and the feeling was akin to being thrown about by a fairground Waltzer. My loud squealing and giggling amused many but Thorin barked out a brusque command for us to stop. Immediately whoever I had been chucked in to at the time grabbed me around the waist and I latched on to their shoulders. Sheepish apologies were exchanged but I couldn't manage one since I was still red-faced and out of breath. Fairgrounds always held a certain magical quality for me, the fast rides always leaving me out of breath and laughing. Maybe it was the lights in darkness, the smell of popcorn or just the sheer enjoyment seeping from everyone. It was this feeling I was busy recapturing when I figured out that it was Fili still holding me. Well we were holding each other and the poor lad looked greatly discomforted. Looking back I can see why. We must've looked a right sight; me with my heaving chest, incriminating blush and sparkly memory eyes and him with his arms around me in what is classed as quite an intimate embrace for a dwarf.

"Well how about some food?" I exclaimed loudly tearing myself away with a giggle bordering on hysterical. The mention of food seemed to be this group's motivator. Almost instantly they were galvanized into action. Not ten minutes later bedrolls were out, a fire was going, food was cooking and the Company sat around the hearth whilst Bilbo secured the ponies. I sat between Ori and Bifur, keeping distance from the Durin brothers although for the life of me I couldn't figure out why at that point. Songs were being sung while we ate. I don't wanna mention the food, it was appalling. My tongue felt like it was going to fall off. It wasn't the almost unnatural food from home and neither was it the hearty, organic meals of the Ivy Bush.

After that everything collapsed for me. Everything that I had been clamming up after the first day and everything I had swallowed down today just came out. And all thanks to some little sentences of mine. I had just been asked to sing them the song of my people. I picked _Times They Are A-__Changing_. My first thought of _Poker Face _didn't seem a viable option. I can't say the others truly understood what it meant although the line about parents not knowing the best for their children made them scandalised. Really, such nineteen fifties sentimentality. "What an interesting song Lady Seer." Dori grinned at me. He seemed to like me since I was becoming friends with Ori.

"Why thank you! It's my brother's favourite. He loves to sing it in the bath and when he's drunk we'll dance around the living room to it. He's ridiculous but-" Abruptly my voice stopped, leaving my mouth hanging open as I realised my mistake. Michael, my impulsive, reckless, twin brother, was no longer my present tense. Michael was my past just like I was his. Was he mourning right now? Did he know I'd died? Last we spoke he'd been doing VSO in Africa. We'd Skyped and I'd called him an idiot for not travelling with me. My flame haired fairy like brother with his sweetness and light, how had he reacted to my passing? Michael was quite lucky in the end. When people die the world loses one person but the people who die lose everyone. I stood up, having sat with my mouth hanging open and tears running down my face for the past five minutes, and walked briskly in to the forest. When I was sure no one could hear me I knelt down and let out a keen wail. About time I guessed.

"We understand." A voice said behind me. Holy hell where had he snuck up from?

"Don't insult me Fili, Heir Under the Mountain." Seriously, what is his last name? "How could you possibly understand? Your home is waiting for you to reclaim it. There's a slight dragon in the way but it's there. I have _nothing_. There is absolutely nothing waiting for me. My home doesn't exist any more! Everything I knew is gone." My point was proven but apparently there was more rage tripping off my tongue. This is why you don't bottle up emotions kids. They run away with you and leave you as empty as I was about to feel, "meanwhile your mother, uncle and brother still live and are by your side. But me! Family gone. Friends gone. Lovers gone. _Everyone_ is gone." All of the people I loved or ever loved no longer existed for me. The more I thought about this the more my voice rose in anger, despair and absolute pain. My head started collecting all of my memories and categorising everything I would never feel again just to torment me. It wasn't even the big things I'd miss but all of the tiny stuff. I'd never feel the warmth of freshly laundered clothes or have a hot chocolate in a coffee shop on a mid-winter day. I'd never hold a comic in my hand, trace the lines of my favourite book or see a film ever again. Oh my God _Tom Hiddleston_ was no longer a part of my fangirl dreams.

"We're here for you." Poor Fili. He was trying so hard to make everything okay for me again. All he wanted was for me to get back to the happy, obnoxious and sarcastic young dwarf who adored aggravating their uncle and pulling pranks on Ori. I hadn't the heart to tell him that she might never have existed. Instead I blurted out the worst thing I could've said at that moment,

"I don't want _you_!" His face would've broken my heart had it not been already, "I want my grandfather's war stories, my brother's stupid jokes or my mother telling me to come home and stop travelling already. I want all the time I never spent with them back. I want them back." My voice had risen to such a fury at this point that when it broke everything inside me seemed to break. The rest of my body crumpled. Fili caught me. And if I sobbed 'why can't I go back' in to his ear before howling then that was nobody's business but our own.

When we returned to the Company, all of them masters at not mentioning uncomfortable things, all but Gloin who was on watch was asleep. Without discussion Fili pulled my bedroll over to his and we settled together. Instinctively Kili shuffled closer to his brother and together we created an odd train. Kili's arm around Fili's waist and Fili's around mine.

Sleep was quick with the warmth of the brothers. Before I fell asleep though a thought sprung to mind. I'd missed the Azog story and along with it the chance to tell Thorin he was alive. Oh well, I could totally fake a vision later on.


	7. Staying at a Wayside

_Woot! We get to a point where this chapter hasn't been published before! Finally :D_

_Okay so this chapter is dedicated to **Beinedhiel **who gives such glorious compliments! And **Random Tweaker** for a wonderful outburst!_

_Time to add in the disclaimer I feel. I do not own anything recognisable, a fact that makes me weep copious amounts of emotion._

* * *

Knock, knock. Well hello opportunity, thanks for calling. Thorin roused me earlier than everyone else and disentangled me from Fili. Thank you sir, that would've been a very awkward morning after and with absolutely none of night before advantages. Especially since he had seen me cry. Only my family had ever seen me cry and I was in full embarrassment mode. The rest of the day would consist of me avoiding everyone's eye but his most of all. So when it came down to it I fully relished being greeted by Thorin's face silhouetted by the rising sun. A very fine thing to wake up to indeed.

"Get up Seer. You have a job to do." He grumbled. Apparently my awesome 'visions of the future' weren't enough of a help for the Company... yeah fair enough. I slapped his hands away from the scruff of my shirt. Did I ever tell you how uncomfortable the clothes I woke up in were? Because seriously, think the itchiest wool jumper you know and times it by the uncomfortableness of sequins. I hadn't thought about it either up to that point but how did I even wake up as a dwarf and clothed? When I'd looked in to the mirror of my room in the Ivy Bush I still looked like myself, ugly by dwarf standards but passable by my world's standards. Did someone who conveniently looked like me conveniently died around the same time as me and we swapped over? This is my favourite theory because it meant that in my world my body still lived and was occupied by a very scared but still alive dwarf. Maybe my fear of my family's mourning was unfounded. Maybe that's why I was chosen for this. That sudden flash of inspiration had made me extremely happy that morning and Thorin eyed me suspiciously as I rather cheerfully set about the job he had set for me. All my job consisted off was saddling ponies which I'd covered on my ranch break. My clear knowledge didn't put Thorin off watching me very carefully though. Once I'd finished the job, he'd inspected it and found it to his liking with an eloquent grunt I decided that the time to tell him about Azog had come.

"Thorin. I have something you might like to know about-"

"Lady Gallagher." Gandalf loomed up behind Thorin like a creepy harbinger of doom. Getting real tired of shit Gandy. I glared at him knowing full well that he had interrupted on purpose if his suppressed smile was anything to go by, "what a fine job you've done on the ponies. The rest of us have started rousing, we should be on our way as soon as possible." Now Thorin didn't much like the wizard but he trusted him a hell of a lot more than he was willing to listen to me so instead of asking me to continue my sentence he simply gathered up the troops.

The rest of the day passed both comfortably and awkwardly. I was subjected to horribly sympathetic stares that made me squirm in my saddle. This didn't go down too well with my body as it still hurt to ride. Fili once tried to lay a hand on my shoulder but I shrugged it off rather violently. The poor dab had no idea what he'd done but I couldn't bring myself to face him or tell him that it wasn't his fault. Other nations of the world might be quite open about crying but not me. I'm British. We're all about the tea, upper lips of a stiff variety and bad beer, all of which I thoroughly accept as relatively true stereotypes. However apart from that awkwardness I wasn't bothered, it was a lovely day and we were going at a steady pace. Bilbo and I played more word games and discussed our fascination for languages. Bifur decided that my Iglishmek lessons should start. Balin complimented me on my ability to steer the horse using my legs instead of the reins as I used my hands to learn.. Do not try that on untrained horses folks. I winked cheerfully at him telling him that it was all in the thighs. My faux flirting almost gave him a small heart attack. Everything was an interesting blend of comfort and awkwardness until we arrived at an inn for the night. Gloin had decided, as official treasurer, that we would find inns whenever we could. Inns meant baths and real beds so I was rather excited and, since there was a month until the trolls and Rivendell, I could anticipate a good few inns. Just as we were unbridling all of our horses however a metaphorical bolt of lightning hit me and a wave of terror crashed over me. Immediately I hunted out Oin in the opposite stable, grabbed him and loudly exclaimed about the menstrual cycle. The poor healer's face practically went up in flames and he started stammering about the privacy of women. Out of the corner of my eye, where the entire line of Durin were looking pale and Thorin was gearing up for an epic tantrum. I ignored them and stared Oin down until he answered me.

"Now I am sorry about this Oin, truly I am. But you're a midwife and I have to know how dwarrows handle it here. It's spectacularly different with my people you see and I _have_ to know." My urgency was more arising from the fact that if I didn't talk about it on the adrenaline rush of terror than I probably wouldn't ever find out. It was Gloin, amongst the other spluttering dwarrows although Bifur seemed to find it amusing, who grabbed me by the shoulders and dragged me in to the communal area set aside for our party. By a roaring and incredibly warm fire I was given leather straps, washable I was assured, and left with my mouth hanging open in horror. For five minutes I stared until the other dwarrows started piling in with ales and I hastily tucked them away. Fili and Kili dropped with a thud in front of me chuckling at my blush and shoved an ale at me.

"You'll be staying with us." Kili announced quietly over the rising merriment of the dwarrows. Poor Bilbo looked absolutely traumatised with a book he'd borrowed in the corner. Finally I looked up from my ale, which I'd set down, having quite forgotten my plan to avoid Fili all together for a while. Had he blabbed about my outburst? No it must've been my conversation with Bofur, "after the quest. When we reclaim the Lonely Mountain you can stay with us. As our Royal Seer or something." Whilst I could foresee a slight problem with the offer it was still totally touching. I swear I got a little choked up. Tears must have threatened in my eyes because Kili glanced at Fili, wondering if he'd said the wrong thing. Instead of crying I just launched myself at the brothers and clutched them around the shoulders in an almost desperate hug. They hugged back awkwardly with Kili's head on the top of my head and an arm around my shoulder and Fili bending forward and resting his head on my shoulder with an arm around my waist. I don't know how long we stayed there but I swear to god when I turned around my ale was gone and the dwarrows were drunk enough to dance. And here I'd always assumed they could hold their liqueur. Or maybe they just liked to dance. However the reason for their dancing could very much be the flute that Bofur had whipped out. A merry tune had the dwarrows jumping around leg flinging with no dignity whatsoever. My attention was captured as Bombur bounded past me with what I'm sure was my swiped ale. Bilbo started to clap a beat. Even Thorin allowed a small smile.

"Will you dance Kayleigh?" Fili asked. I blinked a little surprised at the use of my first name for the first time on this entire trip. A real smile lit up my face,

"Yes! How does one dance here?"


	8. Running Hysterically Into the Night

_Oh my gaawwwdd I'm so horrendously tired! But I got this done :D  
The trolls chapter, I had to split it in to two._

_Does anyone think this is going too slowly? Should I speed things up a bit?  
P.S Hope you didn't find the last one too icky. Just thought it needed to be mentioned a little!  
_

_Okay, my glorious thanks to you precious souls.  
**Keeper-of-the-Cheese  
DerekLover89  
Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
Aidan Turner's Wife **(well jel)  
**blazingwing  
Vault108 **(for the genuinely awesome history lesson)  
**Beinedhiel** (no worries :) I shall dedicate to you any day!)_

_And you lovely creepers: **2lazy2thinkofaname x2, Imogen Color, LadyGermaine213, run4life **and **katnor**_

* * *

Oh here we are! The trolls. I'm skipping the month we spent on the road. It was long, boring and I swear to god I almost bit all of their heads off. As a female on the road I have been almost aggressively protected to the point that it's frustrating. At first it was sweet with them helping me sleep warm or bathe without fear of being spied upon etc. Then it turned in to coddling me whenever I asked to learn something. 'Oh no', they'd say, 'you couldn't possibly do _that_. You're a she-dwarf. You'd get hurt'. I wanted to tell them just how badly I'd get hurt but I didn't want to scare them. I wasn't allowed near fire, swords or anything I might inadvertently poke my eye out with. My job was horse mistress. That would've been fine had Thorin not watched over me with the deepest of scrutiny as he tried to mind read the future out of her. Speaking of which, Gandalf had warned me to say nothing of Azog. It would only distract from the mission and Thorin would endanger the lives of everyone by beginning a desperate hunt. The only reason I accepted not saying was because I didn't know how his existence would affect this plot line. I guessed that Jackson had designs on Azog being the big bad for the Battle of Five Armies but whether that would happen here I didn't know. Most of me was insanely curious to find out though. Part of me was also curious to see Thorin just Hulk out.

The month was also filled with a great many talks about the nature of time. Apparently my wibbly wobbly explanation wasn't enough. Bofur liked to bug me with questions about fate. To explain my own fallacies and to cover any changes to the plot I hoped to incur I gave them my personal opinion. Fate is a loose concept, I told them. There are a great many endings to each of our tales and all of our actions will head us in to a different path. We might be travelling one path and, a simple action later, our path will change, sometimes drastically. Bofur quickly got the concept by suggesting there was no one true path but countered with the logic of how I could be a Seer if there were no true paths. He seemed to accept my answer of there being fixed points in time that would happen regardless. Hopefully that would prove right in the end. Spoiler alert: it did.

Another speaking of which, yay for trolls! We finally arrived at the burnt out farmer's house of the movie. Although to be fair I didn't fully recognise where we were until I saw Gandalf stalk past in a tantrum. "The wizard is right. We shouldn't stay here." I announced loudly once Gandalf is safely out of reach. I _want_ to stay here and see trolls but now would also be the perfect time to show off my mad psychic skills.

"What do you know Seer?" Thorin grumbled at me. He's on a permanent pissed-off-at-me rage because I won't tell him what he wants to know especially when I tease him with hints. 'Can't wait to see Erebor's treasury... when Bilbo breaks in', 'celebrating the recovery of Erebor is gonna be so awesome... if it happens' and 'oh hey Thorin, how about them heirs of yours hey? What babes'. The last one is more to tease him about my friendship with the princelings. I've already received the warning off talk about marriage, heirs and certain responsibilities. I just patted him on the head like he was adorable and dashed off laughing hysterically in to the night.

"Seriously? Are we really going there? Okay let me run down exactly what will happen tonight. You'll put Fili and Kili in charge of the ponies. For some reason unbeknownst to even me they will somehow miss the great ruddy troll stealing two ponies. Then Bilbo will be sent to deliver them the stew Bombur is making tonight. He will be tricked by your mischievous nephews into collecting the ponies and he will, in fact, almost achieve his aim because he's actually quite a good burglar. However then all of your company will attack the trolls to valiantly save him, fail and be roasted on a fire. Only Bilbo's quick thinking will save you. So, led to your deaths by your nephews and saved by the burglar you have so much distaste for. Is that enough for you or would you like to know exactly what is going in the stew Bombur will make?" I didn't know this obviously but I'd seen him eyeing certain vegetables all day with a thoughtful expression. Thankfully Thorin didn't ask me but instead glared at me like he'd only be happy if I was on fire. I stared him down used to this kind of stand off with my mother who had never approved of my life choices. Maybe she'd been right considering my last life choice had me falling to my death and ending up here. Finally Thorin spoke,

"We cannot move on without our wizard. _You _will be in charge of the ponies and find a place for them so that they might not be stolen." With this order Fili and Kili leapt up having slowly become horrified that they could accidentally lead people to their deaths. They turned to both me and their halfwit uncle for a way of redeeming themselves from an action they had yet to commit. I glared until I threw my hands in the air and gave a noise of frustration. I stamped off to the horses followed by Fili and Kili. This could not end well. In fact it really could only end one way. Whilst aggressively hunting down a place for the ponies, just within sight of the camp site because last time they were in a dense forest and that was never a good plan, I took my frustrations out on the Durin brothers.

"You know one day your uncle is going to have to learn to take advice from people who know better than him. Gandalf's spirit is as old as time itself and the wizard who contains it is as old as balls. I'm only 79 I know," I was actually 26, "but I can bloody well tell the future." Okay so yes Thorin was doing what I wanted him to do but that did not stop him from being a complete asshole about everything. Bofur had told me, as official story teller, that dwarves loved only once in their life. They prided themselves on being as steadfast and enduring as the earth itself. It must've been something to do with genetics because I'd always been a creature of flighty fancy but now that constant buzz to find someone new had gone. For some mad reason I too wanted to be enduring. But it also meant that Thorin needed to get laid. I'd muttered words to this effect under my breath. Dwalin almost socked me in the face and everyone else looked scandalised. Truly I could batter these people sometimes. So frustrating. Apparently many forewent pleasures of the flesh unless they were wed as they were obsessed with their crafts although gender didn't seem to matter. This was good for my scheming and matchmaking.

"Well-" Kili leapt in to defend his pigheaded relative but a dark look in the dying sunlight from me had him easing back with a shrug, "why don't you have a beard?" Fili whacked his brother over the head,

"By Mahal Kili, you can't just ask people why they don't have a beard." My shoulders started to shake at the inadvertent bastardised Mean Girls quote. What Kili said next had me howling,

"Well I can't grow a beard any more. I lost it in an unfortunate smelting accident." My laughter escaped with a loud bark and neither of the brothers had any idea what I was laughing at. Poor Kili thought I was laughing at his misfortune. Finally I managed to sputter out,

"I'm not laughing at you Kee," I'd given him a nickname I'd heard before and he didn't seem to find, "I can't grow a beard," Well I hope I couldn't. Give it time I guess. I stopped laughing long enough to ask where the nearest stream was, that I could bathe in. Since personal hygiene was non existent I had taken to bathing whenever I could since it was summer. Oin had pointed out some kind of soap root for washing clothes and body. The men guarded but the youngest amongst the Company had taken to doing it to, after I was safely bundle away of course. It didn't take me long to bathe since I didn't have to wash my clothes. Not five minutes later I returned to them after searching hair dripping down my back and their thousand-yard stare told me all I needed to know. Was stupidity hereditary? The complete morons had moved the horses deeper, the exact opposite of my plan, and were there with Bilbo and three stew bowls. I interrupted their confusion with a dry,

"Oh look. Our ponies have been taken by trolls. If only someone had seen this coming."


	9. Trolls Make Impressive Climbing Frames

_This always seems longer on word document!  
I just cannot stop her snarkiness, it's starting to become a real problem. One day I'm sure I'll write a serious chapter. **Serious faces.**_

_Anyway! The Academy Awards go to:  
**blazingwing** (I fear this may disappoint you. I'm sorry :(  
**Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967**  
**Guest**  
**Keeper-of-the-Cheese **(I'ma draw a beard on your face in you sleep :D  
**Lovely x2 **(who lives up to the name)**  
Vault108  
**_

_And the nominees are: **katnor, ArcheroftheLight **and **Hannibal lover**  
_

* * *

Before the two could catch me with their plaintive faces and wide puppy eyes I strode back to camp. With my hands on my hips I glared down at Thorin who was staring in to the fire dramatically. Honestly, did he have to make everything look like a really bad made-for-tv film? I briefly wondered if his hair would have it's own slow motion during the Azog fight but very quickly went back to my anger, "King Under the Mountain." I only used his full title when I was super angry at him and in full sarcasm mode. Instantly he was on high alert, "your ponies were stolen by trolls."

"Why weren't _you _watching them?" The little maggot had the bloody cheek to accuse me of being the problem here! I probably should have stayed watching them but I honestly hadn't thought that Fili and Kili would move the ponies when I had expressly told them not to. Those two, of all people, were the only ones apart from Gandalf who had seemed to believe in my 'abilities'.

"I have absolutely no time for your bullshit Oakenshield," I barked back, pink staining my cheeks as my temper grew. Told you I lost it too often, "_I _told you this would happen! Do not go blaming _your_ mistake of not listening on the person you should've listened to!" My anger is hardly an eloquent beast but it was doing the trick. Thorin's glare was becoming even more pronounced. He scrambled to his feet, no doubt to shout straight back at me like he was wont to do, but I cut him off mid-bluster, "now listen here you little shit. You're either going to have to accept that I know more about this quest than you do and follow what I say when I choose to say it _or_ you're going to find yourself short a Seer in the next few days. Your choice."

"Leave." I blinked. Wow. Thanks for that crushing blow to the ego there Thorin, you're a real bro. Silence fell over the Company, gauging my reaction. I wasn't surprised. I figured he'd ask me sooner or later considering just how much I irritated him and my continuing uselessness. However I always thought it would be over a truly epic disagreement with shouting and mud slinging, not three loud-ish sentences. Smirking like I knew something he didn't which, to be fair, was everything, I moved to where I had placed my bag down. Without much effort as the month on the road had set me straight with muscles I yanked the bag up making sure the bedroll stayed in place. Then I made for the woods. I may be leaving the Company for a short while but I'd be damned if I never saw live trolls. No one spoke as I left, even when I nodded towards Ori, Bifur, Bofur, Kili and Fili. This hurt a bit more than it probably should've. By the time I reached where the remaining ponies were hot tears were making my face itch. Instead of outright leaving however I simply crept up to the clearing where William, Tom and Burt were discussing mutton. And there I sat, in the undergrowth, watching as a familiar scene unfolded. Oh popcorn. How I wish you existed in this horrible, emotionally scarring yet still rather enjoyable world.

Not ten seconds later Bilbo snuck in to the scene and headed straight for the ponies. I was impressed with his quietness. Even without the Ring he probably could've swaggered in to Smaug's lair without much fussing. Bilbo fussed on the knife too long though and ended up being used as a troll hankerchief. Stick your wand up his nose Harry! Yes wrong fandom but godamnit why couldn't I have gone in to that one? It wasn't long before Kili, looking suitably upset I was pleased to note, staggered in to the clearing demanding that Bilbo be released. Then, with a mighty cry, the Company leapt in to save their errant burglar. Oh it was _good_. There were flips, teamwork and crazy laughing to carry into my nightmares. It just looked and sounded like so much _fun_. Which the trolls then had to go spoil it all by threatening to rip Bilbo apart. It just seemed so very excessive. Once some were safely bundled away and some were not-so-safely roasting over a fire that's when I decided to come in.

I slid on to my stomach and army crawled my way over to catch Bilbo's eye. Luckily his eyes were much keener than the dwarrows so he found me with no trouble. Trying to tell him to stall them until the dawn rose through intricate hand signalling was another story all together. I tried to make him perform the ventriloquist trick that Gandalf had used in the book. Two minutes of his confused face made me roll my eyes, "- into stone." I vaguely heard a troll mutter. Well if Bilbo wasn't going to get it then I decided that I should give it a go. Ventriloquism was never my strong point but these trolls were dumb as fuck. I was literally surrounded by idiots.

"It'd take all night to roast them." I tried to copy the troll who last spoke, "we should do it a different way." In my defence I wasn't half bad and the trolls fell for it. Light _finally_ dawned in Bilbo's eyes and he allowed the trolls to start arguing again for a moment before picking up where I'd left off. Job done I began to shuffle away on my belly ignoring Fili who had been unsubtly trying to catch my eye. Still hurt at their lack of defence on my behalf I flatly ignored him. Instead I simply shuffled away taking advantage of the trolls' loud arguing to hide my movements. Naturally I wasn't actually leaving the Company but I was off to find Gandalf who would then direct me towards Rivendell. If by that point Thorin hadn't come around then I would stay in Rivendell and exchange my information for Elrond's people trying to get me back home.

Gandalf was conveniently waiting at the camp with eyebrows raised. Not in surprise but in a Snape 'obviously' kind of way. I simply shrugged, "I told him the ponies would get kidnapped by trolls. He told me to leave the Company." With words that could've been an ancient curse or just a string of nonsensical frustrated noises Gandalf ordered me to follow him. Naturally I did. No way was I going to disobey an irritable wizard who was possibly my only ticket to safety. However he didn't know the way so I discretely led him towards the dwarrows with a hurry, hoping that Bilbo had managed to save them. We got there just as dawn broke over the massive rock, turning them all to stone. Very impressive.

There was muffled clapping under the sacks. Gandalf moved forward to start untying the dwarrows roasting after untying Bilbo first. Me? I simply clambered up one of the stone trolls and waited whilst eyeing Fili. He had to be quiet about my role in this entire affair. If he'd said I started the ventriloquism it would completely detract from Bilbo's Super Shiny Moment. More importantly though it would make me kind of wrong. Before I knew it the Golden Lion of Burgeoning Majesty (and can we somehow add gymnast to that title because his fighting style was Olympic standard. Just saying) was sitting beside me.

"So Bilbo saved us with his quick thinking." There was amusement in his voice. I didn't have to look at him to envision the small smirk.

"Yup." I returned happily, "I was right all along." Then I sent him a wink. Okay so he still wasn't forgiven for not defending my honour or whatever but honestly, who could resist him? Everyone would be all over him back in Erebor. Then I felt strangely content despite everything. In the end sitting on a newly stone troll with a very handsome dwarf in the middle of a beautiful sunrise _and_ in a world I'd decided to make my plaything wasn't the worst afterlife a girl could have. As I watched the other dwarrows pat Bilbo on the back my eyes found Thorin muttering to Gandalf, probably about the offending hobbit if memory serves. I couldn't resist a gloat, "let's take a look at the facts shall we King Under the Mountain? The ponies that Kili and Fili were placed in charge of stolen by trolls? Check. Bilbo tricked by aforementioned nephews? Check. Bilbo save you? Check. Is there anything I've missed out?"

He stared at me good and hard before he gave a curt nod. This was Thorin Speak for 'actually you've done well, I was wrong and maybe I'll listen to you in future'. Quite a complex fellow is our fearless leader. Then a _very _tiny smile appeared on his face. Seriously, that smile is some kind of recreational drug. It's fantastic.

"Bombur didn't make stew."

I laughed. Yup, maybe not so bad after all.


	10. Let's Pretend I'm Lara Croft

_So! The exact nature of the mission becomes clear! I hope you're okay with this :D_

_I was disappointed to see no impassioned acceptance speeches by the way :P just belatedly sayin' :)_

_Superspecialawesomethankyous to:  
**  
Vault108 **(you might get what you want much later on ;)  
**Lovely** (talk to me Lovely! Let me know you're not stone!)  
**Beinedhiel **(who has my fondness :D**  
Keeper-of-the-Cheese **(I'm torn between Stark or a Seneca Crane)  
**Stinging Fly  
**__**run4life**__**Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967 **(who are all babes.)  
_

_Also awesome thank yous are given to: **3insteinComplex, Stinging Fly, izzybr **and **Erudessa Luin** (sorry for forgetting you before m'dear)_

* * *

It didn't take long for them to find the troll cave. They're practically bloodhounds when it comes to gold, like they can smell it on the air somehow. I eyed Kili the wolf cub that he was just to see if he'd started sniffing the air or something equally ridiculous. For a second I'd waited outside not all that eager to dig around dead people's things, things that had been steeped in troll stench for a while, but Thorin had summoned me in. With hesitant steps and a wrinkled nose I picked my way past Bofur and pals making their 'long term deposit'. My snort of derision, a bad move since that repugnant smell instantly invaded my poor, unprepared nostrils, gave them pause. For a second they thought that maybe I knew they wouldn't come back here but quickly realised that it was due to my amusement at their gold lust. Despite other slight emotional changes due to my species change up gold lust hadn't reached me just yet. I had three theories on this. One, I had yet to experience the wonders of the treasury that was Erebor like some of the elders had. Two, I had never experienced the wealth that some of these good folks had and I always thought that having money bred an unhealthy obsession for it including in my world. Three, gold sickness just didn't effect some dwarrows. I mean they'd be a very unhappy race indeed if _all_ suffered from gold lust. It would be a wonder that they found the time to procreate if they were all consumed with sickness.

Finally I found myself in front of Thorin's 'elves have cooties' face. He handed me two daggers and then turned back to Gandalf. As a woman in this culture I'd been told not to handle weaponry. Now I saw that this was quite possibly a lie and just an excuse to not let me handle a sword. There had been a most curious incident involving me, a pony saddle and a knife in my hand. The day after that night time curiosity a saddle had fallen off a pony taking Nori with it. Very funny to be sure but I always maintain that it wasn't my fault. Apparently now though King A Little Happier trusted me just a little, enough to possess two tiny and blunt daggers.

Suddenly a frilly dress of now indeterminate colour was held up in front of my body as if measuring me against me. Kili was grinning down at me mischievously, "oh you're delirious if you think I'm wearing that sunshine." To illustrate my point I used my shiny new dagger to cut off a sleeve. Kili pouted in what I'm sure he thought was an adorable way. It kind of was so I simply smiled good-naturedly back.

"Not a dress wearer?" Together we made our way out of the cave thank god. Bifur signed something at me that I didn't quite get so I replied with a confused motion. Our Iglishmek lessons were progressing but some of it could only be translated into Khuzdul with no direct companion in Westron. As such I wasn't allowed to learn some of it. When Kili and I got outside we both dramatically gulped in the fresh air. I showed him my new daggers.

"Get in the way of these new babies!" I fully intended to ask someone to make me some thigh sheaths. They'd gotten all muscular and stuff thanks to all the walking and riding and thigh sheaths just look so badass. Could pretend I was Lara Croft with her thigh gun holsters _pew pew_. Kili didn't appreciate the noises but chuckled at my enthusiasm,

"You better get Fili to help you out with those." Something in his grin warned me what was coming next, "you know he-"

"Speaking of helping!" I interrupted a little too loudly and his grin just got wider. I hated him, "I'm not too good at close range so maybe could you teach me archery and stuff? I'll get a bow and arrows in Riv- whenever we get a chance to rest next." If Kili found out that the next stop would be Rivendell he'd pitch a fit. To be fair some of the Company weren't as opposed to elves as Thorin, Balin and Dwalin but still. If it got back to one of those three then Gandalf would be super pissed off at me. Kili however just grabbed me in a very unexpected hug. He lifted me right off my feet making me giggle. Archery wasn't the most popular of fighting amongst the dwarrows because it was considered too elven despite the obvious battle advantage so Kili was just super happy to share it with someone.

"Of course Kay!" When they'd started saying my first name I'd ground them down to the point where we were exchanging nicknames. Fee and Kee were obvious but Ori had been harder. Slingshot had been the most obvious one and it also sounded kind of cool. Then it had inevitably shortened to Slinger and then Sling. I had Kay naturally which I was kind of depressed about. Kay was always my nickname and reminded me of my family back home but it was better than Seer. When I was dropped back down I suddenly had Fili's glare to contend with. Now just what had I done wrong? I hadn't time to ask him of course because it was at that moment, with everyone now safely out of the troll hoard cave that Radagast decided to set the trees a-quivering. Thorin called out in paranoid distressed. Some hands tried to pull me back protectively but I shrugged them off.

"Oh for the love to Aulë," Being here a month had caused me to start blaspheming in their God's name, "it's just the Brown Wizard. Get away with you, the lot of you." To be fair they didn't know it was going to be him but I was a smidgen annoyed that none of them had looked to me to find out who it was. I mean seriously, I did just prove myself as fairly competent in knowing things. Was I being unfair? Also, I think I was slightly angry at myself. There was something important that I was missing, that I'd forgotten.

Sure enough though Rhosgobel rabbits burst through on a sled like a hippy Santa. What a beautiful moment. As much as I wanted to go up to them, join in their conversation and take a cloth to the crazy wizard's face I chose to wait. Gandalf would no doubt call me to confirm the back story of the sword from Dol Goldur. Fili and Kili stayed by my side despite my eyes fixed on the wizard. My head jerked in sudden horror as something very important that I'd forgotten trickled like cold water over me. I grabbed Fili's clothes and dragged him near. His eyes widened almost hilariously at the sudden closeness, "warg pack."

"What?" Kili barked out, sounding very much like his uncle.

"Everyone on your guard. A warg pack is coming." How in God's name did I forget that? Everyone looked to Thorin who nodded once. All of them had weapons at the ready. I jerked towards the two wizards both on high alert like it was DEFCON 1. Everyone protested but one look from me shut them up. To Gandalf I whispered, "When the time comes I'll be leaving you. You must take the Company and I'll meet you in Imladris." Because calling it Rivendell was just too mainstream. And also because calling it that made Gandalf think I had some kind of intimate knowledge on the city so that I might reach it safely. He wasn't too know that I didn't plan on reaching Rivendell alive at all. I complimented the Brown Wizard on his rabbits and went back to the group confusing Gandalf, "we should probably run now. Radagast, if you could please provide a distraction. You know as well as I that Gundabad wargs outrun Rhosgobel rabbits." This seemed to amuse him as he let out a belly laugh and conceded to my request. He sped away. As soon as the howls sounded off in the distance we were running. In the movie it lasted a good few minutes but in reality it couldn't have been more than seconds and there was no dramatic Howard Shore music. Just the huffing of reluctantly scared dwarrows and the petrifying howls and snarls of wargs. As predicted Radagast was rather bad at leading them away. We crossed paths more than once. And then my time came. _Again_.

We were hiding behind the rock where a warg was about to appear in front of having figured out our little ruse. Sure enough a low growl emanated from above us. Say what you want about the beasts they did sound suitably impressive. Thorin gave Kili the 'look'. The archer stepped forward, his bow already prepped. Just as Aulë intended I believe I had somehow become tangled in Kili's belt. The dwarf in question expertly shot the warg in the throat ignoring my desperate attempts to come free. The warg staggered but appeared otherwise unaffected. My tangled wrist finally came loose. The foul beast leapt at Kili. Hands shoved him back into the protection of the group just as I came free altogether. The beast fell on me instead. My back and neck snapped and cracked on rocks hidden by the grass of the wilds.

My second death was so undignified.


	11. Embalming Sucks Who Knew?

_Did that shock you dear readers? :D A good bunch of you had heart attacks and I was moved by your panic. Cos I am cruel like that x) although so glad that you're all enjoying the humour!  
I hope the silly riddle I gave you makes sense now! As does that little bit in the first chapter._

_But I loved the response and I would love to thank the supermegaawesomefoxyhot reviewers:  
**Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
Beinedhiel  
Leggylover27  
Lovely **(that acceptance speech made me tear up, it was beautiful ;)  
**justiceintheworldofhp-yearight  
SaintAequitas x2  
****Stinging Fly  
Suheyla  
****Keeper-of-the-Cheese  
****Face15**_

_A great huge welcome to some of you, a welcome back to others and to the rest don't go changin' you're awesome!  
Other thanks include: **Patchwork Knightess x2, SaintAequitas x2, Suheyla x2, loopy6111, Shedaisies x2, mamabam**  
_

* * *

So there we have it. One down, two to go. Kili's life debt to the great Mahal had been repaid. One of the Line of Durin was safe. That was the nature of my visit to Middle-Earth and the mission I was so sure I'd been given upon my waking up here. It's also how I've come to believe that I was genuinely sent here by Aulë. I mean seriously, who other than a god would allow me the ability to perform such amazing Lazarus impressions. I'm told the resemblance is startling. Quite unnaturally I didn't _stay_ dead. I was dead for about six hours but I could swear to you that it felt a lot like blinking. One moment I was falling on the plains by the Hidden Pass and a blink later I was on a ceremonial stone tomb in the middle of Imladris.

This part of my story was naturally told to me by several others but I shall write it as if I were actually there. Upon my death Gandalf had made sense of my riddle. A flash of understanding dawned on his face. When Thorin had confirmed I was dead, with almost no emotion in his voice I'm sure, Ori apparently let out an anguished cry. When I was told I was so grateful and touched that I'd hugged him all night. Others had muttered that they'd been upset but I stayed resolutely by Ori. In the end he probably regretted his decision. Fili moved to take my body so that it may be given a proper burial later on but Gandalf stopped him knowing know exactly _how_ I intended to get to Rivendell. When asked why by an angry Kili Gandalf simply sent my month-old words back at him, "there are certain debts Master Kili that must be paid by another and in equal measure." Oh you glorious Grey Troll you. Everyone had been unamused by my snorting when I was told this and consequently unimpressed by neither of us giving the meaning away. Gandalf led them away from me all of them raging against leaving my body behind. He'd left behind something of his, a simple piece of grey cloth tucked into my clothes, as a message to Lord Elrond. Apparently my body lying broken on the ground was one of the saddest things Fili had ever seen. My eyes were open and he felt as if they were watching them leave and judging them for not being able to protect me. Fili had gotten a cuddle when he'd said that. Something told me that he'd said it for the attention though but who was I to not cuddle the Lion? There wasn't any blood so it would've looked a little like I was sleeping was my neck not at such an unnatural angle. Then the wargs came surrounding them. Kili managed to kill two but they were too many. Gandalf led them to the Hidden Pass just before Lord Elrond's troops got there. They found my body no problem and Lord Elrond himself picked me up. The grey cloth told him all he needed to know. Apparently there's some kind of cloth language no one but these two know because I sure as hell would never have gotten the message 'meet you in Rivendell bro and take this girl with you, she's one of mine' from that. I rode, well I say rode. It was definitely more of a passive sitting as Elrond placed me. I passively sat in front of Elrond as he and his orc killing party rode back to Rivendell. When we reached it the dwarfs all gathered in their protective circle around sweet Bilbo until they saw me in the hands of an _elf_. Outrage ensued.

"This She-Dwarf is one of your party Mithrandir? We found her body by the Hidden Pass." Honestly, for an old as balls elf Elrond has absolutely no tact. He kept my body to himself, carrying me like I was a ragdoll, even as the dwarrows bayed for his blood. A lot of 'unhand hers' were exchanged. Even Bilbo managed to be offended on my behalf as it was awfully bad manners to interrupt someone's mourning process.

"We were going to go back and bury her." Fili offered loudly when Gandalf offered only a look of 'I'll tell you later' to Elrond, "please let us have the body." That's my boy! Being all polite and stuff to your perceived mortal enemies.

"You cannot bury her in the custom of your people here Master Fili." Gandalf announced knowing full well that meant burying me in the ground or burning my body and he assumed that I wouldn't like to wake up in either place. He assumed correctly. Dwarrows returned their dead to the earth and stone with which Mahal created them or their ashes were used for the mountains they lived in, "however if Elrond allows it maybe you may set up a vigil for her until we leave."

Much talking in elvish occurred then which involved Elrond acquiescing the request so long as they didn't bury me here. The last person to die here had been a mortal woman of the Dunedain and they did not want that sorrow here again thank you very much. He also offered them food.

So my body was given to the elves and the Company could do nothing about it. Dwarrow women were not touched by males in death unless it was their relative or husband. The women prepared the women for burial otherwise. I was dressed in elvish dress and thank god for it too because the dress I woke up in was so pretty. Waking up in the clothes I died in would be very depressing indeed.

Not two hours later I was laid to rest on top of a stone tomb conveniently placed in the middle of a pretty courtyard. When elves died their bodies fall away, like when Arwen died in the Appendices, so they were placed there until the time came. My hair had been neatly arranged and washed, Fili and Kili had given me braids so that I might not pass entirely undwarrow like, and I probably should point out that my body had been kind of reset to look vaguely natural. It honestly would have looked exactly like I was taking a particularly dramatic nap what with the leaves from the courtyard trees falling too. They'd taken their food by my side. It was all very touching.

Until Fili, having finished with my hair, bent down to give me a kiss on the forehead. I shot up to a seating position with a huge gasp, "Oh my God! I have such a crick in the neck. My back!" Yes that would be from them breaking dear and repairing themselves whilst you were dead. Everyone stared at me in open-mouthed horror not quite knowing what to do with themselves or the scene playing out in front of them. Fili was rubbing his forehead from where my waking up had head-butted him but his eyes remained firmly on me. After my tirade about the disadvantages of embalming for the recent not-dead there stretched a long, long silence. I filled it,

"You all look like you've seen a ghost!" More silence. "Too soon?"

Fili punched me. Yeah, a bit too soon.


	12. Curtsying is Best Left For Professionals

_The response to this story is making me all happy and emotional guys! I love you all!  
I'm glad you like cloth language, I'm thinking of just creating it myself ;)_

_Now I especially love you beauties:  
**Erudessa Luin  
blazingwing **(I'm not despised any more am I? :D  
**Guestgirl **(well since your pleases were so pretty!)  
**Vault108  
****Guest **(you are welcome!)  
**Suheyla  
amy x2  
run4life  
Lovely **(gets all the awards for getting both the casual Snow White cliche and the Aladdin reference! Four for you Lovely!)  
**allucinatoris**_

_Also some love for these babes: **Shedaisies, kurisu-chan18 **and **mamabam **(again I think) _

* * *

"What the hell was that for?" I screamed angrily as I reeled back from a punch that didn't hurt quite as much as I was making out. I scrambled to my feet, the black dress pooling at the floor. Maybe I could be all graceful with it like the elves? Yeah, probably not.

"You're dead!" Kili yelled in answer. Fili just remained standing with his arm hovering in mid air and his mouth hanging open. I took this moment to look at the Company. Everyone was frozen in whatever action they'd been performing before Fili went all Prince Charming on me. All of their mouths were hanging open. Balin, practically the only one to eat the 'green food', had a rogue lettuce leaf hanging on to his beard. Dori was halfway to forcing some other interesting greenery at Ori. Bombur had his fingers covered in sauce he'd been expecting. Bofur was mid-fluting and Bifur mid-signing. Nori, Dwalin and Thorin had been sharpening weaponry. Gloin was counting money but he'd dropped most of them on the ground when I'd shot up. Oin had crushed whatever herbs he'd been fiddling with. Poor Bilbo was sprawled on the floor in a dead faint. Not one word was spoken as they all stared at me like they were seeing a ghost. Can't blame them after all. They hadn't known about my little party trick.

"No I'm not!" I announce with a quirked eyebrow as if they were all being rather silly and I was amused by their antics. To be fair I was amused by their shock and horror. I really can't imagine what they'd been going through though. Watching a member of your Company, regardless of level of interest, die before you, you begin your mourning process and then suddenly they wake from the grave. It was the type of thing they'd only ever heard in horror stories around a camp fire to scare young dwarflings. No wonder they were all terrified of me.

"What magic is this? Gandalf?" Fili whispered. His hand was still hovering but instead of the previous fist there was a finger. He started poking my cheek just to check I was real. I hesitated as I let him prod my face until his finger landed on my now tender cheekbone. I hissed at him to which he replied with an, "I'm sorry!" Finally the horror at punching a woman, dead or alive, gripped the Company. There was uproar as they found something to cling to that they could actually understand. How dare Fili hit a woman and was that any behaviour for a prince? In his defence he was definitely acting on shock and later I was told that there was anger too. Making a joke of their grief, how very dare I.

"No magic of Gandalf's!" I yelled fighting to be heard over their din. It took at least three times before they could finally look at me without abject fear. The fact that both Fili and Kili's almost too-thorough exploration of my solidity told them I wasn't a spectre at their feast had set their minds a little at ease.

"The little one is right." Lord Elrond announced his and Gandy's arrival very imperiously with all of his sweeping and much ado, "that is magic beyond a wizard's power." I wouldn't be so sure there my good Elrondo. Gandalf does in fact have some astounding powers of resurrection but it's a one time thing I believe. Huh. Elrondo. Get a sombrero, a moustache, some maracas and we got ourselves a fiesta. What do you say Elf Lord? An immortal being who saw the first War of the Ring does not a good fiesta partner make. However I couldn't stop a giggle escape my lips as I imagined Elrond in a sombrero, swinging his hips to his maraca beat, "you seem in remarkably good spirits for someone who has just died?"

"And you my good Lord Elrond," I pulled a sweeping curtsy, "appear unsurprised at my resurrection." I didn't mention that this wasn't my first rodeo. The handsome elf took a step forward to examine me and I was surrounded by a protective circle swarm of dwarrows. Bilbo remained sprawled out unconscious on the floor. Apparently this time they weren't going to let me out their sights, "you must want to talk to me about this!" I tried desperately to be heard over their endearing grumbling but I made no attempt to move them. It was super touching. After only a month together I was now considered one of theirs. When Elrond raised one eyebrow at me I simply shrugged, beaming up at him, "I would be more than happy to discuss this with the White Council."

Elrond flinched just a little. He looked to Gandalf who shook his head to show that he hadn't said anything. There was a very heavy and confused silence. What? It wasn't like I wanted to join their super secret boy band. I just wanted to warn them of Captain Obviously Evil aka Saruman. A lot of pain could be avoided if they knew from the beginning. After what seemed like forever Elrond gave a very slow nod.

"We will wait for the last of us, another wizard-"

"Yes, I know of Saruman of Many Colours." Now that should give them a nice subtle warning of what I _really_ wanted to discuss with the Council. I hoped this would convene before the dwarrows performed the walk of shame out of Rivendell so that I might join them in their ill-fated attempt across the Misty Mountains. Not like I'd have another chance to meet the Great Goblin before Gandalf cut his chin off and incite all out war for the Battle of Five Armies. Goblins and Orcs vs the World I was assuming.

"He is Saruman the White." Gandalf in an almost fearful voice, just as slow as Elrond's nod had been. Both were looking at me like I was some kind of angel of death, bringing destruction upon their heads with my words. Okay slightly dramatic but the way they looked at me gave me some serious heebie-jeebies. I shook my head.

"That's not how I see him in the future." Cue more suspicious stares and slow nods. I wasn't entirely sure if their telepathic abilities extended past only being able to read the members of the White Council's mind but I kept the images of the Plantir and Saruman's white hand print on helmet in my mind anyway. I'll never know if it worked but Elrond eventually said,

"This is most troubling and from such a gifted Seer." The last bit he said with a wry smile making sure I knew that he was aware of my less-than-gifted origins, "The Lady of the Wood shall arrive shortly and you may have an audience then. For the mean time I shall order food brought to you and new clothes." I again curtsied deeply like I'd seen on television. I'll stick to bowing next time. Both the wizard and the lord swept back out gracefully leaving all of us at a loss as what to do now.

Some of the Company turned to me and started to give me odd looks as if they were seeing me in a new light. I would later find that the majority of them were greatly disconcerted by my knowledge but hadn't truly thought I had any powers. To be honest the only power I had needed for this was the ability to read or navigate the internet. However having someone of such high standing, even if it was an elf, trust my instincts enough that I was allowed an audience with their secret slumber party was proof enough for them. Well that and the fact that I was currently in funeral attire for _my own funeral_. No one quite knew what to say to me and in the end it was _Thorin_ of all people to bring things back to some semblance of normality. He gave me a push that had me falling backwards. Bifur pushed me forwards. Fili pushed me again. Once more I was back on my fairground ride and squealing with delight.

How surreal my life/afterlife/after-afterlife (I've lost track) had become. Being, quite frankly, molested by thirteen dwarrows with an unconscious hobbit missing out on all the fun dressed in the prettiest dress, if black, in creation with hair braided by princes, one of whom I'd saved from death by dying myself. All while safely ensconced in the Last Homely House East of the Sea. Or just Rivendell for those less pompous amongst you. Almost enough to make you cry.

I said almost.


	13. My Emotions!

_I've had a complaint that I'm updating too fast. I'll try to fix that issue ;)_

_I made a boo-boo so I'm fixing it :D :D_

_This is a Fili/Kay centric update!_

_The special people today are:  
**SaintAequitas x2  
3insteinComplex **(high five! I didn't think anyone would get it but you seriously win :D  
**Vault108  
Guestgirl  
Beinedhiel **(we both need robes. Have some kind of exclusive club!)  
**B The Shadow Ninja Samurai **(your name is genius!)  
**Lovely **(you're not loony-tunes! You're just right :)  
**Suheyla  
Face15  
Keeper-of-the-Cheese **(I'm going to pretend I understand medieval Japan...)_

_Other lovelies are: **Ava Nova, B The Shadow Ninja Samurai, Face15 x2, LilMissM, Raccoon Metal x2 **and **roadgoeseveron**_

* * *

It took a week for the White Council to find time enough for my audience. I suppose it took them that long to decide whether I was a reputable source or not. But in the meantime I busied myself with a) training and b) getting everyone to look at me like they did before. With a kind of vague fondness crossed with a 'what do we do with it' confusion. The 'what do we do with it' hadn't really changed, it had just become fearful rather than mildly affectionate.

My archery was going well however. There had been a tumultuous start when Kili decided to test just how far my awesome healing capabilities went. He'd _accidentally_ cut my manubrium or, as I like to call it, that area above my chest but below my collarbone with an arrow before masquerading it as my own clumsiness. With a profusely bleeding above-chest because that shit had been deep I'd squeaked in pain and violently beat his arm. His defence was that it could've been my hand and that if I had been wearing my dwarf clothes instead of the tree-hugger dresses I insisted on wearing that could have been avoided.

"Or! You could have asked! It's not like I haven't been injured on this journey enough to know the answer. What is it with you Durin brothers and physically abusing me?" I had been injured often true enough but everything faded within the day usually. I wondered when this healing malarky would wear off but for now I thanked Mahal that it was there. That didn't stop the pain though.

Fili's punch had hurt _and_ bruised although the bruise wore off quickly. Speaking of which that silly dwarf had found my bedroom that same night ignoring all type of dwarf etiquette. I'd found Fili kneeling outside the bedroom that I'd willingly accepted despite protestations from everybody else. The poor lad couldn't even look me in the eye as he stammered out that he was sorry, he had just been in total shock, had reacted like he was facing an enemy which I so clearly wasn't, it was no excuse and that I could punish him any way I saw fit. My inappropriate giggles told him everything he needed to hear at that point. Pssh no I do not think of Fili in that way. Not at all. I'm just extremely sexually frustrated, everything is an innuendo and I'm swimming deep in some river in Egypt me. For a second I did consider not letting it slide but knew that Thorin and Dwalin would be punishing him enough and for the longest time. So I simply echoed his previous actions by kissing him on the forehead. What? Forehead kisses are just the cutest thing and his kiss did technically wake me from the dead. Fili stopped mid ramble and finally stood up. Then he said that thing that made me hug him like I'd hugged Ori all day.

After all of this though my archery developed quite quickly. My piano playing, finally good for something, had given me deft fingers that somehow hadn't translated to other skills. I so wished to be useful in ways that didn't feel like cheating that I practised until my fingers blistered. Luckily these healed overnight and I could pick right up again in the morning. By the end of that week I was actually hitting targets near the middle. There was another week before the moon they needed for the moon runes would appear so I was making the most of my time here. Dressing in their elf dresses, learning their Quenyan language with Bilbo and generally just relaxing. Bilbo was also teaching me the language of flowers and how to dance like a hobbit. I think I was put in the wrong race you know. Definitely more suited to the life of a hobbit.

Bathing was also a thing I did almost every day until my hair was velvet soft and not horrendously coarse like it was on the road. I bathed at a time when no one else would and I was in no danger of being spotted by any of the other dwarrows. Of course Fili had decided to risk the tree-hugger bathing area, unisex since elves had no concept of privacy – my bedroom didn't own a door, at the exact same time I was amusing myself with my dramatics.

"I'll never pass for the perfect bride or the perfect daughter." I flailed in the water. Then started to very badly hum a completely different tune as I flung my hair about mermaid-style. Maybe one of my favourite things about all of my lies was the fact that I could make as much stuff up as possible. Like mermaids. I'd scared Ori with tales of the water women who would sing men to their deaths. With fish tails instead of legs and the bodies of beautiful women they'd rise up out of the water, coax the men nearer and when they would reach them they'd pounce to devour them and their souls for they had none. My sweet baby Ori had left looking visibly white and left me cackling.

"I think you'd make a wonderful bride." Fili intoned with amusement from the men's bathing pool. There were men's pools and women's pools but no place for changing. He must've undressed whilst I was singing. I still squealed and shoved myself under the water as fast as possible.

"You really have no concern for dwarf etiquette do you?" I swam, because it was a Harry Potter prefect bathroom style place, to the side when I got over my fright. All he could see was above my neck so that was okay. He mirrored my actions, folding his arms on the edge and smirking at me. Urgh. His face. Just his face.

"Neither do you."

"I have a reason."

"Yes, you're from a different world." I blinked at him, "I'm not stupid Kay. Your Dark Lands are so different from here I truly doubt they're even in the same realm. Besides, a dragon cannot destroy an entire people and I say this of a people with experience. All the Seers I've heard have only ever had one or two prophecies and don't know the entire future." My eyes were as wide as could be as I just listened to him say this with such a blasé attitude. Apparently he, Kili and Ori had figured it out a while ago but had chosen not to tell anyone else who were happy to just go along with my stories. When I neither confirmed nor denied Fili's theory out of shock and my stubborn wish to not feel like I'd somehow betrayed them with my lies he continued with, "We at least know for sure you've lost the people you love. You look so sad sometimes. When you think no one is watching." Did he just Molly Hooper me? Oh my precious baby snowflake! In some kind of fit of emotion I grabbed his hand and stared at him not entirely knowing what to do with him, the hand or myself. I'd gotten to the point where I was just feeling a lot of emotions and was completely frozen in how to deal with them. So eventually I squeezed his hand, turned and slid down to my chin in the water wishing I could just somehow become one with the water. Stupid Fili! Despite literally only being in the water for not even five minutes Fili got out and no, I did not stare. Nope. I peeked slightly but I promise that was totally an accident. Urgh. Before he left he turned back and very shyly offered to braid my hair.

With a nod and a squeak I slid completely under the water.


	14. Braiding Isn't Just for Christmas

_Watch out, watch out. The swears are about.  
Avert thine eyes or just send angry tuts my way if you don't like it :)_

_So the White Council and more Fili/Kay. Because I love them._

_So the people who shouldn't avert thine eyes because I love them so are:  
**Lovely x2 **(who caught my paraphrasing of Mulan. Intentional m'dear. And the Little Mermaid!)  
**Beinedhiel **(this is a thing now. Insignias are a thing!)  
**Face15** (kudos for you also catching Mulan! :D  
**Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
Stinging Fly **(number one for the Sherlock reference! Oh I did spoil you all last time x)  
**SaintAequitas **(hope your evil kitten was found in time!)  
**Vault108  
Leggylover27 **(such a Sherlockian. The images from season 3 set!)  
**Guest** (I hope your nose is okay!)  
**Guestgirl  
****Keeper-of-the-Cheese **(for uni? Why am I doing this? I can just message...)  
**Hermitt  
Suheyla**_

_Other people who need to keep reading also include: **Leggylover27, kana-yamamoto **and **Hermitt**_

* * *

On the day of the my White Council meeting, the day after that awkward bath scene with Fili, who still had yet to braid my hair, I hadn't spoken a single word and Galadriel was convinced I was telling the truth about everything. My mind felt violated.

I sat in front of Galadriel, Elrondo and Gandalf whilst they stared at me, walked super slowly, like seriously there was no need to be _that_ slow and prodded my mind. Well I think they did. Or they were just talking to each other telepathically.

"This is very worrying indeed." Galadriel finally spoke. I tried to look her in the eye but her probing gaze was just far too intense. I bowed my head thinking I knew what she was talking about, "that Saruman would betray us for power and that all of this will come to pass." Then the three turned to each other once again and started sharing meaningful looks. Are you serious? This is so anticlimactic. I wanted something more... _vocal. _Or dramatic. Not really freaky staring, one sentence and then meaningful glances. I'm watching your mind affair Galadriel and Gandy. I will totally tell Celeborn. But I wouldn't because hot damn is Galadriel all types of intimidating. On one hand she's completely beautiful, perfect and otherworldly so you can't really blame people for wanting to get all up in that. But on the other hand well shit I think I just withered up and died from her staring at me.

"You have given us much to think about Little One and we will need to discuss this in private. Steps will be taken I assure you. Now. How are you and companions finding Rivendell?" Elrond turned an almost kind smile on me. At least I think it was kind, it's so hard to gauge his facial expressions that aren't just mild amusement. But I simply looked at them with a blank mind. No, seriously, the fuck? That's it? And not one mention of my death-defying awesome? I stared for a few moments before I realised I was being kindly dismissed. Forcing down a disappointed sigh I slid off the chair feeling very self-conscious next to the Regina George of Middle-Earth.

"We are very grateful for your hospitality my lord. They may not show it due to... extenuating circumstances but they are. And I don't think I can repay you enough." At this Galadriel turned very sharply to me.

"Something tells me you will be the one who needs repaying far and above what we can give you. If I call on your for help Lady Dwarf, will you answer?"

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT! I almost started hyperventilating that _Galadriel_ was asking something of me. I almost totally fangirled at her but instead kept it cool and managed a smile, "at once my lady. With anything you like." She smiled back. _She smiled back_. And I swept out, waiting until I was further away enough to jump up and down and shriek. I scared the elves I think.

My White Council meeting wasn't the only memorable thing about that day. Sure the possible whole changing of Lord of the Rings history was epic and I couldn't wait to see how it was going to go but that afternoon had to be the most enjoyable afternoon of the entire trip until Beorn's. It was pretty perfect. Blossoms were falling in the training courtyard (they did this _a lot_ despite the constant summer of Rivendell), grunts were coming from Thorin and Dwalin as they sparred and others waited patiently for their turn. Kili was eager to get me started on archery again but I'd decided to take the day off. For now I was passable and that was fine. Fili also wished me to start on throwing knives but after my bleeding disaster, pony disaster and Gloin-has-concussion disaster I figured I'd wait until everyone was gone to avoid casualties.

As of our previous conversation concerning my massive secret we had come to an agreement that it was my secret to tell and we would only speak of it when I started the conversation. I never have. At least not with anyone outside Fili, Kili and Ori who'd already guessed. A lot of the others didn't like things they couldn't explain or understand outside of their religion. What really got me though was their undeserved forgiveness for my lies. But I didn't question it, too selfish to try and change it even if I do still feel guilty about it.

But anyway, that afternoon consisted of everybody lounging about, eating, fighting and braiding each other's hair. Wow, that sounds kind of twelve year old slumber party when you write it like that. But let me tell you, braiding is some serious business. There are braids for decoration like Fili's moustache braids which show his dexterity, tiny little braids like that. Then you have courting braids, marriage braids, career braids, achievement braids, memory braids. Memory braids usually have special beads to tell you what the memory is. Like the first time you uncovered a jewel or bought your first sword. Bilbo commented under his breath that I should have one for the trolls but I stared him down until he shut up. My hair, once a very practical pixie length, had been undecorated ever since I got here up until that afternoon. It was still the same colour from my past life, a kind of mahogany brown, but it was now down to my waist and was usually tied into some kind of ponytail using the knots in my own hair and spare rags from Bofur. Those fourteen days I left it loose the entire time. Bilbo had asked about braiding and afterwards I was interrogated as to why I had no braids. So I told them I was neither courting nor married, had no career what with being 'born' as a Seer, no achievements and no memories such as those. That was depressingly accurate in my other life. So that afternoon it was decided that I would have some braids now that I was definitely a part of the Company and a dwarf. When I offered Bilbo he politely refused. I was smug as hell to see a teeny, tiny look of upset cross Thorin's face. To refuse the braid to Thorin was like refusing to be part of his superhero team.

I had been sitting cross-legged (no mean feat in those dresses) with a map in my hand, discussing my family with Ori who was scribbling furiously, lying on the floor. It had gotten to the point where I still had pains from missing them but I no longer broke down in tears and memories were happier things. I'd been commenting on my brother's ridiculous fairy like nature when I felt a weight on the bench behind me and hands were suddenly in my hair.

"Since you have no family member to put your first braid in we'll be your family." Kili announced from his place beside Fili who was behind me and the one already separating pieces of my hair. Then Kili, my little pixie, slipped down to sit by me, drawing his knees to his chest like I had just done. I just love people playing with my hair so I usually kept as still as possible, "you know." Oh dear. I knew that tone, "Fili's been up all," he drew out the word 'all', "night making you a bead for your first memory braid. Isn't that right Fee?" Fili mumbled something about not all night but didn't stop his braiding, "must've been quite a talk you guys had. In the bathroom. All alone. In the bath." Poor Kee couldn't actually say the word naked without blushing a deep beetroot. So the bastard whispered it. Fili yanked his hair. I, however, kept a straight face, turned to the evil pixie and said,

"Oh yes. It was one hell of a talk. In fact, so much so that Fee is the only one allowed to braid my hair." Kili had been badgering to do a joining-the-Company braid for a while. His brown eyes went really wide and he whispered,

"Do you know what that means?" Fili's hands still in my hair.

"Yes." No.

"Well congratulations Fili. You'll have to get started on that courting bead. If you accept her invitation of course." Thank god pixie butt kept his voice down. If that marriage 'talk' I'd had with Thorin was the truth I'd be sent from the Company the end of the day.

"I accept."

Oh. Fuck.


	15. Dwalin! You Betrayer!

_Okay so I got over a hundred views for the first time and I didn't know what to do with myself! So I wrote something along the lines of seriousness. So get your serious faces on dear readers! I was going to put some moving-out-of-Rivendell plot in but this happened instead._

_Loud shrieks of happiness to:_  
_**Vault108 **(MWAHAHAHAHA! That is all I have to say on the matter :)_  
_**Beinedhiel** (dude we have robes. There's no way it can't be epic!)_  
_**Imogen Color  
Kili's girl forever  
Hermitt  
Guestgirl  
****SaintAequitas **(you are my 100th! Yayyyyyyy! I'm such a review slut x)_  
_**Lovely **( a good image to have dear)_  
_**Suheyla  
Keeper-of-the-Cheese** (dude we're so the-cheesebox-romance! I was so tempted to do the Ghost Rider impression!)_  
_**Jenna x2 **(I think it's something we all suffer from ;)_  
_**run4life**_

_And other shout outs to: **BrokenHeartAlchemist, awhi07, Anime Hottie Lovah, ReddyDevil, arseniclemonade **and **ciel-de-crys****tal**_

_Enjoy! Please :)  
_

* * *

Well that had definitely been the most upsetting day of the entire journey. It was three days after that fateful accidental courting acceptance that Thorinm with the aid of Dwalin, finally sat us down. Well he sat on a bench looking all regal and majestic whilst we knelt in front of him with our heads bowed all respectful like. I had decided to court Fili which just sounded weird in my head. There was something a little more solid about courting than dating and something entirely more daunting. But it was _Fili_ and there were all the thoughts that I hadn't let myself think that I was totally thinking now. I'd always thought I was more of a Kili girl but in the end Kili reminded me so much of my mischievous brother that he was like a brother. No Fili was better. For me that is. If he read that he'd never let me live it down and Kili would probably sulk for days on end.

Where I was flightly, Fili was as immovable as rock. We were partners in pranking crime and challenged each other. I got him reading and bathing whilst he turned my head to the beauty of weaponry. And he was covered in the stuff. There was literally no part of him that didn't have some kind of sword, axe, dagger or bloody ninja star attached. One night both of us had taken the whole watch together without realising until we saw the dawn, speaking of nothing and everything at the same time. That was the night we'd given Gloin the concussion with throwing knives and disguised it as waking him up for the last watch. Giggling together we'd curled up like we always had since my total breakdown.

Well now I've waxed the lyrical about the Golden Lion of Burgeoning Majesty (which will totally bite me on the arse after he's read this through the form of ridiculous gloating. If he's not too offended at my hesitance to court him that is) I'll get on with the story! Cue rushed story telling accompanied by a tomato red face.

After I had my first memory braid put in by Fili's dexterous hands, the memory being waking up in Rivendell although it's not something I'll likely forget ever, both of the brothers departed immediately looking entirely too conspiratorial for anyone's comfort. Ori and Bilbo who had been by my side throughout the entire thing started chattering excitedly. When Bilbo started asking about dwarf courting rituals I urged him to talk to Bofur about it but not to mention anything. Bilbo would keep my secret but Bofur would not keep Bilbo's and I so wanted to see Thorin's face when he discovered his little burglar was interested in courting. Then I left to think about what I'd done like a panicking child and admire my beautiful new beaded hair in the mirror like a vain panicking child. It took me a day to decide to actually court Fili. At first I decided to do it out of a sense of guilt for leading the poor guy on but then my super hidden super secret crush reared its head and I was laughing and excitedly squealing about the fact Fili had accepted _me_ as a courting partner. Mister Popular of the Ered Luin settlement, a prince and someone who had all the dwarrows after him, as Kili just _loved_ to point out, had picked me. Someone with no great talent other than lying, no beard to speak of and an awful tendency of pissing off the people who she should probably get on the good side of (ahem Thorin).

The shy way Fili had presented his courting bead to me also had me melting. I had been casually sitting on one of the banisters of their many verandas, facing a waterfall and practising my plaiting, which turns out to be different from braiding. Who'd have thunk? But Bilbo had informed me that I would be required to put a braid in Fili's hair and that Fili had thought to make himself a bead since I sure as hell couldn't. He suddenly sat beside me using some magic dwarf stealth I hadn't known existed looking nervous as hell and with a curled fist.

"Are you sure?" I asked suddenly to fill the awkward silence, "I mean you know me. Got no talent, nothing to offer. Pretty sure there are other better, prettier dwarrows for you to... mate with or something."

"Or not." Fili said dismissing my complaints as folly. It was then I knew I'd made the right decision to be his partner. I think. I mean, who else? Just who else? Then he extended his hand, uncurled his fist, and two beautiful beads were in his hand. One for him with a little imagining of a lion that I'd described to Ori once as my favourite animal. Ori had done a halfway decent job of drawing one realistically. Yes I might have let slip about my 'secret' name for him. The second bead was a beautiful deep blue gem that I can't pronounce even now, "this was my mother's courting bead from my father. She told me to give it to the last person I court." Fili had courted once before, it was allowed before you finally settled on someone since dwarrows lived an awful long time and last person usually meant the One. Well shit, that escalated quickly. In all of my musings, deciding to court _him,_ I'd never once thought about how he viewed it. The One huh. Oh dear.

The next day we were in front of Thorin with our heads bowed, courting braids in and secure. We were greeted with a 'no'.

"Absolutely not." Thorin growled down, levelling his heavy glare firmly at me. Apparently this was my fault. I couldn't find myself disagreeing. The get out clause had been given yesterday when I could've rejected the bead. Fili went to argue but was cut off, "you are a prince Fili! When we reclaim Erebor you will be Heir Under the Mountain, you will bear the next in the line of Durin. That cannot be done but just _any_ female you take a fancy to on a Quest." Well now. That was uncalled for. I would like to say Fili jumped to my defence spouting epic romantic speeches about all of my qualities, why he loved me and that Thorin actually had no say in the matter. But he didn't. The poor dab tried to get up and yell something but Dwalin, who had been standing menacingly behind us this entire time, held him down, "matter of unsuitable partner aside, you are only eighty two and she but seventy nine. You have years ahead of you as does..." He stopped not knowing exactly how much longer my people would have left to live. He'd long accepted that I came from a different kind of dwarf people all together despite the physical similarities, "Lady Seer. How long do your people live?" For some mad reason I decided to tell the truth. Why? What had been the point in that? I almost bashed my head against the floor I'd been staring at.

"We don't live much past eighty," this was met with uproar so I added hastily "but I don't really have the same inclination towards death as others do. I think I've proved this."

"You will dismiss the fool notion Fili!" Dwalin growled which was a shame because I thought the taciturn dwarf might have actually liked me just a little bit.

"No!" Finally! He spoke! "I won't and do you know why Unc-" Thorin didn't know why and didn't care although I was very much dying to hear it, the dramatic speech I was waiting for. The King Under the Mountain looked at me with his angry glare again, although truly it could've just been his face. I found it hard to tell at that point. His voice was even and controlled so who knows.

"Then it's decided. I told you before Lady Seer what would happen if you continued along this path. You are dismissed from the Company."

Always so extreme.


	16. Oh You

_Finally! We're out of Rivendell! Urgh! I spent too long there :D_

_Now on to the serious business! The total babes of the day are:_  
_**Vault108 **(Thorin is too emotionally constipated to understand x)_  
_**Suheyla **(Were the nachos good? Nachos are always good.)_  
_**angelrider13  
Kili's girl forever  
superkiran  
Guestgirl  
Lovely **(okay am I the only one who doesn't remember Smaug speaking? Seriously, when was that!?)_  
_**Face15 **(Thorin really is a one trick pony.)_  
_**SaintAequitas **(I'm sure you do! And oh my god I would actually throw myself a little party.)_  
_**Beinedhiel **(I study Latin but I'll give us the cool Latin. Carpe culum ;) I'll translate next chapter!)_  
_**Keeper-of-the-Cheese **(use it to strangle Thorin...)_

_Other lovelies include: **ShadowFire225, angelrider13, superkiran, vaalntine, hlytxaccountant **and**lovemelike**_

* * *

I sat with Lindir in one of the main libraries of Rivendell. I was parted from the Company. Fili, Kili, Ori and Bilbo were sending me very hurt looks from the other side of the library but I kept my gaze focussed on whatever book I was reading. It was on Quenya I believe, to aid my learning now I was to stay in Rivendell and give them my knowledge of the future to avoid the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. Although if that didn't happen Aragorn would never be King. Legolas and Gimli wouldn't sail into the sunset and cause a ceasefire between Thranduil and whatever King of the Mountain was there. Probably Dain Ironfoot now I wasn't there to pay Thorin's life debt.

Okay no. Stop. I literally cannot keep writing that! I'm laughing too hard. True enough I was in the library the day after the map was read and true enough I was being sent 'hurt' looks but that's only because I had asked them to. Also I was with Lindir and reading a book on Quenya but no, I'm still laughing at the fact Thorin thought he had a choice in sending me away. I had just wanted to stand up and say 'oh you' at him in a very patronising tone. But I didn't. In fact I did the opposite and let him think he'd won.

I rose as gracefully as I could which, thanks to my outfits, was actually pretty spot on, "do we at least have your permission to interact before you leave here?" Thorin stared at me with suspicion as if he hadn't expected me to cave so easily. Fili also looked at me thoroughly betrayed. I don't where that intensity had come from at that point. Maybe it was a dwarf thing I had yet to understand or a youth thing or just a Fili thing. Now I can tell you it was a dwarf thing. Dwarrows courted farily soon into meeting, maybe not _that_ soon though, but the courting could last for many years. I didn't know that then however. Finally Thorin nodded, not realising that he was doing exactly what I wanted him to do, and we took our leave. Fili and I stood in awkward silence after we'd gotten a good distance away. Then I turned to him and hastily explained my plan. Needless to say, the courting beads remained intact, just hidden beneath other braids. Well beneath my one other braid.

After that I still attended fighting lessons and I finally managed to give sword fighting another go but I was taught by Lindir (I called him Figwit for the longest time) and not dwarrows of course. I was awful but I could stab people well enough with my daggers without causing damage to myself. Fili and I were only allowed to communicate either in a group or with Kili between us. Sometimes he'd risk brushing my hand when no one was looking. It was kind of frustrating when all I personally wanted to do was have a 'sneak behind the bike sheds' moment but no. My little dwarrows were too innocent and pure for that sort of thing. I had all my hopes riled up for this moment on the last day when I was manhandled into a sneaky looking nook by my Lion himself on the last day but Lindir intervened.

"I find you here Kayleigh Gallagher. May I have a moment of your time?" No. No Figwit you cannot. I was just about to have some alone time with my hot new boyfriend and now was not the time for your interruption. He smiled like he'd heard my internal rage monologue.

"Of course m'lord." I smiled back as if I was perfectly happy to help and slipped from my dwarf's hands. After all, this was part of my plan and Lindir had accepted being part of it after I'd answered all of his questions of my world. Apparently now Elrond knew, all of his people did. Lindir was my entertainment as the White Council convened. They were using it now as a way of watching how Saruman reacted to see if I was correct. Sighing, I followed Lindir to a library and flicked through my book, barely listening to what he was saying. At that point I was too busy studiously ignoring the 'baleful' glances from the other side of the room. Elrond, assured of the quest's success, although I had not told the others as to not bolster Thorin's ego, had let them leave with his blessings. There was no need for sneaking apart from me. I needed to look like I wasn't following the Company at all, happily ensconced with the elves, which is how Thorin found me as he hunted down the other members of his Company.

"We're leaving." The others left without a word eager to escape any showdown that might happen since I was returning Thorin's glare with a smile they considered dangerous. Fili had lingered and made a move towards me but Thorin grabbed him by the shoulder. I drew myself up to my full height, not all that impressive in fairness, and marched over. Thorin prepared himself for some kind of verbal sparring. Instead I turned to Fili and stole the kiss I'd wanted before. My poor lamb had no idea what to do until instinct kicked in and my waist was engulfed in dwarf arms pressing me flush against him. Welcome to the bike shed my dear. Then, just as we'd begun, he was yanked away by his hair by his spluttering uncle.

"Just a little something to remember me by." I pecked Fili on the cheek for good measure and flounced away like a total badass. When I looked back they were gone. I waited for a good hour with Lindir who was actually a top bloke. I was sad to leave him although we have spoken many times since. After that he guided me to my room where all of my travelling clothes that I'd asked for were set out. The dresses were lovely but completely impractical. Thorin would hate that I was now wearing elvish travelling clothes but that was the whole idea. With an impish grin after I'd changed and added all my new weapons (a stocked quiver, bow and daggers. I was so cool) I turned to go and meet Gandalf only to find him at my door with a face like someone had killed his favourite puppy. I'd just been found in the right I believe. Also, Gandy sir you must have ninja timing. Not a minute earlier you would've had a full view of my tattoos.

"Come Kayleigh, we have much to discuss." And just like that we were off. Stalking the company, keeping just behind so that Gandalf could talk to me about Saruman, the future and oddly my budding relationship with a certain prince. Gossipy old queen. I was allowed to thank Elrond for his hospitality and enquire if there was anything I could have that might guarantee safe passage through Mirkwood. Galadriel obligingly wrote a letter. There was so much I had wanted to say to Elrond about how Mordor was currently uninhabited, Sauron didn't have much power and the Ring could quite feasibly be destroyed. But Galadriel simply ensured that there would be a meeting after the quest for Erebor was over. Then we genuinely were off. I wondered if I would ever return to Rivendell and spoiler alert: I did, after everything. For a good while.

It took us two days to get to the Misty Mountains and I had been interrogated for all its worth. All that was missing was a torch shining in my eye or Batman screaming about drugs. As Gandalf already knew they'd been taken by goblins he took us a different route, on the way to rescue the poor sods. Gandalf used his magic to stealth us so as not to be discovered by goblins and I must say, it was a veritable treat to witness Gandalf do some magic other than his Shiny Light of Blindness which was coming up next. Closer we crept and closer we crept, hearing the Goblin King monologuing for all his worth. Honestly that thing is grotesque. When the goblins all started screaming about Orcist Gandalf took centre stage and quite dramatically blinded us all.

I was the one allowed to scream 'run' though. Smug times.


	17. Rollercoasters Got Nothing On This

_A few notes! Sorry it's late, I darted over to a new fandom for a day :) second, been re-reading them and I am such a grammar and spelling failboat! Why am I not being given a stern telling off for this!? Third, I said last time that Mordor was uninhabited. I'm unsure of this but I know Sauron was driven from Dol Goldur and then turned up a few years later in Mordor about ten-thirty years before Lord of the Rings I think? I could be doing my research all wrong though!_

_Also, I've split this chapter up so sorry for the shortness!_

_Anyway! On to the warm and wonderful thank yous!  
**Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
2lazy2thinkofaname **(no! It's not possible! Just let the feels happen :D :D  
**Vault108 **(something tells me Fili might lose his shit if the M stuff happens with Thorin ;)  
**Lovely **(I blame Gandalf too! Urgh. Denial's a river in Egypt Gandy!)  
**Kili's girl forever  
Guest  
Guestgirl  
SaintAequitas **(One Direction suck. I'm sorry to any fans out there but I am not a fan)  
**Hermitt x2 **(I have converted you to Bagginshield?! I win at life.)  
**angelrider13  
arseniclemonade **(one shot from Fili's POV coming right up. Probably!)  
**Guest  
Suheyla **(good cos I wanted to do a nacho pun but couldn't fit it in casually enough)  
**blazingwing **(welcome back!)  
**Beinedhiel **(it means 'seize the arse' ;) cos I'm uncouth like that!)  
**vaaltine **(I have a greater revenge in mind ;)  
**run4life  
Keeper-of-the-Cheese**_

_Other thanks include: **andesharnais1990 x2, hlytxaccountant, lovemelike x2, Ninediva, Yoru Inu, arseniclemonade, Kili's-girl-forever **and** I-Eat-My-Vegetables **(you are a greater person than I)  
_

* * *

Now if I had been Mr Jackson I would've filmed my reunion with Fili in slow motion and absolutely no background noise so that you could feel the true emotion of the moment. Gandalf running ahead, Fili jumping to catch my hand and running together. Not to mention Thorin's reaction face in slow motion. Absolutely beautiful. Five minutes of emotion and slow motion.

Unfortunately this didn't happen because we didn't run yet. Instead everyone started to fight. Gandalf suddenly turned into a total boss and was stabbing with mad gusto. I grabbed my daggers out of my thigh sheaths (oh yeah, Lindir totally got me some) and tried desperately to remember everything I'd ever been taught. Keep relaxed, light on your toes and twirl as much as possible. Okay so those weren't the exact words but there was definitely a lot of spinning. Even Thorin had a Majestic Deadly Twirl of Deadliness. I managed to stab one right in the eye. It's odd. I always thought that killing something would horrify me but these goblins were so inhuman in both form and evil intent that I couldn't summon any bit of regret. Instead I stabbed another one through the forehead as it made for Fili who was collecting his many, many weapons. Suddenly, in the midst of all our confusion, Thorin basically flung the Goblin King off the platform, Ori found that his weapon of choice was actually a super long axe and Gandalf yelled for us to follow him.

God I wish I could describe it. The horrendous noise as the Goblin King roared for us to be hunted down and the high pitched screams of thousands of goblins. It was so terrifying. On-screen this was all covered by Bilbo's adventures with Gollum and Howard Shore's epic score, which to be fair would've made the running so much cooler. It lasts almost twenty minutes on screen I think but all in all it took little more than five minutes. All of this running about the place.

We were being hunted and this had felt so much more dangerous than the warg pack even if I did know the ending. I was kept firmly sandwiched between the Durin brothers who both eyed my bloody weapons with appreciation when they got the chance. Somehow the group split up with Gandalf leading us and I could see Dwalin making his makeshift battering ram below us. Gandalf was beating everyone away but we were doing our best. I couldn't do much with my tiny daggers but I did manage to slit a throat in an epic move I saw on the video game Dragon Age once. No one saw of course. We came together as a group abruptly and continued running. I'd lagged slightly and Bifur started hauling me along by the elbows. There was Thorin's twirl! He took out four bloody goblins in a dance battle. For a second there I could see the King that Balin (who was kicking so much arse) professed to see but I couldn't dawdle. Oin was suddenly swinging a massive pole around like a nunchuck. I started laughing hysterically, hyped up on the adrenaline and noise. Fili from his position two people in front looked at me with raised eyebrows but was interrupted by Thorin yelling to cut the ropes. I cut the wrong one. Kili raced ahead and started using a ladder as a shield. No wonder he looked surprised. How the hell nothing hit him was beyond me. Oh wait, it _was_ me. My life debt protected him until the end of the quest, I was sure of it. Also let me tell you that running across a rickety ladder with arrows in over a bottomless pit was almost the scariest thing of my life. And then oh my God we had to jump from a swinging platform! I was so confused by this point that Bifur, who'd been holding my elbow for the past minute, literally dragged me by the hair. Everything was becoming a blur as I became more and more dazed. More running. More twirling. More impressive stabbing. Searing pain as a goblin bit into my neck. I gouged it's eyes out and Bofur beat it for me. Gandalf did magic and we were using a boulder as a shield. Seriously, does Thorin only have the twirl move? I swear he whipped it out like five million times during this escapade. More running. And then all at once I knew exactly what was coming next. The dreaded bridge of mountain surfing was looming in the distance. I was actually looking forward to the brief break.

As we reached it the Goblin King broke through the other side with a mighty roar that wasn't actually in the movie. He also had a more gravelly voice but in the end that's neither here nor there. I was just so happy to be able to lean on Bifur once more panting heavily, completely red in the face and bleeding profusely from the neck. I tucked my daggers into my thigh sheaths only to find Bifur torn away. I was leaning on Fili instead who despite standing ready for battle was also somehow pressing cloth to my wound. Then the Goblin King threw around his mace halfway through his evil villain monologue shaking the bridge.

"What are you going to do now wizard?" He roared. Big mistake Crimson Chin. This is Gandalf the Future White and he will fuck you up big time. He so totally did too. Gandalf launched himself forward and jabbed the thing in the eye with his magical staff of mild annoyance. The Goblin King blinked for a few moments until a sword cut clean across his disgusting stomach, "that'll do it." He didn't keel over until Gandalf cut his chin though. Did he have his brain in there or something? I grabbed Fili and Kili to me as the platform we were on gave a little.

"Kay-" Kili began a question but whatever he'd been about to ask as we began our descent of the little platform. I truly felt like I was on some kind of theme park ride and that I'd somehow left my stomach behind. You know the feeling. We all screamed blue murder apart from me who couldn't actually speak due to my low level of fitness and stolen breath from the fall. It lasted all of five seconds. I landed on my back with a sharp yell as I'd landed on someone's sword and I swear to god a good third of it stabbed me in the back. Now I know I was kind of immortal at this point but Jesus H Christ in a fucking hand basket that didn't stop the pain. To make matters bloody worse the Goblin King landed on top of us driving the sword deeper. Dwalin's Scottish accented anger resounded and would've made me giggle had I not been in so much pain. Instantly Thorin of all people was helping me up sliding his sword from my body and tossing me at Dwalin. Instantly the big man threw me over his shoulder fireman style whilst yelling at Gandalf,

"There's too many. We can't fight them."

Let me tell you for nothing. Receiving a fireman's life from a burly, running dwarf is not comfortable in any way.


	18. Wargs Are Not Cute

_She isn't dead :) I'm so sorry! It's where I cut it, I didn't change it to match the separation. My bad!_

_Also, my apologies for my action writing. I don't usually write action :(  
_

_I plead forgiveness from:_  
_**Saint Aequitas  
Lovely **(oh my god I also say escapade that way! And yes Jenna Marbles. I love her!)_  
_**Vault108 **(are you inserting Thorin sex in to this fic ;)_  
_**Avira  
Kili's girl forever  
Guest  
blazingwing **(bless your soul. Just bless it!)_  
_**Beinedhiel **(except our motto is just so much cooler and definitely something to live by)_  
_**andesharnais1990  
Face15  
Suheyla **(I'm sorry! All I could think of was 'nacho friend' or something and that's just mean x)_

_Also forgive me please: **Syrena Smith x2, TheCatDiedANobleDeath, bloodangel95, emmy328, SilentLibrettist, Sophia Gray, overtherisingstar x2, vilevillain, Lady Ataralasse** and **Sophia Gray**_

* * *

"Dwalin! Dwalin I can run!" I tried to scream as I bounced along on his shoulder. The sword wound on the left lower back hadn't actually hit anything vital. It was just painful as hell. I probably couldn't run but I needed to get to Bilbo so that he could kill Gollum or I could kill Gollum. Now I know he led the most pitiful life but that would be one obstacle out of the way for poor Frodo. If he died in the Hobbit Gollum would never be kidnapped and tortured into revealing the Ring's location, the Ringwraiths would never hunt Frodo who would never be wounded and then Gollum would also never experience being melted in a river of lava. So honestly a quick death now would actually be rather merciful. Okay yes Gollum couldn't lead them to Mordor but with Saruman also out of the way there wouldn't be any need to go to Moria. Which by the way neither Balin, Ori or Oin will be reaching if I have anything to say about it. Although that being said it also meant that Gandalf would never become Gandalf the White. I was conflicted for a few moments before I decided that even without the Balrog Saruman would still fall from power and Gandalf would take over as next in the order.

Decision made I wriggled as much as I could out of Dwalin's grasp. My clothes were ripped so his hand was covered in my fresh blood and it was kind of easy to slip. Okay writing it like that just sounds disgusting. He tried to grab me but I wriggled away, pressing myself against the wall as much as I could. My quiver got in the way, which was when I had a total brainwave. I hobbled as fast as I could which wasn't very fast what with my bleeding neck and back full of holes. Finally I reached an opening that looked like it could be where Bilbo was coming out of. Gandalf had long led the dwarrows away but so long as I reached daylight in time I didn't care. I knew what was coming next anyway. Sure enough Gollum was there looking more pitiful in real life than anything I had ever seen. I couldn't handle stabbing him like I had the goblins so I drew an arrow from my nearly empty quiver. What with all the excitement quite a few had fallen out. The poor sod didn't move and the horrified feeling I'd expected before finally arrived. It didn't stop me though. I kind of felt like it was my responsibility seeing as I knew all that would happen. I aimed for his head and got his throat. Gollum keeled over and died straight away. There wasn't any time to feel pity or remorse or shame at my actions because we had to reach the dwarrows before Azog arrived and so that Bilbo could give his speech.

"Bilbo!" I yelled down the opening keeping my eyes firmly away from Gollum's dead body. I couldn't see him and for a second I was so confused until I remembered, "oh for Aulë's sake. Get the Ring off and run! We've got company and more to follow." Instantly the Ring came off and his face was both nauseous and confused. He was sensible enough not to argue, assessed me and swept me up seeing that I wouldn't make it down the mountain without his help. Surprisingly strong, his fighting lessons and all this walking had aided him like it had me, he ran sure and without slipping once. With me it took much longer to catch up to the dwarrows but we managed to arrive just as Thorin began his angry tirade of Bilbo leaving them behind. You know for someone who professed not to care about the Burglar at all he kicked up an awful lot of fuss when he thinks he's disappeared. Bilbo carefully set me down. I basically collapsed against the tree we were hiding behind. I couldn't hold myself against it and fell hard to the ground.

"Kayleigh!" Fili and Kili yelled together parts delighted and concerned. Worry was etched on their faces and Fili held me as close as he could without hurting me. There really wasn't anything more he could do though since I was almost catatonic from the pain. All the while Bilbo was making his epic speech, Bofur was gazing at him like he was swooning and Thorin looked mightily guilty. After that there was a touching silence that I decided to ruin,

"I love that we're all bonding, it's wonderful but I gotta break this up. There's an Azog on our trail and you might wanna call your eagle taxi ser-"

"Azog the Defiler? Azog is-" Thorin roared at me. Honestly when it comes to me that dwarf only has one volume and it's Decibel Anger. Right on cue though Azog appeared in all his albino glory over the crest of the mountain with his rabid warg army.

"Run!" Gandalf yelled. Well that's all very well and good for people who are currently movement impaired you evil old man. You're just jealous you didn't get to say it last time. Fili swept me up princess style, I so did not swoon, what? But Dwalin, guilty at losing me last time, picked me up and gave me another fireman's lift. I did not sign up for this. Soon we found that we were stranded on the cliff top. Gandalf made to yell another order but, still smarting after being told to run despite my injuries, I interrupted with a mighty boom,

"Up in to the trees! Fire Gandalf, use your fire! Get in to the last tree Dwalin and stick to the bottom." I added quietly. He heeded my words and I was bounced up the tree. Nothing is dignified when in that unfortunate position. Gandy also heeded my words and sure enough fire spread around us. Probably not the best idea considering our protection was flammable wood.

"Hold on lass." Dwalin growled at me a large hand wrapping around my forearm just in case I fell. The wargs had felled one tree and the rest were following. It took maybe a second for the end tree to start falling. Dwalin's grip tightened and Fili reached around from where he'd landed to secue my arm with his. Now this next bit I was used to in majestic slow motion with wind machines but in reality it lasted seconds. In the blaze of fury Gandalf had warned me would happen if I mentioned the Pale Orc Thorin raced towards him only to be promptly thrown down. Bilbo was on his feet in a second and forcing his way through the fire towards Azog. You could see everyone else looking guilty that none of them had done it too. All of them were wriggling but only a few could race to battle. Dwalin pushed me up to save me first. I took this time to nock my first of three arrows, aim for Azog who was staring at Bilo all impressed and creepy like. It hit him in the shoulder. Why had Kili not thought of this in the film? Oh yeah, narrative. The dwarrows who had managed to get on the ground raced past me. My second arrow hit Azog just below the collar bone as he turned to face me. Fighting broke out. My third arrow finally hit the target of buried deep inside the forehead. The Angry Albino finally died. Two deaths of major characters by my archery! I couldn't waste too much time congratulating myself though as Azog's sweet little warg was seeking revenge for his master's anticlimactic death. It charged me and in a sweeping epiphany I knew exactly what was about to go down.

"Are you serious?" I gave a dejected little sigh.

Yes. Yes it was. As were its teeth.


	19. Selfish Ways and Shame

_So some of you were upset I killed off Gollum! I'm sorry to upset you :( but I also think it was best for the story. So in a way that hopefully doesn't make me sound smug/arrogant/all of the above I'm just kind of sorry that I'm not more sorry? _

_but to make up for it welcome to Thorin/Kayleigh bonding time! We finally get to poke around in the old softie's head!_

_Humongo thanks to:  
**Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
amy **(who's been peeking into my future ;)  
**Vaalntine  
Guestgirl **(definitely dead this time!)  
**Lovely x2 **(I knew straight away who you were ;) and sorry to disappoint :(  
**Suheyla  
SaintAequitas  
Guest  
Leggylover27 **(I'm so sorrrrryyyyyyyyyyy!)  
**elrohir lover  
Face15  
Keeper-of-the-Cheese **(HUG AND LOVE AND STUFF. Just cos.)  
**blazingwing**  
Other thanks to: **BloodBlackAlchemist, lilkala x2 **and** Wol1f3**  
_

_Question: what are people's thoughts on the Oxford comma?  
_

* * *

I was not a happy little bunny at all! Not only had I missed the eagles because apparently we were still on film time and weren't visiting them at all, but also because I'd been buried under a pile of rocks. Not only had I not been cleaned or even _arranged _they had seen fit to pile rocks on top of me. Luckily they hadn't squashed me to death (you know that example loses it's drama in my case) and it was only a thin layer, a precaution just in case unsavoury animals decided to eat me. Praise the merciful Mahal that Gandalf hadn't given up on me. He'd dropped the dwarrows off at Master Beorn's and returned just in time to see me crawl out absolutely fuming. Buried alive-but-not-yet, given up on by the people and those I'd call friends who should know better and sticky with dried blood. My hair was abysmal. Gandalf wisely chose not to talk to me and instead directed me towards Beorn's. It hadn't taken long since we were at the Carrock already and Beorn's was only a few miles away.

"You little shits!" I bellowed angrily the moment Gandalf led me in to where the unhappy dwarrows sat. Even Thorin had managed to look downcast for me. Bilbo was sitting silently by his side, leaning in to his fur coats. Mission Bagginshield a go a go! However that still couldn't stop my anger at what had just happened. Had I not demonstrated my inability to remain dead before or was my last resurrection just a fun circus trick for them? I think what I was most angry at was that I'd been given up on. Which just really hurt, you know, emotionally and stuff.

"You're alive." Fili whispered as if not daring to believe it. De ja vu, just saying. No Fili, I'm just a very fresh looking zombie. I rolled my eyes and just stalked further in to the absolutely humongous room, more of a medieval eating hall really. Thirteen pairs of eyes stared back at me with their owners hanging open their mouths. Gonna catch flies my friends, just like you left me to do.

"Of course I'm alive you fucking idiot. Did my Lazarus impression in Rivendell not show you my skill at _just not dying_?"

"But we waited a day and you didn't wake up." Kili's lips trembled like he was on the verge of tears. Later he told me that it was because he could scarcely believe that I was standing there with my hands on my hips glaring. All of them were absolutely dumbstruck. Some of the dwarrows edged forward hesitantly and touched me so softly it was like they thought I might disappear. As soon as the Durin brothers and Ori discovered that they could in fact touch me I found my legs wrapped in dwarrows. The feel of their carefully hidden tears on my bare legs did nothing to dampen my anger though. Waking up dead _again _and encased in stones was not conducive to a peaceful mood. At least in Rivendell I had that wonderful resting place of nature, a very pretty dress and an accidental prank! Better than stone and bloody, ripped clothing. My trousers had turned to shorts from when they'd been singed by the fire before the eagles grabbed me, my tunic and cloaks were ripped by teeth, claws and other such things. Also, all of my thigh sheaths and weaponry had disappeared in to the ether of either battle or eagle taxi.

"Well forgive me but I was EATEN BY A WARG!" I think, "Oddly enough that takes a while to recover from! Next time I die at least wait a week to make sure!"

"Next time?" Thorin huffed out gruffly, to his credit sounding very concerned that I might do this again. Well hopefully only once more. Durin brothers down, only HBIC to go. Poor Thorin, I have never seen such a perfect example of a tsundere in all of my lives, "Seer. May I request an audience with you?" The King Under the Mountain was doing his forced polite thing again although he didn't look as constipated as the first time I'd seen him do it. It seemed like such a long time but it was maybe two, two and a half months. All the wind blew out of my sails and I nodded in confusion definitely noticing the congratulatory squeeze Bilbo gave Thorin's hand. Aww yeah.

Thorin led me to another room which was slightly smaller but no less grand then the other. It was cosier but everything still towered above us. He sat me down by a roaring fire that was bigger than me and draped his fur coat/cloak thing over me to cover my bare flesh and then sat heavily in front of me. I didn't quite know what to do as he stared thoughtfully me. His eyes looked busy but his face remained passive. Finally he spoke, "you are unfair Lady Gallagher." Holy shit he used my name. I almost keeled over in shock, "those men have just watched a valuable member of my Company ripped to shreds in front of them, eaten by wargs. Dwalin and Fili took their revenge on the creature but still you were barely recognisable. Your anger at being left behind should be directed at me. Many of the others, my nephews being the most vocal of course, assured me that you would awaken. I decided to bury you as best we could in the manner of our people and leave when you did not awaken by today's sunrise." Shame washed through me at his words. He was right, I was being very unfair and quite selfish. Once again I hadn't truly imagined or thought of how they'd been feeling. All that I had been concerned about was my clothes, which they hadn't been able to touch due to their – _my_ – race's traditions, and my own feelings. I bowed my head with a blush. Thorin took this as a good sign. Speaking of which he looked remarkably healthy himself, I can only imagine that as being Gandalf's doing.

"You're right of course. I'm sorry. I was in shock." I muttered. Apologising had never been my strong point but I was definitely in the wrong here.

"You should not apologise to me Lady Gallagher. Although I fear I must apologise to you." My head shot up to stare at him wide-eyed. Those magnificent blue eyes twinkled with humour. Today was definitely one for the books regarding Thorin's facial expressions. Fili has told me how you have misinterpreted my requests that you leave. The road is not safe for a woman. Especially for a Seer as powerful as you. I allowed you to come along because the Wizard requested it and took every opportunity I could to send you away."

I couldn't stop staring. Adding to my wide eyes was my hanging-open mouth. Looks like I had been reading Thorin Oakenshield wrong this entire time. All of a sudden I just wanted to either roll away and hide in a corner out of shame or just throw myself at him and hug him until he pushed me away. Which would've been immediately. Besides I couldn't do that now. PDA was a huge social faux pas, which actually made Bilbo's hand squeeze super impressive, but doing it when you were walking out with another was an actual offence, "you were trying to protect me? But what of my advice and visions? Don't you hate me for going out of my way to annoy you all the time? Are you actually okay with my courting of Fili then?" More questions were going to fall out but he simply held up his hand and huffed out something that could've been a chuckle? I'm still not sure. But he answered the ones I'd said all in order. Well damn Thorin, we could be total bros and I'd never know because I was so bloody dense. We're two peas in a pod really aren't we sir?

"Of course." He bristled at the thought that his idea of protection could be seen as anything else, "I would have given you a raven and sent you news of our journey. Then you would advise us in return. I never did hate you Lady Gallagher and even if I did what kind of leader do you think me if I were to send you away for something so petty? You remind me of my sister Dis and brother Frerin." A sad sort of twitch to his mouth accompanied that sentence and I almost patted his hand. Then his face grew even more troubled, "regarding your courtship of my nephew. The complaints were real. I did not think you suitable for a prince of Erebor and I do not think it wise to walk out whilst we are on such a dangerous quest. But in light of recent events and your... condition," I'm assuming he was talking about Azog the Defiler and other obvious things, "I believe I have changed my mind. Fili believes you're his One. I cannot get in the way of that." We sat in silence for a good long while digesting our new understanding of each other and a sudden sense of camaraderie. It wasn't until some of the Company popped their heads in to see if I was hungry that we finally started to move.

Something told me though that I was going to need a hard long look at my relationship with Fili.


	20. Earthquakes Can Be Sexy

_Peanut butter Fili time! Lots of Kay/Fili in this chapter! And in the next chapter. Very sorry for the lateness of the hour. I've been super busy!_  
_I've written three different endings, one's bitter, one's fluffy sweet and one's bittersweet. Two of them could spawn sequels. Thoughts anyone? _

_I hope this is to your liking! I seem to have lost some reviewers, especially my super elite club co-founder._  
_But I hope I don't lose these people:_  
_**Suheyla **(oh the third time made me upset ;)_  
_**3insteinComplex **(KAYFI! I LOVE IT! Joke's on the Guest cos I got a review ;) and definitely bad mental images!)_  
_**Kili's girl forever  
Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
Guestgirl  
SaintAequitas **(umm Thorin is meant to be 5", quite tall for a dwarf, but Kayleigh is maybe 4"3?)_  
_**elrohir lover **(want warg plush toy :D_  
_**Lovely **(that Thorin revenge thing addressed next chapter! And possibly less unexpected this chapter is :( subtle Disney reference though ;)_  
_**blazingwing  
Ilya**_

_Other lovely people are: **Mersong, sarakt09, Aidan Turner's Wife x2, Neela4232, Priori Incantatum x2, Vermilion Fire, Angel of Change, Whitwhit1893 **and **Wol1f3**_

* * *

With my head bent in bashful apology I went back into the massive dining room and made my apologies for losing my temper. They loudly forgave me straight away just happy as I was alive. My face crumpled into an ugly, overemotional sort of happiness. You when it's like your head just sort of goes back somehow and gives you double chins and you get this stupidly wide smile? I think I accidentally copied it from a baby once and it stuck. Thorin's coat was taken off me and replaced with Fili's own as my intended led me to a place he'd marked out by the fire. Bombur had put some food there just in case I was hungry. I was ravenous. Making delighted noises I stuffed my face with all Bombur had made not noticing how Bilbo was sewing me some new clothes. I'd had spares in my pack but it seemed that everything had been lost in that fateful Azog fight. My Lion snuggled up behind my back, his arms around my waist, and legs bracing mine. Could get used to this! The others took this as some kind of sign to politely try and ignore us. Thorin saw no such sign and simply glared us down. Too much PDA. Well he couldn't say much clutching Bilbo as close to him as he could. Yes Bilbo had defended Thorin's unconscious body after Azog had struck it down but there was no way keeping him _that_ close could count as protection. Not that Bilbo looked like he minded in any way. Fili followed my gaze and snorted lazily before turning his attention to my courting bead. It was still hidden beneath the other. His hand fiddled with it and I could feel the atmosphere slowly growing heavier. He'd noted that I had been less... _enthusiastic _than him when it came to our pairing during Rivendell so I knew what was coming next. _Deep talk._

"What do you want?" Fili asked very quietly, as if afraid of the answer he'd receive. I truly had no idea what was going on in that gorgeous head of his. I shrugged as best I could weighed down by handsome dwarf as I was. Not an unpleasant experience let me tell you.

"I always thought I'd grow up to be a scandalous old woman who smoked like a chimney, drank a tumbler of gin every day and who'd openly gossip and cackle with my equally scandalous best friend. And probably cats. But before I got there? I could never decide." In my imaginations I'd always been alone at the end of my life. Not in a sad way but in a matter of fact way. It had never occurred to me to be anything else but alone-not-lonely. Now was different though. I wasn't human any more. At that moment I'd been nibbling on some bread but I stopped dead the moment I thought that. Now naturally I'd known I wasn't human any more. I was a dwarf. But thinking it like that, with such clarity and certainty, had me frozen. Fili didn't understand what I'd just said or why I'd gone completely still but he tried to figure it out anyway. That was, still is actually, the most marvelous thing about my man. He always tried to understand me as best he could and never assumed anything.

That's when a pair of trousers and a tunic hit us both in the face. We both blinked for a few seconds before Thorin simply smirked (laugh it up Thorin I bet you'll be getting that a lot when you and your hobbit have domestics) and told me to get to a bath. Fili insisted on taking me, snapping at his uncle when he'd protested about the need for a chaperone now that we were truly courting. I was too much in shock to react to being led to the bath-house. I was led to a room full of a myriad of different sized sunken tubs. For all the different animals I was assuming.

I sat down on the edge of one of the smaller tubs and couldn't help a teeny little breathy sigh as the hot water hit my aching feet. Beorn, you may be a creepy, tall Bear-Man but damn you got some lovely plumbing. And sunken baths have always been cool. Fili sat next to me not caring that he was getting all of his trousers wet. Hell, jump in sir, pull a Darcy if you wish. I don't mind at all. In fact I insist. So I pushed him in fully clothed. He didn't react but instead stared very intensely at me as if trying to figure something out. He shuffled as one does in water straight back to me and grabbed my face in his hands. His face was suddenly really close to mine and I'd only had to bend a little, it wasn't that deep a tub. His hands very slowly inspected my face, pushing at the joints and fingers tracing where bite marks must have been. I was told that my face had taken a lot of damage in my little warg attack. So I let Fili prod and poke to his heart's content until after what seemed like forever he just sighed a sigh I couldn't quite distinguish, happy or sad, and just rested his forehead against mine for a bit. There was a small silence before grinning,

"Happy I'm unhurt or real or whatever?" Wow Kayleigh, be a fucking poet. No seriously, got some moves that Keats would be proud of. My self-berating didn't last long as I didn't get a verbal response, no. I instead had my mouth covered with his in a seeking, rough and desperate kiss. Aw. Yes. When Fili kisses he kisses like an earthquake. Now comparing someone's mouth talent with a natural disaster doesn't sound like a compliment but damn straight it was. Shook me straight to the bone. You've been having other sneaky bike shed moments haven't you my Lion? He drew away leaving me to let out a whimper. Instead he wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his head in my shoulder to nuzzle my neck. I wrapped my own arms around his shoulders.

"What's it feel like?" I asked as I rested my head on top of his, "how do you know you've found your One?" Fili shifted uncomfortably beneath me but thankfully didn't pull away. His mouth tickled me as he spoke and I had an epic battle with the urge to giggle.

"You just know I guess. It's a bit like you look at them and your heart is just saying yes." Poor Fili wasn't as communicative as Kili. They were always thinking the same thing so Fili never had to say anything. It had sent their previous partners absolutely insane. At first it had been so endearing but eventually Fili's ex-partner had grown extremely frustrated. Right now I was at the endearing stage and only time would tell, "once you find the One you think back to before that and you wonder if you ever had a heart at all. Like you'd not truly been able to feel before." And just like that I had an epiphany. My sudden switch from constantly jumping from relationship to relationship to concentrating on Fili made sense. I'd thought it was just my new dwarf nature that had me settling down but apparently not so. It was all Fili. In Rivendell I'd been clinging to the nature of my old humanity, hence my hesitant, lacklustre approach to our union but nope. Fili's my One. Suddenly I started laughing delightedly startling my very nervous boyfriend who was still in the tub. It grew worse when I decided to physicalize my delight with violent shakes of his shoulders and then dropping light kisses all over this face.

"Well now. I thought Kay was the one who was supposed to be bathing. Get bored of him already did you?" A familiar and mischievous voice drawled in amusement from the door. A wild Kili appeared and was mocking my newfound delight. Fili also didn't seem to appreciate the interruption either.

"Bugger off Kili. I'm having an emotionally charged moment with my One." I snapped but it was playfully and didn't have as much weight as normal what with my silly grin. My dwarf beneath me set his smile to full beam. I was almost blinded by it. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Kili wrinkle his nose in mock disgust. He was obviously pretty happy for his brother though,

"Well it's definitely charged with something but I think you mean the other thing." When he said that I realised exactly how compromising we looked. A fully soaking Fili wrapped around me from the waist up dampening all of my white clothes and my almost bare legs wrapped around his waist.

"Ah yes. Well." I disentangled myself and shuffled away much to Fili's whining. But he got out anyway super slowly, all of his clothes clinging to him and his muscle. My mouth went dry. After they'd both left I swallowed hard, undressed and slipped in to the bath. My one thought, other than reliving that picture memory of a Darcy-esque Fili, was really quite simple.

Kayleigh Gallagher, it's time to start learning Khuzdul. You are most definitely a dwarf.


	21. Little Bunny

_Next chapter is Mirkwood :D I have decided on which ending to deliver. I also expect this story to reach between late twenties and early thirties chapters!_

_You wonderful people are:_  
_**Kili's girl forever  
Leggylover27 **(continuing until after the BoFA! And more friendship to come!)_  
_**Lovely** (I do love Snow White and I didn't catch your reference! :( :(_  
_**Ilya  
Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967 **_  
_**blazingwing **(I shall join you on crazy lady street but with dogs. Cos cats hate me.)_  
_**Guestgirl **(get better soon!)_  
_**3insteinComplex **(It is a good image! Keep it! I know I will.)_  
_**DandelionViolet  
Suheyla  
Beinedhiel x2  
Face15 **(just for you ;)_

_Now I would thank all of the lovely followers and favouriters but for some reason I can't see who has! Next time :D_

* * *

Now the next two days at Beorn's were wonderful. They were peaceful, fun and I think those days were the happiest I had seen anyone since the Quest began and as such a little boring to write but bear with me. I did promise Ori to not leave anything out. In Imladris they'd been constantly on edge because of the damn tree-huggers. Their words, not mine. I wasn't a racist dwarf. In fact I quite liked them. But here Beorn had welcomed them although he did make them comfortable. He'd endeared himself to us by being almost childlike in his captivation of Bofur's story and playful nature with Bilbo. Thorin didn't appreciate that much, especially when Beorn called him 'his little bunny', plaited flowers in his hair and sat him on his knee whilst everyone ate together. Thinking about it Bilbo didn't seem to appreciate it too much either. I'd even been picked up once as a very obviously female dwarf. A rarity apparently. Fili and Thorin had been outside sparring even though Thorin hadn't yet fully recovered from his injuries by Azog. He'd told me that he was indebted to me forever for killing Azog and whilst yes he'd have liked to have killed him himself but was glad Azog had definitely died this time. Well there really wasn't any coming back from an arrow straight through the head.

But when Beorn scooped me up and started poking me with innocently-meant interest (although not in any of the morally questionable places) Fili had been busy so Kili had jumped in to defend my honour. My own squeaks of protest couldn't be heard over Beorn's rumbling laughter so Kili had to tap him soundly on his hip which was as far as his hand could reach whilst Beorn was standing.

"Master Beorn." He begun in the type of tone a young child uses when attempting to scold someone much bigger than them. Beorn looked down from me to the new distraction, "that's a _woman_. I don't know how you do it in your culture but in dwarf culture you never touch a woman without express permission and especially not with someone's intended." I take what I said back. Kili wasn't the child, he was scolding the child. He'd said all of this like he was trying to teach a particularly wilful child a lesson. Beorn looked back at me for a few seconds and I couldn't help but give an awkward wave.

"Well I am sorry Lady Dwarf. I didn't realise you were mated with someone." I couldn't help but sigh. No Bear-Man no 'mating' yet. Give me time and a wedding ring because that's what it would bloody well take. He put me down and shooed Kili and I outside as his attention was captured by other animals wishing for it. Before we made it to the open doors though Kili stopped me to adjust my rumpled clothing. When I thanked him for both saving me and tidying me he merely replied,

"Can't have Fili wondering what happened to your clothes. Might have a fight on our hands if he thought Beorn were touching his woman. And besides you're family now. Sister." He added on with a very shy smile and in that moment I saw just how young and untroubled he was. When I realised that he would continue unmarred, well not unmarred but definitely alive, I felt smug as hell. A proud smile swept across my face and I hugged him tight as I could. Kili had always wanted a sister to be able to protect and play the big brother too. Although I was 'older' than him I had no qualms about him fulfilling the role. He's such a protective, fiercely loyal and loving person that I couldn't ask for anyone greater as a new brother,

"You know what _brother_. I want you to be a father one day. You'll be great at it."

"And if not there'll always be my nephews or nieces."

To fill in the awkward post-bonding silence we walked out of the door arms slung over each other's shoulder and in to the wonderful dappled sunlight of the forest. It took all of a second for us to start roughhousing and fighting all the way over to the sparring area. By that time it had descended in to the ridiculous slapping at each other that children do.

When not play-fighting with Kili or being carefully guarded by Dwalin with Fili I was with Ori, Bifur or Bilbo. Dwalin had only taken umbrage to our pairing because Thorin had persuaded him so. They were brothers in arms and where one led the other would follow. Very much like two other brothers I could mention. Now Dwalin just seemed fine with the matter and had taken to being our chaperone. I rush to mention that this was out of choice, the elder dwarf just wanted to see his favourite Durins taken care of even if it did mean yanking Fili away if he got too close to touching me inappropriately.

On the second day, bored of being cockblocked from every direction, even Fili wanted to obey the dwarven courting customs, I was discussing those very same things with Ori. Now we had exchanged the beads there was no more exchanging of gifts. Usually that came before to try and persuade the other into courting but I had unwittingly jumped the queue on that one. We had to wait one year before we could marry and certain rules applied. No dancing with someone else other than your intended, no accepting gifts from the opposing gender until our partner had inspected it, no touching of others or it would incur a fight. Not to the death thank god but to first blood. The exception of these rules was family, which was now Thorin and Kili since I had none. Thank God there was no double standard like there was in my old world, I would've scream blue murder. For the first month there was no touching allowed and then the second month hand holding was allowed. Bifur signed to me the story of how he spent his second month courting walking around clutching his beloved's hand. Steadily more touches were allowed over the first year. In the same way it was restrictive it was also quite romantic really. And I suppose it made for a pretty awesome build up for the wedding night. Especially with Master Earthquake who had been glaring at us like little Ori would do something to besmirch my virtue. Boy was he in for a shock on our wedding night.

"So Ori!" I piped up whilst our little gathering went about other chores. Bifur was writing out my future lessons for Khuzdul, the daft buggar was actually a very good teacher despite the fact that he could only speak in Ancient Khuzul. I was almost at conversational level with Iglishmek. Also, his written words were fine according to Ori. The dwarf in question was drawing Dwalin as he fought with many of the others. I especially loved watching Thorin and Dwalin fight since they knew each other so well it was almost a dance. Also Thorin has a mischievous streak a mile wide when he was relaxed and relatively unburdened. Probably something to do with a sneaky braid put in Bilbo's hair last night? To make him one of the Company, Thorin said. Bullshit, I said. But not out loud. Bilbo was actually sewing me more clothes for me, more sturdy and dwarven. I was making a daisy chain for my hair, "you err courting anyone?" It was the first thing I could think so and since I was on the subject.

"Oh yes." Ori said quite blithely, "I've been courting Master Dwalin for about two years now." I swear to God I almost keeled over in shock. _Dwori is a thing!? _Ori hadn't even looked up and he was chuckling at my face, "we're very discrete about it since it's awkward on a Quest but we're each other's Ones and there's no messing with fate." That bugged me all of a sudden.

"Do you get a choice at all? Can there be more?"

"Being more than your One defeats the purpose. But you're right. More often than not you never meet your One what with how many dwarrows there are all over Middle-Earth. You should feel blessed that you've found your One so soon in life or at all and into such an accepting family as I have." Ori's eyes never once strayed from Dwalin and his picture of Dwalin. I made a quick note to keep a firm eye on these two. Then my own eyes strayed over to where the entire Line of Durin were laughing together and nudging Fili. His eyes found mine, he grinned but then looked down kind of bashfully telling me that we were the butt of the joke.

Ori was right. Could definitely have been worse.


	22. Thranduil, You're a Little Shit

_Woah! A super long posting! We'll be spending maybe two more chapters in Mirkwood. This one is fast-paced because split up it was too short. Guys, this is like the longest fic I've done._

_We're truly messing with the books now. SHIT GON' GET REAL._

_Big thanks for sticking with me:_  
_**Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
Beinedhiel  
Kili's girl forever  
3instein Complex **(It's a bit ALL THE PAIRINGS! :D I have written those scenes but not sure I'll put them in x)_  
_**Guestgirl  
Guest **(keep coming back :D please! Or not, I ain't your boss :)_  
_**Ilya **(Dwori is so cute isn't it?_  
_**Lovely **(you think Kay silly then? Wait until you read this chapter.)_  
_**Suheyla **(get on Tumblr and search the Dwori tag. You will die of cuteness.)_  
_**Face15 **(I love you too. Serious face.)_  
_**Leggylover27 **(Isn't though!? Isn't it!? *rolls away in to the night*)_

_You guys have me almost at 200 reviews for the first time ever. You make me love you!_

* * *

A day later we left Beorn's with Thorin well on his way to recovery. With everything packed, I had new clothes and Beorn had given me some weaponry. Where he recovered this I shan't ask what with him being a hermit and all of his friends are genetically modified animals. I was forgetting something again as we left and it must have showed on my face because I was asked if I'd eaten something that disagreed with me by my new uncle. He meant it nicely I'm sure. With Fili's permission I hugged Beorn as tight as I could around the legs because he really was a sweet and childlike being. Beorn chuckled and placed me on top of my pony. The Lord get me to Laketown because I truly couldn't wait until Fili had to ask _my_ permission for something.

It took us four days to get to the edge of Mirkwood with nothing much happening in between. Thorin's impenetrable shell of Majesty and Pain still remained impenetrable although Bilbo tried his best to wriggle his way deeper. I'd quietly given him a little cheer to which he blushed and informed me that he had no idea what he was on about. Fili, Kili and I did all we could to spy on Dwalin and Ori and tease them. Our giggling couldn't stop even when an embarrassed Dwalin (who is totally the cutest thing) grabbed us by the scruff off the necks and dumped us in front of Thorin, Balin and Bilbo. When we finally reached Mirkwood we sent the ponies away just like Beorn had asked. He'd been following us the entire time to make sure we kept them safe. And then I did a silly thing because like fuck was I going to be accosted by giant spiders, kidnapped by elves and escape in a barrel. An adventure to be sure but no. I was also aware that it was another Bilbo Shiny Moment but my previous point is reiterated here. Besides Galadriel had given me that letter. I hadn't read it but I'm pretty sure it wasn't anything bad. Fili saw my face and instantly lunged for my mouth, knowing exactly what I was going to do.

"I pray you find it in your heart to forgive me my King." Let's cushion the blow for you, kind of, "YOOHOO! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME? I NEED TO SPEAK WITH THE ELVENKING! COME OUT I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR US-" Fili's hand closed over my mouth just as we were suddenly surrounded by elvish arrows. Thorin's pure anger was palpable although he kept his mouth shut since there were arrows pointing at his entire Company's throats. I think the only reason I wasn't violently decapitated was because our weapons had been stripped.

Despite the vastness of Mirkwood it took a day to reach Thranduil's kingdom. Not one word was spoken to me as I was on everyone's Shit List apart from Bilbo who valiantly stuck by me. Even Fili looked disappointed and muttered that he hoped I knew what was I doing. When I asked when did I not know what I was doing he simply replied 'always'. So true. Other than that we were restrained by our wrists although those who didn't try and fight were treated with gentleness. The Durin brothers had four black eyes between them as they fought against me being touched by hippies. The only time I'd actually been touched was when my hands were tied behind my back. Since I was a willing 'prisoner' they treated me kindly and even offered me Lembas bread. During that day I ignored everyone and was ignored by them in return. Thorin kept his eyes pinned on me with a glare so vicious I physically curled myself up to become as small as possible. I couldn't tell him how sorry I was that I was doing this to him. He'd only snarl and try to kill me. So I took this time to appreciate Mirkwood. It was gloomy and sickened but everything had its own special beauty. Even the underground palace of its vast mazes and pretty things and people was breathtaking. No one else but Bilbo appreciated it with me. Then the audience chamber or whatever appeared in front of us. Only Thranduil and two other elves sat ready for us. As I had come to expect his face was completely impassive and cold. Bilbo and myself were the only ones who bowed. Nothing was said although the violent tension was everywhere. My letter from Galadriel, given to the lead of the guard, was handed over and Thranduil read in silence. It stretched on forever until the Elvenking with his crown of autumnal flowers pinned me with an unreadable stare and said,

"The Lady of the Golden Wood states here that you move with the White Council's blessing and many other interesting things I wish to discuss, Lady Gallagher," he said my name like it was repulsive, "The Lady of the Light also wishes that I give you everything you ask but in return I require your knowledge." He stared at me for a moment. I blinked until I figured that was probably my cue to ask something. Everyone else simply stared at us with intense confusion,

"Oh well then safe passage is all I ask." And then I totally faked having a vision. Well by faked a vision I mean 'got swept away in Thranduil's pretty face and holy shit was that Legolas?' It was randomly-appearing-Legolas looking every bit as gorgeous as I imagined him to be. Gimli, you have spectacular taste my boy. "There is to be a mighty battle." It's a Rule of Life that when speaking to royal pretties (present Company excluded) you must sound as ridiculous as possible, "one of our Company killed the Goblin King and another killed Azog the Defiler. They will seek revenge and flood the plains of Erebor. We will need allies to defeat the goblins and orcs and I request you aid us in the battle. To repay a debt." Thorin let out an absolute blast of rage so loud that the elves flinched and he had to be restrained from diving for both mine and the Elvenking's heads. Thranduil nodded once at me showing his willingness to abide by my request even if it made him shrivel up and die inside.

"I will _not_ let the filthy tree-shagger who let my people-" Why thank you Thorin for exploiting your weakness for me to prod you in to this. I felt so bad for saying a lie this huge that I almost couldn't stop the waver in my voice. Instead I interrupted with a forced calm,

"If you do not Thorin you lead your people to certain death and it will be no one's fault but your own. " Thorin said nothing in response but glared at me like he would never be happy again if I didn't die right there and then. I stared back, stared him down and implored him silently for as long as I could but his anger did not abate. Nothing would ease his rage so I turned back towards the mind-blowingly cool and attractive elf lord and simply gave him the same imploring look with my eyes.

"Give me your word Lady Dwarf that you will share your visions with me and I shall give you everything you ask."

"You have my word. I promise you all of my knowledge on what answers you seek. Now please your majesty," was that even the right one to use? Did elves acknowledge the names of the monarchy? Either way Thranduil seemed satisfied that I was telling the truth, which I was and I would actually tell him all I knew about _everything_ later since he was such a nice chap really, really deep down, "please put a stop to this feud."

Thorin had been shaking as hard as he could, fingers itching to reach for the weapons that had been taken from him but the sons of Fundin and his nephews held him in check. Balin hated these elves as much as Thorin but was able to see through the anger enough to spot an advantageous and almost miraculous olive branch when one was offered. Thranduil rose, looked towards his son who smiled encouragingly, and then he levelled an unfeeling glance at Thorin who simply glared back with great suspicion.

"I offer you a deal Thorin Oakenshield." Okay so maybe not quite the olive branch I was hoping for but hey, I wasn't actually a miracle worker, "we will aid you in this battle and repay the debt we owe." He adds before Thorin can twist open his mouth and let the stupid fall out. For a long, tense moment there was silence. Then something amazing happened and I will never forget just how happy it made me. Thorin looked to me for an answer. Not Balin or Dwalin or his nephews but _me_. Instead of swinging my butt around in an ill-timed Happy Dance I nodded once with the most serious look on my face, more serious than he had ever seen me. Which was probably what convinced him this was some real shit going down,

"You will have no better deal Uncle. For the good of Erebor and your people." Wow! I was just pulling out all of the emotional blackmail stops today wasn't I? Even used the family card and the King card in one sentence. Sweet lord I'm going straight to hell. But I couldn't feel guilty because Thorin nodded so stiffly I wasn't sure if it was actually just a vein jumping in his neck. But everyone else's astonished faces told me it was a nod. My mouth hung open in a very attractive way until an elf woman clapped a hand on my shoulder and the great Elvenking said,

"Put the dwarrows in a serviceable room. Guard them until sunrise. Escort them safely out then."

"Food too and beds." I commanded a bit too imperiously I think.

"That was not in our deal Lady Dwarf. You demanded safe passage."

Oh you little shit!


	23. Almost Everyone is a Little Shit

_Okay I hope you can obviously tell by now that I am paying massively fast and loose with the times! As far as I'm aware it's somehow turned into autumn and there's a good month/two months before Durin's day. Now it's Thranduil. HIS FACE IS JUST TOO HARD-TO-READ._

_You lovely people are wonderful to read though:_  
_**Beinedhiel **(isn't he though? It's wonderful.)_  
_**Keeper-of-the-Cheese **(WELCOME BACK :D_  
_**Guestgirl **(ALL the pairings. I am basically a fangirl haven of slash pairings here.)_  
_**Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
Leggylover27 **(I love him so much I've expanded his role here!)_  
_**Lovely **(I UNDERSTOOD THAT REFERENCE! Yes, Kayleigh is Flynn Rider.)_  
_**Vault108 **(welcome sir! Well that's all understandable of course :)_  
_**Emma Woodland **(I'm so glad you're enjoying! Come, let me love you)_

_I reached over 200 guys. I just can't even._

* * *

I sat in an exquisitely decorated room full of flowers oddly enough. I suspected this was probably to lull me into a false sense of calm or something. It wasn't really working. I had been separated from everyone, I didn't know if they were being cared for or not and I was having serious worries about what this would do to my relationship with Fili. After all it had been _Bofur _who quoted about dwarven courting rituals and not him. To be fair though I worried how this affected my relationship with all of the Company. I had been escorted here by Legolas who was actually very charming. Apparently he didn't mind dwarrows so much as his father and was eager to talk with me about everything. So I told him as much as I could happy to speak to someone who wasn't trying to kill me with their Majestic Angry Face. So Legolas the Wonderboy sat me down in this wonderfully floral room and continued to question me. When I informed him of my proclivity towards archery he offered to help me. Allegedly elves and dwarrows handled the weapon differently and it would be interesting to compare. I hadn't the heart to tell him there'd probably be no time. It was then Thranduil swept in. A massive part of me (well okay about 99.9% of me) wished he'd sweep in on his Swag Stag with a Starbucks and shutter shades. One day Thrandy I'll somehow make some for you. I can be quite determined when I want to be. The first thing I asked the Elvenking was,

"Are my people okay?" I expected no response but received something highly unexpected instead.

"What do I care for dwarves who care little for the lives of others and suffer us elves to pay tribute to a _stone_?" Careful there Thrandy, your bitterness is showing. He paced a while as if at odds with himself. I suppose he was. Well might as well play nice with him. And besides as someone with experience living as a wee bit of an idealist in a materialistic world I can kind of relate. So I shrugged,

"Dwarrows were created by Aulë the Smith and we share our loves and dreams with him." Well that's how I remember it from the essays by Tolkein that I read a long time ago, "you can't really blame us for our stone-crafted natures although I will readily admit the gold-sickness of the Durin Line worries me." Since I was marrying into it and all. Possibly. Who knew now? Oh yeah and Thorin's complete mental breakdown, "but anyway! How rude! _I _care! I very much care if my dwarrows are being ill-treated in your halls! After all you offered no aid afterthe dragon attack! I can perfectly see your sense in not marching your army on a suicide mission but letting an entire people wander homeless, lost and starving because of your _pride_ is beyond ridiculous. Now sort out my dwarrows with food, beds and warmth with their weapons returned or so help me-" What was that I said about playing nice?

"You'll _what_?" His voice was near terrifying in its calm and poison. Although his facial expression never changed Thranduil was a master at letting everything be known by the complex tones of his voice. Well I'm just not that subtle now am I,

"I swear on the precious snowflake I call a boyfriend I will mark your pretty little face with my pretty little fist." Neither Thranduil or Legolas understood what I said but they read the intent that was clearly there. I sat back down, I'd gotten up during my rant, and stared at Thranduil intently. Legolas simply cocked his eyebrows but did nothing. I got the feeling he was secretly amused.

"You would be missing a hand before your stroke fell and then you and your little friends will be locked in prison before you can blink."

"And then we will escape how we're meant to. There is no version of this Elvenking where we don't leave unscathed. You can either be tricked into it or do it of your own power." There was a long silence until something else unexpected happened! Seriously Thrandy you Mean Girls Plastic, stop being so frickin' hard to read! He burst out laughing. Legolas visibly relaxed at his father's sudden gaiety. I simply narrowed my eyes in suspicion and pulled my head back to Double Chin pose. Shut up, I'm gorgeous.

"Lady Dwarf I ask that you be the Emissary," of the Gorgonites? "of Thorin, King Under the Mountain," damn, "when he retakes Erebor and I shall give you what you wish to know about how to cure gold-sickness." It's a mental illness! How the hell can you cure it? But this was Middle-Earth. Anything could happen I guess. I said nothing for a moment not entirely trusting him. He gives a long-suffering sigh as if repeating Gandalf's 'save me from the stubborness of dwarves' and says, "I shall provide beds and food in exchange for your information. All of it. Their weapons shall remain in our possession until you are safely over our borders." Well now. That was a sweet deal.

All three of us had spoken long into the night and I'm not gonna lie, Thranduil was a total babe. I still disliked him for not allowing a starving people into his borders and he never did elaborate on why but other than that he was pretty nice. He even allowed for Legolas, who wished to discuss me and my origins further, to escort us to the edge of Mirkwood. But the time I returned to the large, comfortable rooms all of the Company were in night had fallen in, the Company had been fed and there were luscious looking beds dotted around the room, one for each. It was Legolas who'd dropped me off and Bofur to receive me the other side. As I was being led away Bofur tried to placate me with something but as soon as the word 'lass' left his lips Thorin growled. Clearly no one was allowed to speak to me. With a sad, apologetic smile he settled me down at a bed facing the wall and left me. There was utter silence so I tucked up into myself, curling my knees to my chest and forehead on them. Not five seconds later Bilbo settled by my side with the food provided by Thrandy. Yeah we're totally on a nickname basis. Not. I'd eaten with the royal pretties but took the peace offering gratefully.

"Thank you Bilbo. You don't have to disobey him. I know you only just got on his good side." To his credit he didn't leave but he didn't speak to me either. Not long after this everybody started getting into the beds to sleep. Not so high and mighty to ignore hospitality huh? Soon the only people left awake were the Durins, Bilbo, Dwalin and Ori.

"Fili?" I asked very quietly and, I'm ashamed to say (British sensibilities never quite leave), all fragile like. Like I was about to cry due to all this ignoring me thing. I so wasn't. He winced at the sound of my voice, looked towards his uncle who gritted his teeth but shrugged, looked towards Kili who nodded, and then finally looked towards me with his Disappointment Face. Well shit I can't do right for doing wrong can I! "Um no, never mind." I turned away and clambered onto my bed. I wrapped myself up in the warmth thanking whatever stars still liked me that it faced the wall. It wasn't long before Kili and Ori tucked themselves near me, Ori at the end carefully not touching me, and Kili lifted my head to rest it on his legs.

"What is it?" Kili wasn't beholden to the same rules that Fili was as Heir and therefore could afford to be a bit freer with his forgiveness. Dwalin had been in talks with Ori but Ori had seen fit to ignore him and brought his writing over to me. He knew the constant scritches calmed me sometimes. Embarrassed by my childish want I burrowed deeper into the covers to hide my blush,

"Um I was wondering if you could play with my hair to help me fall asleep? Please?" A shocked look came over his face as I said please. If that wasn't an indicator that I felt vulnerable and stuff then I don't know what was. Fili made a quiet snuffle of alarm at his brother's face but still didn't move. So Kili simply smiled and nodded. His fingers softly stroked my hair,

"Of course namadith."

* * *

_Means sister-that-is-young in Neo-Khuzdul - thank **Keeper-of-the-Cheese **for the website :D  
_


	24. Can Everyone Stop Being Little Shits?

_I'm sorry to say there won't be a Tauriel. I'm not a fan. WITH DWARVES LIKE YOURS JACKSON YOU DO NOT NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THE FEMALE FANS OKAY. Really not a fan. Oh and no spiders. I can't even handle Aragog. I just NOPE so hard on spiders!_

_Also everyone please find my super subtle Disney reference ;)_

_Another also, people on tumblr follow me! harlequinjane :) drop me a line to tell me who you are :D_

_Right the wondrous people of the day are:  
**MollyEvens **(hope you're enjoying the rest!)  
**Lovely **(Fili is always a precious snowflake. Just cos :D  
**blazingwing **(no I totally understand dude. I'm with you!)  
**Vault108 **(Bifur is so a Bagginshield shipper!)  
**Beinedhiel **(o.o Thranduil on the Real Housewives of Mirkwood...)  
**3insteinComplex **(You are the only one who got the Small Soldiers reference! Urgh I am not worthy!)  
**Suheyla x2 **(thank youuuuu [rolls on floor in celebration]  
**sophiashyaway  
Guestgirl **(I will write it down next time! She wrote it down in a card for me and I have to find it in the anialwch)  
**Pirate-chan  
Kili's girl forever  
Guest  
Leggylover27 **(and so much more Legolas to come!)_

* * *

My awakening was a rude being ripped from the bed. Thorin was there with his usual emotionally constipated expression grabbing me by the scruff of the neck. He was taking great care not to touch me or harm me in any way. Who said chivalry was dead? "Oh what have I done now? Sweet Jesus look I'm sorry for-" I stopped dead looking at the sheer state of Thorin's face. It was scratched to hell and bleeding. The wrist he held me up with was pink as if it had been rubbed with something like a rope. Even his clothes had been ripped. Instinctively I reached out but he spoke sharply,

"I spoke to the tree-shagger prince." Oh the good lord Mahal have mercy on all of our souls. Forgive him Elf Lord for he knows not what he does. I was interrupted in my fervent prayers by our good King Under the Mountain, "he informed me of the fate you saved us from." That was it. I was dropped back to the floor and suddenly no longer the social leper. We so need to discuss your bipolar ways Thorin. A _long_ and painful discussion. Fili was instantly at my side and nuzzling me. No, no, no, no, no. If you think for one moment sonny Jim that you pick and choose your moments with me you are sorely mistaken. You either have me even when your emotionally impaired uncle is in a strop or not at all. I had needed him there for me last night and he wasn't. I hadn't wanted much. Hell he needn't have spoken to me but he was allowed to sit by me at least. Show or do _something._ I was Hulk level pissed. I told him as such and shrugged him off, choosing instead to saunter over to Balin to discuss what Thranduil had told me about the cure for goldsickness and discuss why Thorin's face was a state. As it turns out the Elvenking had summoned him and an uproarious battle had ensued. When both were too exhausted and injured to fight they exchanged poisonous verbal spars. Eventually Thranduil had sent him away saying what I had told him of spiders, venom and jail and also asking that they never meet again. Thorin had agreed, shouted how he would never be forgiven like a four year old who hadn't been asked to play games and left. I didn't believe this at all until Legolas led us out to their courtyard where Thranduil waited. He was just as cut up as Thorin was and he bore it well. I think a spike of his crown was missing.

We were given horses to ride which is most unfortunate. Luckily there were adjustable stirrups although I could handle riding bareback so I chose not to have a saddle. Gandalf got nothing on me. I was just blessing that holiday on the ranch that had prepared me so well for this. Before I heaved myself up though as I wouldn't allow Fili to help me Legolas came forward and offered me a new bow and full quiver (all approved by Uncle Happy Pants of course) since we hadn't bothered to make one yet, thinking to get it in Dale. It was a standard elf bow, nothing special, but I absolutely adored it. Thranduil pulled me aside and said in a low threatening tone that he had done me a favour by allowing Thorin a fight and telling him about the alternate timeline. It's all a bit Star Trek: 2009 isn't it really? I would be called upon to repay at a later date. It was then that I realised I'd been played by the elf lord. Last night I really had been lulled into a false sense of calm so he could wheedle from me something that would put me in his debt. This time it was I who gave him a shock by letting out an appreciative laugh. In Middle-Earth I was a liar, manipulator and emotional blackmailer if last night was anything to go by but Thranduil was definitely the master and I'd just been schooled. So I bowed my head in utter respect.

I looked back as the Company and our escorts started our week's journey to the other of end of this epic forest. My last glimpse of the Elvenking of Mirkwood was a tall, imposing Lucius Malfoy overbearing in his gait even with the injuries and impassive until the end. I had no idea which version of him to believe. Thranduil you majestic fuck. I think I love you.

Everyone was quiet and solemn apart from when the Company spoke in Khuzdul and our escorts spoke in Sindarin. Bilbo and I couldn't help but feel extremely left out. Apart from that early morning wake up call Thorin hadn't spoken to me since and still levelled his stare in my direction. Despite what I'd saved them all from and gaining an ally for the upcoming battle... Oh wait. He was pissed off because I hadn't spoke to him about the battle yet. This sparked my own annoyance. I pretended to have the vision last night and was made the social leper for the rest of it. Screw you petty King you have no right. With this in mind I arranged my new elvish bow and quiver so that they were in pride of place just to piss off He-Who-I-Have-Severe-Issues-With, you can decide on which Durin. I opened my mouth. I sang.

"I'm gonna be a mighty King so enemies beware!" My horrendously bad voice filled the angsty silence. The elves' face remained placid but I could totally tell they were secretly amused. Kili was openly amused as I'd taught Fili the song long ago. I'd said that if he didn't sing it to himself all the time there was literally just no point. Fili definitely remembered because his moody face became much more sullen. I didn't say the hair bit in case it hurt my Kee's feelings so I continued with, "I'm gonna be the main event like no King was before. Something, something, something..." Don't look at me like that, it's been a while since I heard it. I'm surprised I still remembered this bit, "oh I just cannot-" I was cut off in my prime by Thorin snarling at me to shut my mouth or he would sew it shut for me. I simply skipped to, "Kings don't need advice from little hornbills for a start! Let me finish Master Oakenshield," I had taken to calling him by a formal name to show I was still annoyed at him for my pariah status, "oh I just cannot WAIT TO BE KING!" I bellowed out as loud and as obnoxiously as I could. With a satisfied smile I trotted my horse forward and up to Legolas, "so dear friend." A many derisive snort from the Company, "will there be enough light tonight for us to practice?" Everything was so dark and twisted that it didn't seem possible.

"Practice?" Fili suddenly decided to break this weird silence we were having with alarm evident in his voice and stiff posture. I rolled my eyes.

"Yes dear. We're analysing the differences between dwarven shooting and elvish shooting. No touching involved. And if you're worried Kee can join in." My tone was as stiff as his posture and with all the heat of his glaring. Were we ever going to get it right between us?

"I would be happy to show the Elf how to shoot." Kili said to try and ease both the tension between his brother and I and mock the elf. I don't believe there was any real venom in what he said. Legolas thought as much too so he just smiled and assured me that it would be alright.

I wasn't entirely sure it would although I couldn't quite tell if I was thinking about archery or Fili.


	25. Old Man

_So this chapter was written on the day I wanted to eat everything in sight, cwtch everyone who loved me and kill anyone who looked at me funny. You know the day guys, you know the day. So this is super cheesy and contains KayFi, a name penned by **3insteinComplex**!  
_

_Right, my beautiful reviewers are:  
**blazingwing **(I understand your pain! In fact I think I wrote you a long, detailed message about it.)  
**Vault108 **(I keep killing you x) I kind of feel bad :P  
**kaaayyytteee  
Lovely **(who cares? No big deal. I want more.)  
**Beinedhiel **(he would definitely be the one the show was actually created for!)  
**Kili's girl forever  
Guestgirl **(I am the Queen of Subtlety :D  
**Leggylover27  
run4life  
justiceintheworldofhip-yearight **(woah! They'll redeem themselves I promise!)  
**Keeper-of-the-Cheese **(I would have written the SMAJESTASS-OFF but I couldn't handle the pure awesome of it!)  
**Guest  
SaintAequitas x100000** (welcome back dear!)_

* * *

That night we made camp in a very large clearing. Large enough for an archery competition between myself, Kili and Legolas. Naturally I would be the first out and I had a very sneaking suspicious Legolas would win. I mean he had at least a two thousand head start on us. When I remembered this I started calling him 'Old Man'. He very diplomatically said nothing. As we set up camp Fili stuck as close to me as possible without inciting my ire. He accepted being in the dog house and said nothing to me apart from to ask if I could be pulled aside later for a chat. We were definitely long overdue a feels chat. This was always the worst part of relationships for me but I was determined to do it. I loved Fili even if I wasn't entirely sure I was _in_ love with him without wanting to sound cliché. We'd never had any private time together yet nor a conversation that hadn't been eavesdropped by someone. It was frustrating and gave me so many doubts. So yes, a discussion would definitely be in order.

"Lady Gallagher, if you would like to shoot now?" Legolas called me from my camp activity of pretending to look busy so that no one called upon me to do some actual work. I joined Kee and Legolas grabbing my weaponry from my pile. This was going to be part lesson too since the Elf Prince had been given permission to alter my stance should the occasion call by a spitting Fili. Was it a bit weird to be kind of proud of him for that? Almost as soon as I'd made my way over all camp activity stopped and two barricades of audience set themselves up, rubbing their hands in glee. I'd warned Kee that he might lose to which he shrugged and told me that Fee had bet on the Elf Prince. Only somewhat influenced by their family neither of the Durin lads held elves in the same contempt and were willing to see logic... sometimes. It was me first although why I actually took part at all is beyond me. It's not like no one knew this was all about Kili and Legolas having a showdown. So basically I just shot off into the trees, curtsied and sat down.

"Don't strain yourself too hard now Old Man. We understand if your joints are getting a bit achy." I shot Legolas a wink that he ignored. I'm positive he didn't know exactly how to take me, so different from the dwarrows he was told about by his father. He has since grown much more used to me. In fact I'm pretty sure he actually likes my sense of humour. When I sat down Fili shuffled closer and very bravely took my hand in his. Even when Dwalin tried to bat it away he didn't move. You're a confusing wee thing my Golden Lion but I appreciate the gesture. I squeezed back and watched the competition. It literally lasted two seconds. Kili shot dead in the centre. Legolas shot through the arrow. Legolas shot dead in the centre. Kili shot through the arrow. This happened four times before it was considered a draw. It took all of five anticlimactic seconds but the haggling of bet money took a lot longer. It here Fili and I decided to make our escape to the further reaches of camp, staying firmly within the firelight that had been set up all around. This conversation was going to be way more important than archery lessons. We stood awkwardly for like ten minutes. Finally Fee took the first move by sitting down against a well lit tree, taking my hand and guiding me to sit in front of him, just how we'd sat in front of Beorn's fire. We both found it hard to be serious when facing each other. After more awkward silence I began with,

"Okay, let's start with the big stuff. _Why_? Why do you even love me? Or think you love me. Either one."

"Because you're my-"

"If the next word to come out of your mouth is 'One' I will actually cut you. It's such a cop out answer and you know it. Like just because we're fated or whatever doesn't mean we should actually be together. Maybe we're just fooling ourselves with that and really we're just too different." His arms that had rested on his bent knees tightened around me and his whole body shifted forward until his chest rested on my back. He tilted his head so that the side of it pressed into my hair. We both ignored the arguing that was occurring on the other side of the clearing. Bilbo was searching for his neutral party friend before resigning himself to the fire when he found me having a Moment with my man.

"I was going to say Partner in Crime as you like to call it if you'd let me finish. There now. You're impulsive, beyond silly, downright rude sometimes and overly fond of bathing. Let me finish!" He chuckled when I moved to interrupt again, "Add cannot stop talking." There was a playful poke to my side. "Those are all compliments. With you I'm not a prince with no kingdom or son of Dis. I'm Fili. I've not performed any great deeds or crafted you any beautiful jewels but here you are. When you arrived at Bilbo's glaring at Uncle and smiling that big, fake grin of yours I couldn't help it." I could practically feel his blush through my hair and his hesitance to say all this was palpable. But it was stroking my ego big time so I wriggled into him with a giggle for more, "I just- I don't know. I needed to know you. And then I did and I woke up one day just thinking of you. And I knew. Now you say."

"Oh Aulë help me I'm so bad at this. Okay well back home I've met steadfast people, impish people, loving people and passionate people but you're the only one I've found with a combination of all of them is all. Accepting almost to a fault, a sweet idiot really and really quite clever. You love me which helps- oh and you're super good-looking." I wasn't going to add that I wasn't in love with him yet because I knew I would get there. Just give me time and I would. Spoiler alert: I did man. I fell in love with him so hard. But that's for another time, "I guess I'm just finding the courting rituals really hard too. It's not like that where I come from." Fili gave a disheartened sigh like he knew this already. Like I said before, I've never been exactly subtle about my displeasure with things. He shifted against me. Please don't do that, it's ridiculously hot. Especially with your muscles dear.

"You're a dwarf in Middle-Earth now though. This is your culture and we're your people. I'm your people."

"You're right Fee. It's just... I'm a tactile person okay. I touch to communicate. I hug all the time to show how much I care. And I can do it with Kili but not with you. And I love Kee – he's my brother – but it's not the same. Yes we're hugging now technically but it's still not the same alright."

"Then we compromise. We arrange for a courtship for the both of us. Hugging allowed but above the waist." Add willing to compromise and understanding to his list. It just gets bigger and bigger.

"You know it's a bit like you don't even want to touch me." I teased slightly, pulling forward and out of his embrace to face him. Those dark fire-lit eyes flicked over to where Dwalin and Thorin were nursing their black eyes after the fight with the elves (well Bilbo was fussing over Thorin of course). As if on a cue Kili settled himself in between their lines of sight and us, all rehearsed like. Then the dark eyes were on me and my lips were being completely drowned in his. His grip was firm and my travelling tunic rode up a little, enough for his fingers to touch bare skin at least. I swear god for someone as frustrated as I was it was like a drop of water to a dying man. I all but wrapped myself around him. Not only is my man an earthquake of epic proportions but he's an honest kisser. Nothing held back, not even sounds. Not going to lie, I totally would've tried to push him to the floor had we not run out of breath. Then he peppered my face in playful kisses.

"Never think I don't want to touch you. Now I think we can sneak in a few more if you like."

Well if you insist.


	26. So The Half-Truth Comes Out

_Okay on-my-knees writing at the moment! So as such no witty responses (which I know you all totally love ;) to the reviews but of two things I am certain. I love you guys and I so need sleep it physically pains me. Anyway, pretty dialogue heavy._

_And yes, apologies for the archery contest. The more I thought about it the more unlikely it seemed it would be any real challenge. Legolas is like 3,000 years old apparently! So yeah. My bad :(_

**_3insteinComplex  
Lovely  
SaintAequitas  
kaaayyytteee_**_(so happy you stayed btw)  
**Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
Beinedhiel  
Vault108  
Ilya  
Guestgirl**_

* * *

This was probably the most ridiculous, bizarre and all other such synonyms thing I had ever seen. Elves and dwarrows _bonding_. Naturally Thorin sat to the side but this was me trying to show him that he didn't hate elven kind, just the Elvenking. It wasn't working. There was no coming back from a century old grudge that had morphed into casual racism. Also, mostly never casual. Just pure racism. Balin sat by his King remembering the aftermath of Erebor all too well. Those who didn't were the ones joining in. The evening had been boring and tense so I had introduced them all to the game of Stuck In the Mud. You know the one which is basically tag but when you've been caught you have to stand in a T and wait for someone to run under your arm? Yeah well this was easy when the dwarrows got so caught up in the game they actually endeavoured to help the elves and walked under their arms without needing to bend. Already there were broken noses and good-natured fights had broken out but nothing with any real harm. Elves gave as good as they got and for all their peace-loving, dandy-looking ways they were as violent as the dwarrows. This discovery pleased them all. There was no way in hell I was ever going to introduce them to the sheer brutality of the game British Bulldog. Death would most certainly be involved.

It was the third night of our six day trek to the other side. We were a few days ahead of book schedule but I figured the other three days would put us bang on target. Not that I fully understood what that target was, it just felt right. The second day had been less terse with just good ol' riding and the night was actual archery practice. Kee and Legolas took turns in teaching me and were very interested in learning from each other as well. Between the three of us we could yet unite the two houses in some kind of companionable alliance. I immediately rescind that thought when Kee punched Legolas in the face for an imagined slight. Naturally Fee and I were better with each other but the problem of his lack of action and defence in the face of his uncle still lingered. We'd fix it during our break in Laketown. Now was not the time for antagonism, especially with Thorin and Balin holding that particular fort down all by themselves. Speaking of those two.

I spent my third night cuddled up to Thorin and his fire. And by that I mean wrapped in Fee's coats (no law against it please stop judging) by the fire and discussing the Battle of Five Armies with him. It was here Balin and I would put our plan into place. Thranduil's cure for dragon sickness hadn't been so much of a cure but more of a distraction and a hope that foreknowledge and lots of it might bring about some semblance of control. Also a blood bond shared with someone who wouldn't feel the lust of gold. A very extreme and very old, almost unheard-of bond that dwarrows used long ago in this aid. Back when elves and dwarrows had been friends, before whatever ancient grudge began, blood bonds stopped the gold lust. Apparently. It's been a super long time since then. I obviously would not be making the bond since I had to die for this bloke, I wasn't about to bleed for him too. That and I really do love pretty things. Balin and I settled on Bilbo. Although we hoped it would never come to this. Only Fili knew of our plan. The plan that unravelled when I started to speak of BoFA.

"And where will you be Lady Gallagher," his hurt over my leading him straight to Thrandy was fading so the use of my name was returning, "when all of this battle takes place? Surely not in the battle." His concern was touching and it made me feel almost guilty.

"I shall be in the battle Uncle." I had been asked to call him that, "but I'm afraid I won't be fighting for you. My loyalty will lie only with Fili." I was saying this all as brazenly as possible. Thorin's jaw tightened but he said nothing. He probably thought this was to do with his mean treatment of me over the past couple of days. Balin stepped up by asking why in convincingly fake shock.

"Uncle will fall into a crazed dragon sickness and try to murder Bilbo and then exile him." A dead silence between the three of us with the background noise of light-hearted insults and laughing. I looked up and shrugged as if this was nothing new. Well to me it wasn't but to Thorin it was confirmation of his greatest fear. When he spoke next his voice was quiet. His face remained as stone like as ever but his eyes actually glistened. All in the eyes is Thorin and I can't help but breach protocol by giving his clenching hand a gentle pat. I continue on with the shock treatment anyway, "this battle will begin because you refuse to part with gold. You believe it's yours when it's not. That gold belongs to Erebor and should be used to reward her allies."

"What happens if I refuse to part with the gold?" Thorin whispered although his quavering voice suggested to me that he didn't want this to happen in the slightest. There was a new determination in his eyes I was pleased to note. Balin turned to me. I was very reluctant for this but both Fili and Balin said that I should. So I compromised by giving a vague answer,

"Certain death." Now death was certain in all battles but I naturally heavily implied all of theirs.

"Apart from you and a few blessed Lady Gallagher." Balin grinned although it was a sad smile. To think that all of this could go wrong. "Please tell Thorin what you told me." Oh Lord. Here it was. The big one. My explanation surrounding my deaths. I wondered if my lies and half-truths would ever catch up with me. Spoiler alert: they didn't but after my writing this I have a feeling they're all about to come crashing down on my head. Luckily I had prepared the half-truth.

"As you know Seers are very rare, even amongst my people. When we're born it's usually for a much greater purpose. _My_ purpose is to save the Line of Durin from their fates. By forewarning them of future events and by dying in their place." Whew! I felt so much better now that that was out in the air. A large grin came over my face which looked slightly like I was stoned in the hazy firelight. There was another silence but Thorin was a clever man and grasped what I was telling him rather quickly thank god.

"You have saved my nephews from death by meeting it twice. How can we repay you?" There was a new awe in his face. I didn't like it. It felt very strange to me. This was exactly what I was trying to avoid. Putting it like that makes it sound so glamorous where it truly was the furthest thing from it. It was a lot of pain and then waking up in a very strange place.

"Three things. Listen to me when dragon sickness takes over. Allow Fili and I to hug, hold hands and things. Also, I'd rather you didn't tell them please Uncle." I added lightly. I had no desire for both of our relationships to be coloured by this at all. Kee would be inclined towards hero worship and Fee might threaten to marry me then and there. Let's wait slightly. Thorin turned over the three things in his head before giving me a curt nod. With a grin I chirped back happily, "Who knows? Maybe I'm a phoenix. To die and die again, only to rise up from the ashes even more awesome than before."

"What is a phoenix?" Balin's tongue stumbled around the new foreign word. I kept forgetting that the mythical creatures of my other world had nothing to do with this one.

"A bird who dies in flames and is reborn from the ashes." I poke the fire in front of me with a stick as if to emphasis my point. Suddenly a great roar goes up behind me as the Company declare themselves the winner. As predicted Stick In the Mud had dissolved in to chaotic fighting. Legolas had fought bravely until the end, enjoying his moments of nostalgic childhood when fighting was allowed. As a grown-up prince physical violence other than battle clearly was not allowed. However he'd admitted defeat when Ori of all people had tackled him to the ground and sat on him until he submitted. Fee looked over to check that I was watching their triumph. We both laughed although I can't remember at what. All I remember of that moment is Thorin muttering under his breath with clear satisfaction,

"The Phoenix Princess of Erebor."

OH MY GOD GET ME A TIARA GUYS. I AM A FUCKING BADASS.


	27. Mellon

_Okay woah! I have completely messed up with the location of Thranduil's palace. So forgive me :( I might have to burn my Tolkein-Nerd-Banner. Also, please check out **ShadowFire225's **review for an awesome history lesson of the grudge between elves and dwarves!_  
_Speaking of reviews ;)_

_**SaintAequitas  
Guestgirl **(so glad you do! I thought it might be too Mary Sue or something!)_  
_**Beinedhiel **(highest of fives :)_  
_**3insteinComplex **(I totally dislocated my jaw from that game. It was awesome. YAYYY BE FREE MY LITTLE SHIP!)_  
_**Guest **(tell me Red Rover?)_  
_**ShadowFire225 **(the nerdish rant was beautiful!)_  
_**Suheyla **(have fun? :D and riiiiiiiiiight ;)_  
_**Lovely **(I totally got that from Fawkes! And I MISSED THE REFERENCE AGAIN!)_  
**_Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967_  
_Leggylover27_  
_Ilya_  
**

_So I'm just casually throwing in some Sindarin. It's from various websites to my apologies if it's not totally accurate!_

* * *

Well we'd made it to the other side without casualties. That isn't to say there weren't wounds of course. I think all of us were pretty much banged up. My ear still hurt from Dwalin clipping it when I started singing again. This time a wide medley of music from the eighties. Cyndi Lauper, The Pointer Sisters, The Clash, Starship. Fee quite liked _Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now _though. It seemed that no one else in our retinue was that way musically inclined. That night I'd pouted and told them that if they didn't want me to sing then we should at least have some dancing. Like a cultural exchange! Elves dance how they like with no grumblings from us dwarrows and we dance how we like with no judgement on their side either. For a few moments the idea was mulled over but it was Thorin, who had suddenly decided to be my Super Best Friend 4 Lyfe, who had agreed on it with a nod. After I'd had my usual training of course. Naturally I'd been training in close combat every night with Dwalin as a stern but fair tutor. I was coming along nicely though it would take years for me to get anywhere near these guys' levels.

So our last night all together was dancing. If video cameras and internet existed that scene would be on Youtube so fast I'd break the internet. At first it was the elves with their flutes and hippy music. It was somehow beautiful and happy but entirely heartbreaking at the same time. When Bofur and others got out their flutes, the only instruments that could be feasibly carried when travelling, it was much jauntier and reminded me very much of the welsh folk dancing my parents used to do. We'd travel to evenings called Twmpaths where it was basically a loud, rambunctious get together with set dances, a lot of beer and plenty of food. Wow, the welsh are basically dwarrows. The elves felt that showing our delight for dancing so openly was rather quaint and joined in. If I'd thought yesterday was bizarre this had somehow topped it. Ori danced with an elf and Dwalin almost incited a race war there and then but managed to keep it in check. I had no such luck with Fili who, taking full advantage of our compromised courtship, kept me close by his side at all times. Bifur kept nodding knowingly. I found that I didn't mind in the slightest. Legolas danced with Kili since they were both becoming friends over their love of archery. Instead of asking me about dwarf customs as he had begun doing Legolas had turned his questions towards the youngest Durin when he discovered that I knew next to nothing. Of all the people who enjoyed the dancing however Bilbo was the happiest amongst us. Hobbits adored to dance although sometimes dancing with someone was a sign of the beginning of a courtship. He very much enjoyed dancing without having to worry whether someone was approaching him with this intent or not. It was wonderful watching Bilbo dance in a carefree way. A worried frown had constantly niggled at his face since Beorn's. Privately he'd stammered out that Thorin was making him anxious. Did he have feelings for the burglar? Did he not? Was his braiding just being polite? Half the time he shared this with me I just felt like shoving them both in a dark corner a room and making them just go at each other inappropriately. But that would be rude since he'd confided in me in secret. So instead I made do with hiding giggles behind my hand every time something remotely romantic happened. Like when Bilbo asked Thorin for a dance with a sly but nervous smile towards me. My eyes widened to a ridiculous amount and I tugged as hard as I could on Fili's beard which was resting on my shoulder. He simply linked our fingers and told me he knew. Fangirl screeching was contained, I promise.

And then, halfway through the sixth day, after lunch, we departed from Mirkwood. All of my Company visibly relaxed once we saw actual sunlight for the first time. Only three of us actually looked a bit downhearted, Legolas, Bilbo and I. Legolas gave me a tiny smile, "I only wish our time together was longer and in considerably better circumstances." Then he lapsed into Sindarin, on which I had been brushing up during this week much to the annoyance of the Company, since this was the language I'd learnt in my old world, "Hiril vuin, peditham hi sui vellyn. Gi nathlam hí. Harthon gerithach lend vaer. Na lû e-govaned vîn." It was basically just a series of stock phrases come together, the very first things he'd refreshed in my mind, but I knew he meant them. I curtsied as low as I could to which Thorin scoffed and smiled up at the Elf Prince who turned out so much nicer than I thought he would. I responded with the phrases I'd learnt but a bit less formal,

"Le fael hîr vuin. No i Melain na le. N'i lû tôl mellon nín." Then I nodded to our other escorts whose names I can't remember now but we never saw each other again after that so it doesn't really matter. Then Legolas turned to the entire Company and I went to settle in between Kili and Fili who had been watching the exchange with both suspicion and interest. When no one else could hear us Fili would sometimes tease me about my 'talented' tongue since I could pick up languages fairly easily. I'd always had a knack for it though. Often times I blushed and dipped my head but when I was definite that no one could hear us I'd simply send a perverse wink his way and watch him blush instead. Suddenly an elf came forward and pressed pieces of bread into our hands. I looked down in amazement to see lembas in our hands. A rare gift indeed. Legolas was swinging himself up onto his horse when he smiled at me,

"Don't tell Ada." There was a little rebellion left in him then. I stayed chuckling until our escorts had disappeared back into the darkness of Mirkwood. Damn I hoped Gandalf sorted that shit out on the quest he'd disappeared off to before we got to Mirkwood. I swear to god I woke up one day and he'd just disappeared. Then we started off for Esgaroth, towards Laketown, feeling oddly subdued. I don't know what it was but they actually seemed slightly sad to be without the escort. Well some of them did. Ori had very much enjoyed writing down whatever the elves had to say and sometimes he'd think of a question, go to ask it, but there would be none to answer. Dwalin seemed to send his disappointment and would pat his shoulder every time it happened. We walked in mostly silence until the night started to fall and we looked for a place to camp by the roadside. It was then Bilbo finally caught on,

"This is lembas!" He yelled out into the sunset, "wow! Kayleigh, this is lembas bread!" I struggled to contain my amusement at his sheer excitement but I beamed back at him with a nod, "I'm so honoured." He blushed deep to his ears and stared at the lembas like it was some kind of precious stone.

"I hope you haven't eaten any Bilbo. We have enough food until Laketown. This should be used to sustain us in Erebor." I told him as I rolled out my bedroll far away from Fili's. Before we were courting we'd slept by each other's side every night but as soon as the courting started we were as far away as we could be. Fili had conceded to the odd platonic touch here and there but bedrolls were still a no-go. Fair enough. After I'd said about Erebor though Bilbo gave a loud shout of alarm.

"What _is _lembas?" Kili asked, staring at the tiny loaf he'd been given, all wrapped in leaves. Ah yes, no one had bothered to explain what it was about. He turned to me but Bilbo jumped in with great enthusiasm. I chuckled as low as I could manage.

"It's a very special elven bread! One bite can sustain a grown Man for an entire day! I've eaten half." He sounded so forlorn it was adorable. For some reason I couldn't fight the urge to laugh. When you start trying to hide your laughter I often find you can't and it becomes uncontrollable simply from the fact that it's not allowed. That had gotten me in trouble many times during exam periods in school. I was okay though until Thorin growled in a small kind of jealousy,

"Hobbits will put anything in their mouth." Nope. No I couldn't do it. I lost it.

* * *

_"My Lady we will speak now as friends. You are welcome here. I hope you'll have a good journey. Until next we meet."_

_"Thank you my Lord. May the Valar be with you. Until then my friend."_


	28. Itches Need Scratching

_Right guys! I'm moving to Germany for a bit so the next update will take a while! Maybe a week, maybe two! It depends on how fast I can get internet and settle :D So yeah this chapter doesn't move the plot along overly. More of a transition chapter and the next one shall be all vignettes but then EREBOR :D_

_Also happy April Fool's Day! Someone cut off my fringe for an April Fools and I can't fix it x) I must retaliate! But first the reviewers!_

_**Ilya **(I'll tell you when you're older!)_  
_**Vault108**_  
_**Karen **(totally what I was thinking x) and glad you're enjoying!)_  
_**SaintAequitas **(I TOTALLY FORGOT IT WAS EASTER!)_  
_**Lovely **(I wish I had netflix so bad! Oh my god Sherlock, prepare for the feels.)_  
_**Guestgirl  
Beinedhiel  
Ari **(I remember that! We called it a different name though... which I can't remember :(_  
_**Guest  
Bluebird who whistles x2**_

* * *

Laketown was finally looming in front of us. There was a guard hut drawing nearer with a nice fire and two guards inside drinking ale and not looking at what was happening at all. Good to see some thing's never change. I'd just spent half the day trying to convince them to bathe in a river, clean themselves up a little, but I'd only managed on a few of them and myself. I'd found a stick that vaguely resembled a brush and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to sort out my hair for the first time. I'd been using my hands for the past few months to try and disentangle it. But this resorted in Fili switching to my horse and just doing my hair for me into one big plait of mini braids. Fili had been acting extremely weird since we were allowed to change our courtship rules and he found out about the future gold-sickness. Obviously I enjoyed all the sudden contact but the sudden switch from 'EW GIRL COOTIES' to 'let me love you' had me reeling. Everyone muttered about how inappropriate it was but no one actually made a comment about it. They understood. But now there we were, outside Laketown and only a few weeks away from claiming the mountain. Oh shit. That was a daunting thought.

"Who goes there?" The guard finally seemed to realise that there was the ridiculous vision of a group of Small Folk riding Big Folk horses waiting patiently for them to let them into Laketown. Thorin growled out,

"I am Thorin Son of Thrain Son of Thror and King Under the Mountain. I have returned and wish to meet your Master." The guards looked at him very dubiously since he was all travel-worn and dusty. You see Thorin, this is why I ask for you to bath. So we might avoid all of these doubts. When their eyes alighted on the various bits of wealth Thorin showed off like his rings, their doubts were cast aside. All of a sudden they seemed excited that the King of the Mountain had indeed returned to them and they glanced at the mountain itself as if gold were to suddenly fly out of it. I rolled my eyes.

"So the Line of Durin isn't the only one to fall so easily to gold-sickness." I muttered. I didn't, and still don't, truly believe that gold-sickness haunted the Line of Durin because I don't remember being told of other dwarven rulers succumbing to it. I know mental illness can be hereditary but I don't think it holds true for this particular one. The captain of the guard levelled a look at me so I offered him a dark look back, "you want something buddy?" I was in a particularly bad mood. All of this avarice was becoming an itch that wouldn't go away even when scratched. The captain blinked at me for a good few seconds as if he wasn't expecting a woman to speak back to him. Well shit son, I dunno how the Men of Middle-Earth play it but I give as good as I get. Just ask my brand new uncle. The man shook his head and announced that he would lead us to the stables where we would dismount and then be led to the feast. Since the entire town was on a lake to my surprise, although I don't know what I was expecting really, the stables were nearby and we were led to the town within a few minutes. It was so wonderful walking through the town, actual civilisation that weren't random villages or ethereal elvish quarters. It was basically a wood Venice and I suspected would look pretty in the sunset. People looked at us with suspicion but children gazed with open wonder and curiosity having long heard stories of dwarrows but never having seen any. I punched Fili who walked beside me in excitement.

"Children Fili! There are children! Can we keep them? Look that one's got so many she won't notice if we steal at least one away!" I cooed happily. I just love children okay. I think they're wonderful. You've got the moody teenagers with their drama, the toddlers with their total lack of social decorum and the babies just casually trying out their new bodies for size. In my ideal world I'd always dreamed of having a whole bunch of children; all adopted of course. Even in my ideal world I'd been a single mother. I'd take them travelling, they'd keep me grounded in the real world and I'd be the embarrassing mother who hugged them on their first day of secondary school in front of everyone. This entire journey had been child-less which was wholly sensible but I hadn't realised how much I missed being around children until then.

"I never imagined you to like infants milady." Oin of all people commented on my unabashed delight of children. Did he have his ear trumpet in? I just wanted to swoop down and hug the children, love them and feed them until they were all squishy. If I had though I wouldn't have noticed everyone else quirking their eyebrows in my direction. Even though dwarflings are precious dwarf ladies tended to put the painful experience off for as long as possible. I quite understood. However I was willing to endure it. Lack of modern medicine aside it could not be that different. I'd read the theories on how birthing dwarrows is like super hard but shit, birthing humans is super hard. It's the exact same thing.

"Oh I love them! I want loads. Fili please can we have loads? Like I want at least seven or something." By this time everyone was looking at me with undisguised curiosity and 'do you even know what you're saying' looks as I wrapped my arms around one of Fili's. Thorin practically poured unicorns and rainbows from every pore in a very stark contradiction to everyone else.

"Well it's your body." Fili shrugged although he looked so fantastically pleased at the thought of being a father. If I knew him and I liked to think that I did by now he was thinking how they might all grow up to be like him and Kili. And I just want to add that that was so the right thing to say my wonderful, wonderful man. "I have no objections." I dropped a sneaky kiss on to his nose.

"Our children are going to be the cutest things ever. Little blonde and brunette babies with beautiful hair and cute little whiskers. Mischievous little pixies who we'll have to tear away from their ridiculous Uncle Kee otherwise the entire Lonely Mountain will be razed to the ground." Kili fist pumped the air also looking shiningly happy at the idea of being an uncle like Thorin is to them.

"Sounds like we're going to have our hands full."

"You bet your sweet ass we will!" Well it's not like I would need to work a day in my life again although I wanted to. I do rather enjoy working but raising Heirs to the Mountain and publicly trying to chastise them for their pranks but secretly giving them something to draw on the faces of sleeping victims with would definitely keep me busy. Finally a long hall full of light, people singing and drinking came into view. I groaned. The Master, and one who wasn't even a crazy-ass timelord, was coming up and I hated him. I hated him in the book and the movie probably wouldn't have endeared me to him despite him being played by national treasure Stephen Fry.

"What can we expect?" Thorin asked me quietly. I groaned,

"He's greedy as sin. Will take you in for a chest of gold but you'll give it to a better person. This better person will give some to the Master and he'll run away with it all. Slimeball too, miserly and grotesque." Well that's the image I always got from him. Thorin said nothing but his eyes looked kind of pleased that he'd given gold away and not become a hoarder.

Let's just get this over with.


	29. All Mouth, Too Much Trouser

_well I'm all cwtched up in Germany safe and sound! Stressful as hell but I have internet at last! But silly me I've completely forgotten my book and thus can't remember what actually happens in the last chapters. How is Smaug killed, how do they find the Door and everything leading up to the BoFA! So bear with me and my internet researched knowledge ;)_

_The people who need thanks for waiting are:  
**Beinedhiel  
Vault108  
Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
Bluebird who whistles **(kinder is gorgeous!)  
**3insteinComplex **(I actually love Germany but daaaaamn are they unorganised! Which you totally would not expect!)  
**Lovely **(they shall be named after the Weasleys and no one can do a thing to stop it!)  
**Luinwen-2013 x2  
Guestgirl  
Suheyla **(Stephen Fry is a national treasure :)  
**Alice-Ann Wonderland **(I honestly have no idea whether to LOTR it!)  
**Ari **(hope this works for you ;)  
**thetravelinglemon **(mwahahaha we shall see on the ending ;)  
**Musje5**  
_

* * *

Just as expected the Master was an odious man who didn't deserve the title. He rubbed his hands whenever gold was mentioned, was fat, sweaty and balding and not in the cuddly uncle kind of way, and licked his lips at any girl who walked past. I think I threw up a little in my mouth. Thankfully, what with me being a dwarf, he hadn't made a grab at me although Fili kept me safe by his side for a while with his arm casually slung over my shoulder. It was very sweet. Despite the fact that we had been travelling all day and it was well into the night the Master had insisted we stay around for the party before showing us our quarters. Unlike in the books there were no elves to make him doubt his resolve to shelter us since we'd parted on relatively good terms.

The welcome was warm, inviting and absolutely full of warning. We would most definitely be required to pay all of this back. It was obvious in every gift that we received, given with sly views from under eyelashes. After being guided to a very long table full of food-based debris so it had been evacuated for us gifts upon gifts were piled upon us. I received a wealth of dresses, some of them I actually wanted to try on, and jewels upon jewels. Those I cared slightly less about. Those were the only gifts obviously intended for someone. The rest were just a pick and mix of gifts people thought were good presents for dwarrows. A great many weapons, clothes and pieces of gold and finery were placed on the tables. Thorin steadfastly refused it until flowers were set on the table. Then he grabbed one eagerly and started plaiting it quite openly into Bilbo's hair. The poor sweet hobbit didn't know what to do with himself regarding the public gesture and so content himself to sit there with a scarlet face reaching all the way to the tops of ears. Once he had finished, staring triumphantly at the braids before, Fili grabbed his attention by pushing Balin out of his seat. Balin came to sit by me all manners of confused but made polite conversation with Kili, Ori and I anyway. I wondered how weird it must be for him to talk to Ori knowing that one day the very young one would be his brother in law despite the one hundred plus years age difference. Balin was unceremoniously kicked back out of his seat by my Lion returning with uncharacteristic abruptness. He sent a sharp nod to Kili who nodded back. Just as I was about to question what the hell was going on and why was Thorin giving me glares that I hadn't earned so far as I could recall food arrived. My stomach clued me into realising just how hungry I was and all was forgotten.

He's so creepy." I whispered to Fili from where my head was resting on his shoulder some time later. The Master had started yet _another_ song about gold, possibly his sixth one in however many minutes. Fili simply grunted in response. His eyes were closing from the warmth of the place and his tiredness from the journey. It was at that moment the Master dropped a hint about receiving gold as a reward for taking us in. I raised my head with a look from Thorin, "oh my dear man, you'll get exactly what you deserve for all of this." Which was precisely nothing but the Master looked pleased with my response even though it wasn't from the King himself, "now if you wouldn't mind my good Master, we would very much like to retire to our rooms." I may have laid the flattery on a bit thick but it did the ticket and within five minutes we were being shown to our rooms with our presents piled onto a bed, leaving raucous shouts behind us.

For the first time since we started courting Fili lay snuggled up beside me. He'd snuck in and was sleeping by the time I'd left my bath. My mind was all aflutter as I sat by the fire drying my hair in confusion. However I chose not to question it as I slipped in beside him and his arm went around my waist like so many times before. But this time was different. This time there was no Kili shuffling about, his hand poking into my back. It just me and him. I'd shared a bed with men before, lovers, friends and otherwise. Sometimes, when hiking, it would be too cold and all of us, regardless of gender, would sleep as close to each other as possible for warmth. However none of those had been _Fili_. None of those people were going to be my husband in the future and none of those people were a brick wall of muscle and I could feel move against me whenever my fiancé, for all intents and purposes, shifted in his sleep. When his hips started in on moving-against-me action I scrambled as fast as I could out of the bed,

"Nope. No, get out you great oaf. If you sleep by me I'm going to break protocol so hard there'll be absolutely no way we can ever get married." I stood as far back from the bed as I could, pressing myself up against the wall and crossing my arms over my chest to fight against the cold of the room despite the fire. I made a move to curl up beside the fire until I had calmed down but a sentence from Fili had me stopping in my tracks and staring at him like he'd gone nuts,

"You're all talk Miss Gallagher." It was a challenge. A direct challenge from the person who had been so eager to have a strictly dwarvish courtship. I stared blankly at him for like five minutes in which he stared back at me with a defiant and determined twinkle in his eyes.

"What is going on with you? You've switched from 'let's wait a year to _hold hands_' to 'let's just casually share beds but actually let's not be so casual about it. At all'." I clutched my arms closer to myself in an effort to somehow guard myself from whatever game he was playing. Obviously I'd known that he was getting more comfortable with touching me but this was a whole new level of weird. Mind you, this is the dwarf that had deliberately walked in on me whilst I was bathing in the hopes of seeing my tattoos so anything was possible. Yes friends, that famous bath day in Rivendell had been because he'd been curious about my body and knew it would be impossible to see them on the road. In fact that had been the only day he was sure he could see them since the outcome of this suicide mission was dubious at best. So really anything was possible. Fili sat up and it was all incredibly distracting because he'd chosen to wear one of the night shirts given to us as a gift and it was all sorts of dangerously low cut. At least half of his chest was exposed. The covers fell down to his waist and I turned my eyes away out of common decency. There was a determined sigh from the other side of the room and Fili started with his explanation,

"This journey is a suicide mission Kay. None of us believe we'll survive. It's why my mother wouldn't allow for Kee and I to attend it but we snuck away anyway. We would rather die in a battle against a dragon than regret never accompanying our uncle. I'm not leaving you without anyone in the world if I die. Once we... you know," Oh Lord! The poor dab couldn't even say the word sex. Bless him, "we'll be obliged to marry. You'll have my mother as your mother, my family as your family." I didn't know whether to be angry that he'd tried to trick me into marriage or whether to feel pleased that he'd even thought of giving me a family in case all of this went tits up since I didn't have one any more. I forgot that they didn't know they would survive. My poor Lion's face was so earnest though that I couldn't stay mad at him for long.

"What will the others say?"

"I spoke with Thorin about it and he disagrees. But I want to go ahead with it anyway." Fili discussed it like he was discussing a battle strategy. Heat rushed to my face.

"Oh god! And you expect me to face them tomorrow? After we... you know." Now _I _couldn't say the word! What was going on here? Another thought occurred to me, "Fee, you know I've-" but I was cut off before I could finish warning him about my less than virginal status.

"We will be getting married tomorrow if you're amenable so it shouldn't matter. I've guessed you're not a maid Kay but it doesn't bother me. It's me that you're marrying after all. I am your One." His beautiful face beamed so widely at the thought we'd possibly be married tomorrow that I caved instantaneously. Well true, if we weren't married now then it would happen only after Erebor had truly been reclaimed and rebuilt which could take years. I'm sorry but I was enduring years of sexual frustration. So I did the only thing that made sense and joined him in bed.

Marrying someone thanks to my libido. What an auspicious start to a marriage!


	30. A Little Less Marital Bliss

_Okay so I've had more complaints about the death of Gollum. Yes it probably most definitely is a bad move but that's the point. It was a choice she made in the split of the moment, completely fucking up canon. Which is kind of the point of this story. So yeah :D_

_Also none of M stuff :( I am useless at writing that but I might give it a go in a one-shot if people are willing._

**_Beinedhiel_**_(who isn't a fan of Fry!? A wonderful human being :)  
**Guestgirl **(not as fast as last time but I blame my lack of knowledge ;)  
**Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
kaaayyytteee  
Suheyla **(well at least they went in to save you? :D  
**sevenplantirs **(I don't know! I don't remember what happens with Smaug :( hi by the way!)  
**3insteinComplex** (never fear! We were both grossly misled by casual racism!)  
**Rebecca x2  
Vault108 **(So sorry to disappoint!)  
**Ari **(someone with a libido of dust and rock is the only person :P**  
****Alice-Ann Wonderland  
****Ilya**_

* * *

So Ori wouldn't let me write out every single detail of Fili's and my _coupling_ as he so delicately put it. I started but the poor lad damn near had apoplexy when he read it over my shoulder. He stole my paper and, if I didn't know him any better, was storing it away for a later date and definitely not for public use like this will be. Ori desperately wants me to finish as my book space in the Great Library is collecting dust. I am however allowed to spare you tiny details.

It was awkward as sin. Oh sweet Mahal was it the most awkward sex ever to be experienced. Although unexpected of a warrior prince Fili is a natural with his hands. And his mouth. He's damn good with his mouth too. The awkwardness more stemmed from us trying to find a rhythm and him taking his sweet ass time to be all curious over female anatomy. Overall it wasn't bad and it was definitely a promising start. The romance of the crackling fire definitely helped it along. I wanted some smooth jazz just to give it that bit extra and when I started giggling at the thought poor Fee had an attack of self-consciousness. Took a few minutes of directing to get him unembarrassed and at ease again. And then we slept long into the morning and long after the fire in our room had burnt out. It took Kili banging on the door for what he still claims to be the fifth time.

It was weird coming downstairs. Back home if everyone knew you were having sex there'd be douchebros congratulating you, your friends asking for every minute detail especially if it had been a while coming and definitely some sly, amused looks under eyelashes if it was as glaringly obvious as it was with Fee and I. Fee hadn't stopped smiling like world peace had suddenly been achieved. I'm not ashamed to say that I was smug to the bones too. Only Kili gave us the amused looks but everyone else just continued, business as normal. Well wedding business as usual. Turned out that both Dwalin and Ori would also be getting married this day as well. It didn't take much to organise a wedding here did it? Made a refreshing change from my old word with the months of excruciating planning and bride madness. I didn't have much of a say in it at all since it was naturally going to be a dwarfish ceremony. Apparently all I had to do was show up looking pretty and do whatever they told me to do. It was when I was told this that I was accosted by several human women and one dwarf, hired by Thorin for the occasion, a well-dressed lady merchant from the looks of things.

"Fili? Why am I being kidnapped?" I half-panicked as they started pawing excitedly at me. I take back what I said. Were weddings a catalyst for craziness everywhere? The men laughed at my lack of understanding. These women were here to prepare me as the women's family usually prepared the bride, just like at funerals. I was dragged unceremoniously from the room with Ori accompanying me since he was safely being married this evening. Fili was just grinning a very feline, lazy smile but as the doors closed I saw him and Dwalin being pounced on like I had been.

As I was being bundled through the inn people seemed to be celebrating already. Things were being thrown, men had started being grabby and women were giggling like tiny children. Most of the men grabbed at the human women but one hand caught me on my arse. Now there was no way you could play that off as trying to grab at the woman but the now frightened man tried just that. Me and the lady merchant, who I know as Gimshar and is head of our Merchant's Guild, both turned our heads to him with murderous expressions. Before I would have played it off, told him off and then left without much fussing but my anger at being touched when I was about to be married shocked even me. Then his friend, with a nasty glint in his eye, tried the same thing Gimshar cut off the tip of his finger since meaningfully touching an engaged dwarf was a very grave insult. Fucking douchebros. Were douchebros everywhere? Even in Middle-Earth they still existed. I headbutted him for good measure, "the next time you lay a hand to me will be the last time you have hands." I'm the House of Targaryen bitch. Which is kind of ironic considering my current Quest. Once more into the breach my friends as I was pushed into a hall and pawed upon until I almost screamed in well-meant frustration.

Thorin presided over the ceremony. We were given an area by the lake the town was on that faced a forest and the Lonely Mountain rose up behind Thorin as Fee and I stood holding hands. The sun was just setting so everything was bathed in orange lit, fires were already lit in a circle around us and large logs were laid out to use for chairs. Let it be known that this is _not_ a dwarf wedding in any shape or form. This was just _our_ wedding, doing the best we could with what little we had. We were the first to marry and then Dwalin and Ori afterwards. Their marriage was much more acceptable seeing as they had already been together a while. The Company couldn't help but think we were being very scandalous but they understood. Everyone was dressed in as much finery as the gifts from Laketown could afford us. Even Bilbo, who had also been presented with dwarven clothing, was as dressed up as he could manage. He'd kept it as hobbit like as possible with waistcoats and rice to throw. Bilbo had requested that even though I was a dwarf would it be possible if I allowed some hobbit traditions. Might as well honour both species at my wedding. Naturally I'd obliged. So that's how Fee ended up looking so wonderfully regal with a crown made of flowers in place of a worked metal one fit for a prince and beautiful dwarf clothing lent by Gimshar who was happily in attendance and sending flirty eyes at Bombur. I was in a dress that I'd asked to be white in honour of _my _traditions, a bouquet and I let the women organise my hair into whatever style they saw fit. I also wanted to be walked down the aisle, which apparently they did at Hobbit weddings so Bilbo was all too happy to oblige me. All the dwarrows apart from the younger ones rolled their eyes until Ori demanded the same treatment so Balin agreed. Bofur played his whistle and Kili played on a borrowed fiddle as Bilbo and I walked down the aisle all nervous like. Damn that kid got skills.

And there we stood. My bouquet was passed to Gimshar and my hands delivered safely into Fili's waiting ones. Then Thorin began the ceremony in his impressive voice, deep and rolling Khuzdul that I never understood, not even when we had our second more official wedding. I remember at the beginning though Thorin said to Fili "Khuzd tada bijebî âysîthi mud oshmâkhî dhi zurkur ughvashâhu" and we both finished with a bow and a curtsy to each other exchanging the sentence 'mukhuh Mahal bakhuz murukhzu'.

When we got to kiss, which seemed like a universal tradition, even in the alternate ones, I almost cried for the worst possible reason. Fili just looked so happy and the kiss was so gentle and loving that I felt guilty for not having that 'in-love-invincible-walking-on-air' feeling yet, even as we married.

Well at least the wedding was romantic. Right?

* * *

**The Khuzdul is neo-khuzdul and was taken from a website!**

_A dwarf who takes a wife must guard her as his greatest treasure._

_May Mahal's hammer shield you._


	31. Jealousy is Not a Good Colour

_Well look at me, back on the plot! The next few chapters should move the story along quite fast. I wanna get to BoFA!_

_So yeah! Sorry this is late :) I'm writing another Hobbit story involving Kili, which is mentioned in here for shameless advertising purposes :)_

_Thank you times are given to:_

_**Bluebird who whistles** (I agree he'd be adorbs! I might post it on AO3 :)_  
_**Beinedhiel  
thetravelinglemon  
Alice-Ann Wonderland **(can you imagine the Company as the cast of Bridesmaids!?)_  
_**Suheyla  
Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
Guestgirl **(Thank you! Swoons and blushes :)_  
_**hisdeadpansy **(sorry it wasn't soon :(_  
_**Ilya  
Leggylover27 **(he's not forever alone I promise :D_  
_**Musje5 x2 **(well hot damn is there was topless dwarves on top...)_

* * *

"We just follow the thrush!" Our group had descended into anarchy as we decided to turn our journey towards finding the door. All of us had plenty of different ideas about finding the door though. Many wanted to leave this day and spend the rest of our time, a whole two weeks, before Durin's Day trying to scour the base of the mountain. Which was a completely ridiculous idea. I couldn't really remember if that's what happened in the book but it seemed that only Ori could see it. Ori Fundinson as he was now known, having taken Dawlin's last name since Dwalin was actually considered noble-born, had stood up and bellowed loudly over the throng of arguers about the thrush. For a second everyone turned to stare at him like he was stark raving mad but Gandalf's words came back to me. He'd said them to me before he departed after Beorn's. I was about to announce my lightning strike of inspiration but Balin nodded sagely and beat me to it.

"Of course. Stand by the grey stone when the thrush knocks and the setting sun with the last light of Durin's Day will shine upon the key-hole." And that was the end of the conversation. If Balin said it so mote it be apparently. I glanced up at the clock and then to Fili. This morning we'd spent time hunting Laketown up and down for Bard the Bowman. We'd eventually found him on guard duty and requested a meeting. Confused as he was he agreed. Gimshar, my wonderful new friend, appeared at the door to escort me to my meeting. Fili hadn't been sure whether he would be able to get out of the meeting in time so Gimshar had kindly offered.

"Before we leave I must speak to Bard the Bowman. I have some important information to give him. About Smaug and about the battle. We must have him on our side." I spoke straight to Thorin who growled at me, obviously very annoyed at my withholding information from him again. Admittedly I did it a lot. Maybe I should have shared but we'd reached the point of our tale where my actions would have direct and possibly dire consequences. Where before I had been confident now I was floundering. Everything could go wrong if I didn't follow cannon. However I was struggling to remember what the cannon was. I had a grasp of things up until the better but it was a weak grasp at best. I knew though that I wanted Bard to be the Dragon Slayer. There was no way I was risking the lives of my Company against the wrath of a dragon.

"Will he require gold?" Thorin grumbled but almost immediately conceded with a nod of his majestic head when Bilbo scoffed. They'd had an argument last night about the nature of rewards. Fee and I, who had been upgraded to a bigger room, just like Dwalin and Ori, had heard them through the walls. Whilst Thorin could shout the loudest Bilbo had a sharper tongue. Naturally he was loathe to us it but when he did it could cut you in half. Thorin knew this better than anyone. We'd giggled quietly as we listened. It was such a domestic argument that we couldn't stop ourselves imagining what they'd be like as King and Consort. This in turn had led to us talking about our future together, which pretty much came true but that is a different tale.

"Give him my share." Bilbo offered gamely but everyone knew it was a challenge directed at his majesty. He was daring Thorin to argue with him about this, tell him what to do with his share of the treasure like he'd tried to do last night. As soon as Thorin's hands clenched and his eyes turned back towards the fire that was making him look so glorious everyone immediately understood who was wearing the trousers in that relationship. Protip: it wasn't King Whipped. I shot a grin at Bilbo to show he made the right choice and finally turned to follow Gimshar who had been waiting patiently just inside the door. Instead of starting to walk with me though she strode further into the room and bowed low to Thorin. One cool eyebrow raised but when she requested an audience it was granted straight away. My lovely merchant friend was liked well enough for that apparently as two other visiting dwarrows had been turned away since they were clearly seeking gold. No one else moved and the two didn't get up to go to a different room so I figured that audiences must not be private moments.

"I wish to fight under your banner in the coming battle." Naturally she had been told of this since she would be in Laketown when it happened.

"But you are Dain's dwarf," Thorin started, not having expected that, "are you not loyal to my cousin, to the Iron Hills?"

"I am sire but I am more devoted still to the Dar family who I know would also very much wish to fight under your banner." At the mention of the Dar family at least half of the Company twitched with recognition including my husband. Actually my husband did more than twitch and I narrowed my eyes at his sudden elated expression. Fili, Kili and Ori eagerly leapt forward in their chairs. I was immediately predisposed towards hating this Dar family. Judging from Kili's sparkly and starry-eyed expression there was definitely a beloved _woman_ involved. I totally hated her already. Obviously I'd known Fili had had some kind of favourite female connection back in the Ered Luin settlement, friend or otherwise, but I still didn't want to see it written on his face. I don't do well with competition. I blinked. Jealousy was definitely a new emotion for me.

"Do you bring word from them?" Kili chewed his lower lip anxiously straining off his seat. Gimshar smiled knowingly in response,

"They are well. Bildar has had a second daughter. It runs strong in their fam-"

"Yes but what of _Gilly_?" The youngest prince all but stamped his foot with the tone he was using. I raised an eyebrow. Immature and silly he might be but never had I heard an almost tantrum before. My husband appeared at my side, more aware of the time than I was. It was time to meet Bard and since the meeting was unofficially adjourned he could afford to take me.

"She is also well. Well on her way to becoming a Grand Master and rumour tells she is even being courted by someone of Dain's house." Kee let out a strangled, sort of anguished noise and Fee started steering me away with a chuckle. His smirk only grew wider when I jealously demanded an explanation of 'and who pray tell is Gilly'. Apparently this Gilly was their childhood friend back in Ered Luin, older than them by two decades, and had been with them quite literally since they were born. She had even helped deliver them. Kee was madly in love with her and had been since he was in swaddling clothes but didn't know it yet. I harrumphed all the way down to where we were meeting Bard with my husband whispering assurances that he didn't have to say into my ear. How I've changed. Slightly insecure, jealous and violent if someone other than Fili touches me. Must mean something. We reached the room and before he left me with the grim-looking man standing by the massive fireplace Fili dropped a possessive kiss on my lips. Maybe I felt a little guilty when he seemed surprised that I returned the kiss just as possessively. My Fee wasn't stupid. He understood that we weren't quite at the same level yet but he was trying. After he left, since he knew that he couldn't be privy to what I was about to unload on the poor guard, Bard remained silent with a slight smile showing he was familiar with young love.

"I must admit your highness that I have no idea what I have done to deserve a visit from the royal Seer. My congratulations on your union." Bard nodded his head.

"My thanks. None of that highness though please, I am no princess. It it now what you have done Master Bowman but what you will do." Very much like Gandalf and Elrond's cloth language Bard communicated in that well-known eyebrow dialect. However he pulled out my chair for me and sat opposite me after I was seated. I told him everything. He took it well and thank god he was a practical man. By the end of our conversation the killing of Smaug had been arranged. Laketown would be evacuated with the villagers taking all of their precious belongings, foods and tent equipment. Guards, militia and anyone else who wished to fight would stay behind. Defences and anything to aid in air attacks on the dragon would be put in place and all money promised would go straight to Bard, Laketown and no on else. Bard had offered to give it to the Master but when I spoke of his ievitable betrayal Bard agreed to use it to rebuild the town.

Mission accomplished.


	32. Bilbo Embodies Badassery

_Woo, I think I've updated this a bit quicker. I'm happier because I'm totally back on plot and action. We're nearing the end soon. I think maybe four-five chapters left?_

_Anyway I seem to have lost a few people buuuut that only makes the reviewers even that more awesome!_

_**Musje5 **(mwahahah never! Many a drink to be spilled and yes, that really does please me!)_  
_**thetravelinglemon **(I am so bad at typos I'm sorry :(_  
_**Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
Alice-Ann Wonderland **(she is going to do none of that! Just wait until the Battle ;)_  
_**Beinedhiel **(I do let you hug me, yea verily. With blushes ;)_  
_**Guestgirl **(I'm sorry! Blame Germany! It's super distracting!)_  
_**Ari **(wait for it, it'll come soon :D_  
_**3instein Complex **(haven't you heard? The reader is never wrong ;) also Germany is fantastic thank you asking! How is your life?)_  
_**Ilya**_  
_**Lovely **(welcome! I thought I'd lost you! Harry Potter and... Alice in Wonderland? Gimshar is not related to Gimli I'm afraid :(_

* * *

Bilbo Baggins accidentally killed a motherfucking dragon. A Fire Drake from the north, Smaug the Terrible, Single Greatest Calamity of Our Age according to Bofur and the bearer of destruction of one of the greatest kingdoms on Middle-Earth. Killed by a gentlehobbit. On accident. Bilbo couldn't even explain it. The poor dab was so nervous about having angered and then killed a dragon that we couldn't make head nor tail of what he was saying. I didn't care. Fili, Kili and I just sat hero worshipping him for ages whilst the others went to check on his claims. Bilbo wanted to stay out of the mountain for a bit and so I'd offered to go and tell Bard of the news if it were true. Obviously Fili would accompany me and Kili wouldn't enter the mountain without his brother and sister.

Let me fill you in first. It took us about a day to get to the mountain which I will glaze over because Ori will have written it in his more epic but ultimately-not-as-cool-as-mine tale. We'd waited another week in Laketown, preparing everyone for war and then left. It was quite a fun trek in that excitement built as we drew ever closer to the legendary homeland. Many of them started speaking in reverent tones about the treasury so Balin forced Thorin to speak of libraries, hot springs and gardens. Balin was definitely a clever bastard since this made Bilbo wriggle about excitedly on his pony. This made Thorin pull a face of lust crossed with fondness. It scared me and I think he pulled a muscle. Pranks were had, we finally had leverage over Dwalin should he ever tell us we were slacking at weapons training again and I was making full use of the private time Fili and I got as a newly-wed couple. Now there's something you definitely won't read in Ori's accounts. Then we basically sat and waited for the thrush. Once we found the little being we found the door. It was all very anticlimactic and all. The only interesting thing that happened was Kili mocking us for being all touchy-feely so we fell asleep on the night before Durin's Day on either side of him. He made a show complaint but settled in very quickly. And don't think anyone missed Bilbo and Thorin _snuggling._

But then the Day of Durin was upon us. All we had to do was wait but the tension was so thick it wasn't even funny. No one was willing to listen at my 'dear god can they not just get married already?' and I think we all know who I'm talking about don't we dear readers. So I decided to try and talk to the thrush. In the book I remember that Bilbo mentioned the weakness upon returning and then the little bird told Bard. I'd done its job for it so instead I was seeing if I could teach it other things like a parrot does. It wasn't amused by my antics and resumed ignoring me. I spent much of that day asleep, practising my Iglishmek and Khuzdul with Bifur and Balin or being told a wonderful story by Bofur. Then finally, finally the sun began to set. Everyone gathered around the door with bated breaths. There, just as the dying light hit the mountain patch where we were standing, markings appeared on the door, running everywhere like liquid glitter until a door, no taller than Dwalin but no wider than Ori, stood where previously there had been solid rock. A small keyhole was visible and everyone was silent as Thorin stood forward and placed it in the lock. Then Bilbo thinking far ahead than all of us took over so that he could do it as quietly as possible without disturbing a possibly slumbering dragon. When the door opened a hell of a lot quieter than if Thorin had done it I pulled the brave hobbit aside and told him of Smaug's weakness. You know, just in case. It's not like I wanted him to actually fight the dragon but he might have to run for his life. When he'd slipped in we all sat and waited for absolutely ages. Kee says it was more like half an hour but it felt longer so ignore him. Thorin huffed loudly and continuously as he paced with his hand over Orcrist just in case he needed to play hero and rescue his beloved.

"Tell me uncle. Which one are you guarding? Bilbo or the treasury?" I wish I could tell you that this delightful piece of sass belonged to me but no. My husband was picking up where I had been sorely lacking these days due to all the seriousness. He was sitting behind me to rebraid my marriage bead but I somehow managed to give him an awkward hug that he happily leant in to. Thorin stopped and stared. Abruptly he sat down next to us ignoring Kili's grumble as he messed up a word. Gimshar, who had left us a while ago, had sent word that Dain would march under Thorin's banner so Kili was taking advantage of the raven by sending Gilly a letter.

"Bilbo is not my One Fili," well that was a shit start Thorin, try again, "but I understand what you are implying." Are you sure? "Bilbo is something I treasure far and beyond any pile of gold. Just like you, Kili and Dis." I knew it cost him a lot to admit that so I kept my tongue in check and nodded once. In any other circumstance I would have teased the ever living fuck out of him but with the gold-sickness at the front of all our minds it would have to wait. Although I did not that he didn't say Bilbo was more important than the Arkenstone but that was something Balin and I could address later. I knew this because Balin and I now communicated with Eyebrow Dialect. Screw you Gandalf and Elrond, your cloths got nothing on us.

"And Kayleigh."

"What?" Both Thorin and I said together.

"As my wife she is your niece. Obviously you don't treasure her as much as I do but surely even to you is worth more than the pile of gold in there." Which totally meant that he loved me far and beyond his love for jewels and gold. Welcome to the moment I fell in love with my husband folks. I whipped my head around as fast as I could and he protested that he hadn't finished the braid. His beautiful, wonderful face registered confusion that I was surprised.

"Above all the treasure of Erebor?"

"Above all the treasure in Middle-Earth obviously." _Obviously_. "I'd give up the Arkenstone itself if you asked. You know that right?" No I hadn't. I hadn't known that at all. I don't even know what I had been expecting but it wasn't that. _Obviously_ my sweet ass. With tears in my eyes (happy ones so I'm totally not ashamed to admit it) I took his hands and told him exactly what he needed to hear, which was the truth.

"I have no Arkenstone or other wealth to give up and prove that I love you but I promise you that if I ever had to pick between returning to my people or you then I'd pick you every time." And then I kissed him as hard as I could. Anyone listening in was definitely confused that this was being said _after_ we'd married but then Fili and I were never one for conventional. Thorin looked away with an unreadable expression but Fili couldn't hide his rumbling laughter or ecstatic face.

And then a bloody loud and tortured dragon roar echoed from the door and spoiled our beautiful moment. All of us stood and not ten minutes later a distraught hobbit tumbled our of the secret door with blood covered hands and letter-opener and very singed hair.

"I think I've just killed a dragon."

"If Thorin doesn't marry you Bilbo I offer myself." Bofur bowed low with a grin. He got punched in the head by an embarrassed and irate King.


	33. Tricking King Douche-a-lot

_Gold-sickness confrontation time my wondrous people!_

_Wondrous People Awards go to:_

_**thetravellinglemon **(request granted for next chapter ;)_  
_**3insteinComplex **(study hard! For the love of all sanity study! :D_  
_**Suheyla  
Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
Luinwen-2013 **(good tears!?)_  
_**Ilya **(exactly like Thor!)_  
_**Vault108 **(Thoin needs much more extreme measures ;)_  
_**angelrider13  
Musje5 **(a good place for a drink as any :D_  
_**Beinedhiel **(and that is all I ask!)_  
_**Ari **(both! Too cute not to happen!)_  
_**Guestgirl **(too slow?)_  
_**Kiyomi99 **(*takes cookie whilst looking apologetic* but thank you!)_  
_**Alice-Ann-Wonderland **(sorry for the late update!)_  
_**bayumlikedayum **(Yes stop raving! You have until the end of this entire story to stop ;) but seriously, don't stop ;)_

* * *

It took two hours, well into the night, for my bunch of Merry Men to drag out the brutally severed head of Smaug, well and truly dead now. Not that I'd doubted my little hobbit friend of course. The blood and his shaking was proof enough. Apparently dragons were easily charmed and enjoyed riddles. There had been a point when Bilbo, cunning snake that he is, asked Smaug to turn over so that he may admire the jewels underneath him. And then plunged his letter-opener in as deep as he could which turned out to be quite deep enough. He'd only intended to wound so that the dwarrows might kill him instead. By the time the head was dragged out Bilbo had stopped shaking, Kili had sent his letter and I had just about managed to find a way to getting the message to Bard that no dragon-battle was happening any time soon via the thrush. However Bilbo started shaking immediately when the severed head, hacked and messy with open, glassy and accusing eyes, was placed before him. Since it was his trophy he had first dibs over what was to happen to it. My poor little baby just reburied his face in the furs we'd been coaxing him from and handed permission over to me. Everyone just looked at me as if to say 'oh god, what are we going to have to do now'. Time to get medieval up in here!

"Put it on a spike in the middle of the battlefield as a warning to the coming armies. The Company of Erebor didn't fall to a dragon, they're not going to fall to a mere goblin." I take Thorin's look of surprised approval as a small victory. Then orders were barked out, the tenseness of reclaiming the mountain not quite leaving him with the looming threat. Dwalin, Nori, Bifur and Bombur were tasked with the spiking of the dragon head, Bilbo and I were ordered to the treasury to fill up chests of gold for Bard's, Dain's and Thranduil's men as a show of understanding when they arrived. The rest were put to searching for rooms large enough and safe enough to house the people aiding them. Erebor was a better stronghold then plain fields and tents after all. Both Balin, Fili, Bilbo (who was totally in on the should-Thorin-become-King-Douche-a-lot plan) all blinked at each other nervously. This was it. These next days would prove if Thorin was strong enough to resist the urge of gold-sickness.

Over the next four days our lives became pretty monotonous. Finding rooms, cleaning rooms, receiving a ton of food from Bard's people and setting about getting the kitchen to work. Legolas had promised to come with food too, most likely lembas, the stuff we were living on now. Not amazing tasting but it definitely sustained us and would during the wait for the battle. I couldn't tell them how long it would take since I didn't have a grasp of the time-line any more. My only real entertainment came from chasing Bilbo around singing the Skyrim theme tune and pestering him by calling him Dovahkiin. I barely had time to check out the glory of Erebor since most of us were too busy ferrying Thorin away from the treasury as he became more and more adamant in the search for the Arkenstone. It would prove his right to rule since his people believed it a divine message. When the dam finally broke and the dwarrows descended on the treasury with a fervour I hadn't seen before it was almost like watching the devolution of man in x1000 speed. They went from proud dwarrows to mindless monkeys in a matter of seconds. Even Kili dived in on the hunt for something that Gilly, a 'Grand Master' apparently. I definitely wouldn't have minded so much had Fili not also been interested in the hunt. He required my permission to find a gift for another woman but I pouted and said no. He definitely found my jealousy amusing and was content to sit by me when I'd told him that I didn't want to decorated like a ridiculous idol. I'd prefer if he showed me that he loved me in much more meaningful ways like he usually did.

"Why aren't you pratting about and going all doolally over gold?" As always Fili read the intent of my sentence even if he didn't understand entirely what the words actually were. He wrapped a strong arm about my waist as he looked at the scene with sadness, like I was some sort of anchor.

"I have a greater treasure of course. You see Gloin, Balin, Bilbo, Dwalin and Ori sitting off to the side?" I glanced over. Sure enough four dwarrows and a hobbit sat staring at the rest of the Company with growing sadness and horror. Balin's eyes darted to Thorin who was like a deer trying to walk. Sometimes he'd catch himself but then he'd lunge only to stop once more, "I don't need all the wealth in Erebor when I have you." That was it! I squealed and turned around in his arms. I pressed my lips all over his face and although he'd no clue what he'd done to deserve it he just let it happen. What had actually happened was that he'd reminded about Thranduil's idea of a distraction. Time for Thorin to confront his love for Bilbo, combine it with this idea of the blood bond and push it so far over the line.

The entire scene played out the next day after we discovered that King Under the Mountain had spent all night in the treasury tirelessly seeking the Arkenstone. Balin, Dwalin, Bilbo and I forced everyone to stay outside the massive hall. The others weren't as bad as Thorin and a strict telling off had made them come back to themselves. Armed with golden daggers that Fili and Kili had found for this purpose we four marched in to find Thorin's little legs kicking amidst the gold. He'd buried himself in a bid to find the Arkenstone further in. Balin pulled him out and received a badly placed kick for his troubles. He was wild and looked so dangerous that Bilbo tried to hide behind my skirts, "well uncle we seem to be having a problem." I tried to keep the shake out of my voice to show I wasn't afraid of the unpredictable violence Thorin looked about to unleash. My monologue basically spewed out of my mouth because if I didn't say it in one go I'd never get it out. Balin and Dwalin forced Thorin to kneel and I gently knelt the quivering hobbit in front of me, brave little sod, "since you've fallen into gold sickness there's only one thing for it and that's the blood bond. It's a very ancient practice and since we've no elves we'll just have to use their adorable cousins the hobbit. Now I'm pretty sure elves and dwarrows can survive how much blood is required," I had no idea what I was doing at this point, just to point that out. I'd not actually been told how to do a blood bond since it was meant to be in the Great Library but we'd not searched, "not sure if hobbits can though. It'll be from the throat. Is that where most blood will spill?"

"Aye." I bet you can guess who said that. Thorin gave an interesting sound of alarm and I'm about fifty percent sure his eyes started to clear, "a quick death too so you won't suffer as much Bilbo." Dwalin added for dramatic effect. If Thorin had been in his right mind he'd have noted that not even dwarrows can survive a stab to the throat but as it were he just gave an anguished roar.

"Wonderful." Bilbo rolled his eyes knowing full well we weren't actually going to go through it, "whatever helps Thorin but a quick death is preferred."

"Right well then. Sorry you had to go this way Bilbo and you're a brave sod for doing it. Would you like me to say the Sindarin vow? It'll be better if _you_ do it of course but you'll not be able to in about thirty seconds." Thankfully my voice had steadied by this point otherwise Thorin would be able to catch all the lies in my tone. At this point Bilbo started to look genuinely terrified or he was a terrific actor, I've never found out.

"I'll start and then you take over." He stammered out and I suspect it was this apparent fear that made Thorin afraid too. No sooner had I raised my pretty little dagger to pretend to kill Bilbo I was hit by full Special Thorin Berserker Rage and halfway across the treasury.

Pain. So much pain.


	34. Someone's Getting Married in the Morning

_Right this one's super dialogue heavy but next chapter or the one after that we go to war! Yay!_

_My favourite people of the day are:_  
_**Ilya **(not dead! I just like putting my characters through pain :)_  
_**BloodPixie140 **(thank you! I'll start gross sobbing in a minute!)_  
_**Musje5 **(not yet ;)_  
_**thetravelinglemon **(here is your request!)_  
_**3insteinComplex **(I am totally willing to share my influence with the Hobbit! I insist! This is also my headcanon :D_  
_**Vault108 **(OH GOOD! I WAS WORRIED FOR A SECOND!)_  
_**Guestgirl **(no it's a good question! And will be answered at the bottom because it's a long note...)_  
_**Beinedhiel  
****Suheyla **(bit ruddy late on the uptake wasn't he?!)_

_Okay so in regards to Bilbo's fear and this mystical blood bond thing: As a first person view point of Kayleigh's she only knows what's going through her mind which is why she doesn't know how Bilbo felt. I like to think he trod the line between acting and genuine fear but you can decide! _  
_The first view point applies to her knowledge as well which is limited. Thranduil mentioned it and she just went 'let's use that in any way we can despite not knowing a single thing about it. This is a plan that totally cannot go wrong'. Basically! :D_

_Anyway. ONWARDS MIGHTY WARRIORS!_

* * *

My husband had to be physically restrained from hunting down his uncle and rendering his head from his shoulders. Well he mentioned a different body part but I can't write it down here. As well as the hitting a woman rule Thorin had also broken the 'don't dislocate your nephew's wife's collarbone and shoulder' rule. Awfully specific that one. Once I'd managed to calm the Durin brothers, Kili also foaming at the mouth, down I sat them down in the massive hall we'd set aside for the elves, blessedly untouched by Smaug. The wyrm had been so intent on the treasure he'd stayed there for all that time. How did dragons even survive? The body was being moved from the treasury in pieces. The dwarrows were hacking into it at available moment with all the rage of a destroyed kingdom. Couldn't blame them really.

"Come now husband, brother. We knew I was going to get hurt when we did the plan, gold-sickness clouds the mind and we were just about to kill the love of his life! Besides shouldn't you be all 'I must obey uncle' and not all 'roar let's overthrow the monarchy'?" All of the times Fili had sided with his uncle over me, which to be fair I think has only happened twice or thrice, still stung me and we'd never gotten around to full discussing it. Especially that time in Mirkwood. That really had to be talked about. My question was answered by two 'haven't you being paying attention' stares. Clearly I had not because I seemed to be missing some important puzzle piece. When I shrugged Kili sighed and said,

"Why do you think Fili married you? Apart from because he loves you of course." Kili added hastily. I raised an eyebrow and furrowed my brow to think. Giving me a family if he died wasn't the reason Kili was thinking of apparently. Fili's hand tightened around my hand a little but our brother continued, "When a dwarf is unwed their loyalty is to their family and the one they are courting second. He or she must obey their family's wishes. When a dwarf _is_ wed then their loyalty lies with the spouse first and family second. It'll change when he's King of course. The people first and all that. Well with you too I guess, being Queen Consort." That was a shocking thought. Fili and I ruling a people... Abdication anyone? No, seriously.

"So when did you decide to actually marry me? Oh and hey, is there any way to stop us from ruling people? I know you've been preparing all your life but I'd rather throw myself off this mountain. Kay thanks bye." Okay so I didn't actually say that last bit. This is a later conversation and a different tale entirely. Spoiler alert: I lost.

"In Mirkwood. Thorin was being ridiculous and I couldn't do anything. Disobeying him would be seen as betrayal and the only way it wouldn't was if I married you. Which we were gonna do anyway because of love and stuff." I've married a poet. Dwarrows weren't big on words unless you were Ori and they showed their love in different ways. Fili showed his by doing things like that, Kili would make a jewel to rival the Arkenstone for Gildar, Dwalin killed things, Ori used his words and Thorin shouted a lot and used flowers in adherence to his lover's species. I, well I married him and decided never to search for a way back to my old world. One day I'd make him something that dwarrows liked to show him I was here to stay and be a dwarf. A bead, a jewel, a dagger, something. With either Kili or Thorin's help. Speaking of which. After I'd pressed my forehead to Fee's in the dwarf show of affection we decided to hunt Thorin to the royal suite where he'd taken Bilbo more than an hour ago. I was a bit hesitant of course not eager to interrupt them mid coitus but the boys were convinced that Thorin would be determined to court Bilbo in the ways of dwarrows as well as hobbits. Anyway, we found the royal quarters easily enough, the massive mithril encrusted doors a dead give away near the top of Erebor. All three of us pressed our ears to the mighty door but couldn't quite manage to hear the quiet rumble of Thorin's words. There was a sudden squeal that sounded suspiciously like Bilbo's emotions being compressed into one weird sound and Kili let out the loudest laugh. Fili clipped him round the ear just as I hissed for him to shut up. All conversation ceased in the room we were trying to spy on. There didn't seem to be any time between Thorin stomping over the door to the door flinging itself backwards. I barely had any time to pretend to look nonchalant whilst the other two managed to hide themselves in time.

"Kayleigh." Thorin growled although Bilbo's hand on his was reminding him that he'd dislocated my shoulder and collar bone. Instantly his expression softened.

"Why uncle!" I whistled innocently as I rolled about on the floor. I panicked! Apparently acting nonchalant wasn't really my thing. "What a coincidence seeing you here! Tell me, do you come here often?" Then, correctly taking my teasing as forgiveness and feeling all light-headed over Bilbo, Thorin threw back his long and majestic hair and let out a belly laugh.

"You are well then namad-nathith? Well enough for you and your husband take over in my stead and welcome the arriving armies?" A lascivious wink told me everything that I'd already read between the lines. Thorin's getting married in the morning! Ding dong the bells are gonna chime! Despite my singing he helped me up all gentle like and pulled me into a massive hug by his way of apology and thanks all rolled in to one. I'm sure I've said this before but damn complex fellow is the fearless King of Erebor.

"Of course! Time to go boys, both of your uncles are going to need a few hours. Or a night depending on-" Fili appeared like the ninja he is to clap a hand over my mouth to stop me from scarring them emotionally for life and, with a vicious look towards his uncle, directed me downstairs to do as Thorin asked.

The elves of Mirkwood arrived first. Bifur and Dori opened the southern gate, the one that faced the town, to find a wealth of elves flooding the fields in numbers we hadn't expected. Good lord I hoped they'd brought enough food. Thranduil and Legolas fronted the army of course, the Elvenking on his Swag Stag and the prince on a pretty horse. A wild Gandalf appeared, popping up out of nowhere behind Thranduil. With purpose he strode in before any of the other leaders could and his keen eyes darted wildly around for Thorin. When he spied the chests of gold and jewels waiting for them all of his tenseness drained out of him.

"How did you cure him?"

"We threatened to kill Bilbo through a blood bond." I couldn't help but grin. Gandalf blanched.

"There is no longer such thing as a blood bond. That is a dark magic banned-"

"Yes I believe that is my fault." You bet your amused, manipulative arse it was Malfoy! I couldn't bring myself to be angry at Thranduil though since his idea of a distraction worked after all, "when the Lady Dwarf asked after cures for Dragon Sickness I neglected to mention it was no longer used. Forgive me Mithrandir but I didn't believe she would actually try and use it." Thranduil moved like nothing I'd ever seen before. Obviously I'd noticed in Mirkwood but here in Erebor it was strange and unnatural. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Fili beginning to work up a rage at Thranduil's games so I interrupted it as loudly as I could,

"Yes well, we only used it for manipulation and no real attempt was made. What's done is done; now is a time to focus on the coming battle. Any news from Dain's scouts?" I asked Dwalin who had just arrived with the deepest scowl on his face, not pleased with the arrival of the elves but thankfully realising that we needed them to win. Dwalin was in charge of communications with Dain, who would be arriving tomorrow and Bard's men the day after. They had to secure their town's people first. Dwalin shook his head.

"Ours tell us that the orcs are not four days ride. We should make preparations soon." Legolas piped up from behind his father and shooting us all a lazy grin. Kili smiled to see his new friend appear and I knew that the archery range set up a day ago would soon be in use. Finally Fili decided to pipe up in his role as welcoming prince and spoke,

"Dwalin will show you to the quarters and stables we have set aside. Tomorrow we will begin talks but for tonight we will enjoy ourselves." The looks on everybody's faces announced that enjoyment was the last thing on anybody's minds and that they'd rather stick pins in their eyes but we would make do.

It was going to be a long four days and I'm not sure we'd get to the other side without inciting a race war.

* * *

Namad-nathith – sister-daughter


	35. Dain, You Are Ridiculous

_Transition period! Next chapter: WE RIDE :D_

_People I wish to join my fictional army are:_  
_**Ilya**_  
_**thetravelinglemon **(you are so very welcome!)_  
_**Musje5** (Thorin doesn't Word but he actions pretty well :D_  
_**Beinedhiel **(let me love you my dear! asdfghjkl)_  
_**run4life **(it's a good approach! Foolproof :)_  
_**Ari **(ohmygod thank you! My fear is that she'll suddenly Hulk out as a Mary-Sue!)_  
_**Guestgirl **(you read my future. I was watching that today :)_  
_**Suheyla **(give me a clue you're alive!)_  
_**Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
BloodPixie140 **(I am a source of constant disappointment. I'm afraid it will happen later :(_  
_**Vault108 **(STILL GOOD CAPSLOCK!?)_  
_**Alice-Ann-Wonderland **(hope this one works out :)_  
_**3insteinComplex **(can you please invent all the little couple names for this please!? They're awesome! Also, I totally agree with you about Tauriel!)_

* * *

Erebor would burn down around us before the battle was even upon us I was sure. The Elvenking and the King Under the Mountain were revelling in being petty little shits all because of Bilbo. Despite their newlywed status, Thorin having presided over the ceremony by himself and promising his new husband both a hobbit wedding and a dwarf wedding, Thranduil had muscled his way in and refused to acknowledge the new tie. He demanded all of Bilbo's attention insisting that the poor fellow tell him all that he could about hobbits and the Shire. Pretty sure Thrandy knew all he could about hobbits seeing as he knew the race when they were a wandering folk and definitely knew that hobbits were always happy to talk about the Shire and wouldn't deny such a innocuous request. Thrandy was just taking great pleasure in coveting what Thorin treasured the most. In turn Thorin was delighting in twisting the knife concerning Legolas' friendship with Kili, Fili and I despite the fact that he hated it himself.

Almost immediately after the elves had sniffed at their sparsely decorated quarters good old Leggy dragged Kili and I to the archery range which was conveniently doubling as a sparring arena too. Thankfully Fee was busy being a diplomatic prince and creating a good image for Erebor in Thorin's absence to object to my being surrounded by elves. He wouldn't have had any right to complain anyway since it was a woman who was teaching me how to adjust my bow according to breast size. I hadn't thought about it at all but apparently it was a thing. We practised until Kee and I, as the only dwarrows in there, knew the sun had set. All dwarrows have some weird internal clock that announces the sun's rising and setting, even when it sets earlier or later. Everything was fine until I awoke the next morning, safely ensconced in a room in the royal suite, with Fee being unusually sensitive about my fingers. For the first time on this journey I woke up with wounds, blisters all over my fingers from archery. Since they'd healed before in Rivendell my fingers had never calloused and were still soft. Looked like my super awesome super mystical healing superpowers were starting to fade. This quickly melted in to a domestic about whether or not I would enter the Battle of the Five Armies. I still had Thorin's life on my hands so of course I would but Fee didn't know that. We continued for almost two hours, even at the breakfast table in the kitchens, until Thorin emerged from his little cave with a new marriage braid to tell us off. Bilbo followed shortly with the same braid but I was stopped from commenting on his mysterious new limp by Thorin telling us to stop arguing and of course I wouldn't be entering the fray. It was really cute the way everyone thought they had any sway over my of my actions. Not even a wedding night was enough to detract from the tenseness of having elves in his legendary home it seemed. Everything seemed well though. The Company were mixing reluctantly with the elves, playing the gracious hosts. Even Thranduil popping up like some devious harbinger of mischief with his floaty walk to drag Bilbo away was taken with a grunting acceptance. I like to compare his walk, if you could call it that, to a Dementor it was that unworldly and floaty, also a bit like he moved on rollerblades. Then other dwarrows descended and all the world went to hell. Dain, a cheerful but unambitious dwarf I had been assured, took umbrage to the fact that the treasury was closed due to the cut up dragon corpse, which was the story we were sticking to, and to the fact that the 'tree-shaggers' had a bigger hall than they did despite the disparity in the army size. Dain had a couple of hundred but Thranduil had near eight hundred. Fights broke out, things were destroyed, elves joined in. The game of British Bulldog I'd so neatly avoided in Mirkwood practically broke out in front of me. Gandalf sighed. I sighed. Bilbo sighed. Everyone else joined in. Bard arrived with his army one day early with an army the size of Dain's which calmed everyone down slightly. Until Thorin showed both Bard and Dain to their rooms in the royal suite and Dain discovered that Thranduil also had a room. Bard was insulted and, despite being a grim but level-headed man, also joined the fray. Thranduil stood to the side with Bilbo, Gandalf and I with wry amusement on his face, especially when Legolas good-naturedly punched Kili. Is it how everyone communicates in Middle-Earth? When I saw Fili stagger out of the massive fight with a black eye, however, I completely lost my shit. Without the others there I would've joined the brawl, hunted down whoever it was and given them two black eyes. My dear Fee would have held them down for me I'm sure. As it was I had to be the representative of Erebor as did Bilbo now I guessed. So instead with a little magical aid from Gandalf I stood to do some major yelling but Bilbo took over much to my shock,

"Enough!" Everyone stopped immediately in confusion and stared that the tiny Halfling should have so loud a voice, "There is a storm coming from just beyond our gates and you would brawl like drunk Wild Men! Do you all actually intend to injure yourselves when we are two days away from war?" You could see he was totally getting into his role of poncy-sounding, chastising father, "Bard, Dain, Thorin and Thranduil, to think that you would allow your people to fight over something as petty as _floor space_!" All four leaders looked duly chastised apart from Thrandy of course who remained impassive, "now all of you stop it this instant! Go on, separate yourselves!" It was hilarious watching everyone come undone from hitting each other and all stand slouched forwards like sulking teenagers, "really, you're all like children. Kayleigh." I gave a start when I heard my name before I got offended. What had I done!? I'd sat on the side and sighed as heavily as he had! "Please, as the only one to talk sense around here apart from our wizard, please direct them." Me? Sense? Well we had gotten into some dire straits hadn't we. I certainly had a few ideas as to what they could do of course but whether they were good ideas remained to be seen.

"Who are _they_?" Dain asked, severely offended at the idea of being ordered about by people he didn't know, one of them not even of his own race. To be honest I hadn't seen much of the cheerful dwarf I'd been told about, just a very surly one who complained about every single thing. Both Bilbo and I levelled our best glares in his direction but once again I was interrupted yet again by both Thorin and Fili both sounding outraged on behalf of us,

"That is my _wife_!"

"And my husband." Thorin was slightly more composed but his voice was like ice poison, "take care of how you speak cousin. Slights against the Dragonslayer and Princess Consort are personal insults to the Line of Durin." Oh, have I lost my badass phoenix status already? Cos that would've been a totally awesome way of putting that moron in line and it's like the world's best nickname. Ever. Wisely Dain kept his tongue in his head and thankfully instead of me barking orders it was Thorin finally restoring some semblance of peace.

Over the next two days most of it was placid and long with the three species all training, exchanging information and waiting for war. After this I decided that I wanted to set up some kind of Cultural Exchange Programme, parts because it might actually be interesting and parts because it would be mostly hilarious. The evenings were filled with the Company flitting between the halls of the dwarrows and the halls willingly shared by the elves and men. Thranduil had become genuinely fond of Bilbo it seemed as Legolas conspired with Kili and I that he would announce him as Elf-Friend if he survived the battle. There was also rumour of elf medical aid afterwards. Everything was going so swimmingly that I forgot for a moment this wasn't a surreal bonding attempt but preparation. A war was upon us, a fact thrown in to sharp relief when an elf called Maedhros burst through the doors proclaiming that a raven had just informed him that an orc army was only ten hours away. Thorin, who had been laughing with his husband up until that point, went grave and silent instantly.

"Everyone sleep. Tomorrow we meet that army side-by-side." He spoke after a long moment but it was my favourite confusing bastard Thrandy who finished,

"As allies."


	36. Final Battles and Moments

_Okay! So the battle is short and Kayleigh's fate may or may not be decided. Two/three chapters left!_

_My wonderful thanks to you wonderful people:_  
_**Guest  
Ari **(God I hope I don't disappoint you!)_  
_**Suheyla **(... both. Both is good... :D_  
_**Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
Ilya  
Guestgirl **(and more possibilities to come!)_  
_**BloodPixie140 **(am I still cruel? :)_  
_**Musje****5 **(oh god I was so tempted! But there wasn't enough time.)_  
_**3insteinComplex **(definitely maybe next time! fan art!? If I received fan art I would melt in to a puddle of excited and over-emotional me-ness! There would be tears!)_  
_**Wings of Tears **(well you're right about one thing...)_  
_**thetravelinglemon **(as always, your wish is my command. Later though :)_

* * *

Both Bilbo and I had been left to sleep well into the afternoon on the day of the battle so that by the time I actually got to the field Bolg, son of Azog was making a rip-roaring speech about revenge and everyone was chomping at the bit to get in to the fight. Needless to say our respective spouses were none too happy to see us there. Both had intentionally left us sleeping in the hopes that the battle would be over by the time we realised what had happened. Neither of us were too happy with the arrangement. When Bilbo and I faced each other and realised what had happened neither of us said anything. We ate the remnants of the what the armies had left over in the kitchens and then went to the armoury. We'd been taught how to dress in armour back at the beginning of a quest, ours still hanging on the side, a familiar mithril tunic waiting for Bilbo. We helped each other in to our armour and weaponry walked to the stables and moved our unimpressive ponies to the front of the line. Our spouses and adopted brother/nephew's faces would have been hilarious had both of us not been so pissed off.

"To think that I almost missed the main villain monologue because I overslept. Why don't you just shoot him Kee?" I knew the answer. Something about honour, which was all well and good but sometimes honour just didn't guarantee survival. Nori and I were of the same ilk in that respect. Before I could receive the speech though Legolas, who should've been standing behind us with the archers, shot Bolg in the stomach so that he was maimed but not dead enough to offend anyone's honour.

"The speech _was_ getting a little long." Legolas grinned lazily earning himself a fatherly tap on the shoulder from his father. The orc and goblin army and Bolg let out mightily offended roars and just like that the battle began. There wasn't any time for Bilbo and I to be lectured. We waited very patiently as they began to charge us. Not ashamed to say it although in this culture I probably should be, I threw up. God I don't think I can even begin to describe how scared I was. At least I understood that I was definitely going to die. Poor Bilbo, from the most peaceful race in all Middle-Earth, his fear must have been tenfold. The moment we were overtaken by the orcs and the hacking began Bilbo was braced against Thorin's side. We'd made the plan of him putting the ring on and staying low that he could kill Bolg. Both Fee and Kee stayed around me to defend me as I had my moment.

Let me tell you about battles. They are not as epic as they are in films. They do not last half an hour or come with their own soundtrack. All you can see and smell is blood, screaming and crying. If you can actually detract your attention from staying alive as much as possible of course. In reality they last maybe five minutes and it is brutality the likes almost none can comprehend, save those who have been there. I had a saving grace after my episode by shooting an arrow in the direction of a goblin biting Fee's shoulder. About a minute in to the destruction I was able to gather myself enough to shoot my arrows and kill a fair few number who made their way towards us three. When I ran out I made my way to collect some out of people's bodies and eyes but Fee wouldn't let me leave the protective circle I was encapsulated it. Legolas somehow flew past and dropped some for me. As I went to get them an enemy arrow hit my thigh. I went down. Fee was instantly there with his own dripping wounds although none fatal. I would be majorly pissed off if somehow they were. I turned my attention to the field where it looked that most of the enemy had fallen. I could just make out Bilbo ducking, weaving and about to plunge his tiny letter-opener in to Bolg. My second arrow was accidental friendly fire and hit the shoulder. Oh my god I was going to die a Boromir death, the exact opposite of what I wanted. Bolg's defeated roar echoed over the battlefield just as a desperate orc decided to pop up out of nowhere and bury his sword in my chest, forcing me down until I was on the floor. Sly bugger. Both Fee and Kee took their sweet time in hacking the bastard to death. When a surprisingly well-looking Thorin and a shaking Bilbo arrived in time for my wonderfully emotional farewell speech I knew the battle had ended and I was most definitely going to die. Everyone else knew it too. I tried really hard not to cry but when Fee and Kee began gross sobbing I couldn't help it.

"You'll come back though? You'll come back just once more." Fee asked as he gripped my hand.

"Give me a month to try Fee. And if not. Well. We had a good run didn't we?" By Durin's Beard I had mouth blood. My mother, a doctor, always told me that if blood was coming out of the eyes, ears or mouth then you should probably say your prayers to whatever god you follow. Well Aulë, if you don't get me out of this one safe and sound I'll trample up to your Halls myself and tear it to the ground with my hands. I will devote my afterlife to your destruction. Probably not the most endearing prayers of all time.

"No." Thorin said. No? _No?_ Fuck you Thorin. Not gonna lie but we had a pretty fantastic run. Meeting, fall in love, discovering we're each other's Ones and then getting married. Oh not to mention defeating trolls, forming alliances with elves and reclaiming a mountain. Fan-fucking-tastic if you ask me, "you'll be coming back. No dwarf in our family would be so defeatist." Scolding me and fully accepting me as I die and all in the same sentence. I almost laughed but my blood made me choke, "why this time?" I raised an eyebrow.

"The Line of Durin Thorin. The _entire_ line." Instantly the king's face shuttered with an emotion he was too constipated to express. I coughed up more blood convinced I'd drown in a macabre fashion. Fee curled up to my side and his lips against my cheek was the last thing I felt.

* * *

I woke up a second later staring at the ceiling of my room. The room I used to inhabit in childhood with all the marks left over from my old posters. I shot up in the bed with wide, confused eyes. Everything seemed the same. The dream-catcher hanging over my window with it's lace nets. The deep jewel green of my walls. My floor-to-ceiling books built over the years with a new addition. I slipped out of my bed and picked it up with trembling hands. A guide to the area in which I'd taken that long fall. It had clearly been wet at some point. I froze as the door to my old bedroom opened. My mother stepped in with a tray of tea. I remembered the tea pot. I'd dropped it at one point and received such a row.

"Well here you are Karnok. Is it Karnok today or Kayleigh?" She added drily.

"Kayeligh." I stammered out. My mother gave a delighted squeal, started crying and embraced me. I dropped the book I'd had in my pocket when I fell in to the sea.

What the ever living fuck?


	37. Normal' Programming Has Been Resumed

_I don't know what all of you are thinking, thinking last chapter was the last one? I did say in the author's note that there were two/three chapters left!? Have you not been catching the hints I've been dropping all through the story ;)_

_Some of you got what was going on :) so that made me happy. It was mentioned near the beginning of the story._

_**Luinwen-2013 **(If you like :)_  
_**BloodPixie140  
****Musje5 **(YOU GET ALL THE AWARDS! I shall miss you toooooo!)_  
_**thetravelinglemon  
Suheyla **(YOU ALSO GET ALL THE AWARDS! For getting ALL THE HINTS!)_  
_**Vault108 **(never fear! I'd never give you the 'it was all a dream' ending.)  
**Alice-Ann Wonderland **(sorry?)_  
_**vaalntine **_  
_**Guest **(I hear your virtual sounds of distress and here is the cuuuuure!)_  
_**Guestgirl **(SORRY!)_  
_**Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967  
Ari **(not the end :)_  
_**angelrider13  
3insteinComplex **(your feeling is right :)_  
_**Ilya **(you also get the HINT Award :D_

_P.S Everyone. **3insteinComplex **has done some amazeballs fanart and I'm just here like sobbing in a gloop of emotional happiness. Not sure if I can link yet but Y'ALL WILL LOVE IT :)_

* * *

From my falling in to Middle-Earth to dying out of it took the same amount of time I had spent in Middle-Earth. They ran on the same time frame, which is good because I'm not sure if I could've handled any Narnia shit. I was reunited with my family who had barged in the moment my mother had given a sharp squawk of joy. She started sobbing over and over 'you're back you're back'. I just sat there feeling numb as they cooed over and petted me. I asked what the hell was going on and what the hell was a Karnok. All three exchanged glances, sat me down and explained to me what had happened in slow tones.

I had been picked out of the water in New Zealand by the rescue team. When I'd awoken in hospital I'd started spitting out some language they couldn't understand but when Michael, my brother, tried giving me an example I identified it as Khuzdul. Basically a She-Dwarf called Karnok had just been falling asleep on the side of the road (Karnok was writing a diary here) when Mahal had decided to use her body as my vessel or whatever. My family hadn't quite known what to do but had coped by becoming part of my 'delusion'. They accepted that for now Kayleigh Gallagher had become Karnok a dwarf from Lord of the Rings as they thought. They promised to look after 'her' and help 'her' until I returned. Every day my mother would ask if it was Karnok or Kayleigh and the answer would continuously disappoint her. Until the day I said my name. As soon as my mother told me that though I broke down much, much worse than I had that first day in the Shire. Because I knew I wasn't staying here. Somehow I would find my way back to Middle-Earth and hopefully Karnok would return.

It took me a month to tell them this however. In that time barricaded myself in my old room and poured over Karnok's diary, wondering if she would be able to endure a return to this world. My worries were unfounded as she appeared to love it as much as I loved being in Middle-Earth. Naturally it had taken her time to adjust but eventually her natural talents as a travelling toy-maker had helped her enough that Michael had set up an online website for her. Karnok took to modern day technology like a duck to water. However it held no clues on how to get back. When I finally figured out that, interesting though the reading was, ultimately it couldn't help me I started crying again. Loud, angry sobbing that caused all of my concerned family to panic and settle me down in the kitchen with a nice cup of tea. I explained all to them. After my very long explanation, in which the sun was beginning to set when once it had been four in the afternoon, there was a long silence.

"You want us to allow you to be your alternate personality because you're happier that way?" Mum raised her eyebrows, her face betraying how selfish and deluded she thought me. I didn't bother to correct her on the alternate personality theory. As usual my father was stoic and my brother thoughtful. We all sat around the table of the kitchen that I grew up in. On the wooden door frame you could see where my father's trusty knife had dug grooves to record me and my brother's heights. When my brother had finally overtaken me I'd thrown a giant tantrum. There was still a mark on the floor where Michael had dropped a Christmas pudding already on fire and scorched a tile. There was bread cooking in the Aga and the smell was heavenly. Even with all of these though, even with my family in front of me I wanted nothing more than to be with Fili. And Kili. Hell even Uncle Thorin was starting to grow on me slightly.

"We'd never see you... well this side of you again?" Michael stammered over what to say. I guessed it was pretty weird seeing my body walking around but it wasn't me in it. It was Michael who was most accepting of Karnok in my body. Intuitively he understood that it wasn't me. I shook my head and cried. Maybe one day I'd come back but I truly doubted it so I didn't bother giving them false hope. Finally my father spoke after being silent for the past two days. Couldn't blame him, it was a lot to take it.

"I always knew we'd lose you Kayleigh but I never thought it would be to madness. I can't claim to understand it but if you're happier as this Karnok," I tried to protest that it wasn't me being Karnok, that we'd swapped, but my father changed his sentence just as I began, "sorry, in her place over there. If you're happier there then I ask that you go there. I'd rather have you not in this world then see you wander morosely around it. You're dreadful when you don't get what you want." Despite the weak joke I could tell that my father wasn't very happy. But it made me deliriously so. Until my mother spoke.

"Leave. If you have to abandon us do it somewhere I can't see. Somehow make this 'other you' know she's not welcome here again." My horror at the thought of my mother rejecting my choice and the idea that the She-Dwarf inhabiting my body may be without help in this world must have been palpable because Michael reached over and squeezed my hand before saying,

"_I _will help her. I liked her before, reminded me of you slightly. Now, how do we get you back there?"

It took a year and it was completely by accident that I returned to Middle-Earth. By the end of that year I too had begun to doubt my own sanity. Although my memories of my other life never faded it started to feel further and further away somehow. Like I'd never get back. Michael and I hunted in all the places we knew, using up the money and interest that had been gathering in my bank account in my absence, to find some kind of workshop for Karnok. In the end and not shockingly at all we found it in New Zealand and it came with its own orchard for her to replant trees and use the wood. My mother hadn't spoken to me and it still hurts that I never got to say my goodbyes. I spoke daily to my father and informed that I loved him and Mum everyday as if it were my last chance. Michael listened to me exclaim excitedly over Fili, Kili, Bilbo and Thorin but I changed the names just in case he truly thought I was mad. If I caught Michael crying sometimes which led me to crying and apologising then we never told our parents.

The day I crossed back over to Middle-Earth there was no dying involved. I had set myself up in New Zealand, claimed the visa required for Karnok to live under my name until she would legally change it to hers and was, at that point, climbing the apple tree. Tonight I had planned to make apple pie. I'd picked up the recipe for Bilbo and was going to practice when I just fell out of the tree. It was so weird. I hadn't lost my grip and I didn't even notice what was happening until I was falling. Then, as per usual, the world went black.

* * *

"Fili!" Were the first words ripped from my lips as I sat up from my sleeping position. I glanced around wildly trying to ascertain where I was. I couldn't recognise the area. It was neither a bit of the mountain or a medicinal tent. No it was a forest from the looks of it, Mirkwood maybe. Except that it was no longer Mirkwood but Greenwood. There were three prone bodies sleeping by a fire, two dwarrows and an elf. Two with beautiful blonde hair and one with dark. Three guesses as to who these were.

"Karnok, go back to sleep." Kili grumbled in his angry, sleepy voice. GODAMNIT KARNOK.

"Seriously! I am going to scream if I hear that woman's name again!" I screeched loudly in to the night. Not gonna lie, I was slightly emotional. I'd just spent the past year putting my family through the emotional trauma of watching their daughter choose perceived madness over them. But here the She-Dwarf was again, through no fault of her own, having taken over my life for a second time, "Fili get up. We've come to the part where you tell me exactly what the shit is going on. You too Legolas, come on. Up all three of you." All three of them did get up. They got up only to tackle me to the ground and poke me all over. Fee pulled at my cheeks to make my eyes go all wide as if peering in to my soul. Kee was checking out my fingers although I still have no idea what he was looking for and I'm pretty sure Legolas just wanted a cuddle.

"It's you! Kayleigh it's you." My Fee was crying, smiling and crying again. His hands were in my hair braiding of all things.

"Yes it's me. Now, I'd ask you to get off-" they squeezed tighter, "but you'd do that so I won't. Just tell me everything that's happened since I left please."

I almost wish I hadn't asked.


	38. Lengthy Description, Romantic Monologues

_Okay guys! Next and final chapter is basically a showdown between Dis and Kayleigh. Ready the popcorn dear readers!_

_Also; public service announcement. 3instein Complex has done some beautiful, wonderful and amazing fanart! I just cry about it all the time. Seriously. Here is the link: ** .com (/) art/Kayleigh-Gallagher-Character-Sketch-371300872? q=gallery%3A3insteincomplex&qo=0**_

_The people I love the most are:_  
_**Viper **(well here if your answer! :)_  
_**Musje5 **(PM me with any questions you have! I have a load of backstory to this that I haven't really gotten down here!)_  
_**Suheyla **(It was so hard writing the parents! Like how could you suspect they'd act to it?)_  
_**Guestgirl **(you are so welcome!)_  
_**Ari  
3insteinComplex **(I did mention Rivendell! I might do spin-offs. The Hangover - Middle-Earth style!)_  
_**volvagia09 **(that is probably the greatest compliment ever!)_  
_**Ilya **(read and find out my dear :)_

* * *

I had basically missed _all_ the good stuff! Bilbo, upon White Council telling him that his little magic ring was the One Ring, had taken it upon himself to cast it into the fiery chasm from whence it came! Now turned out Mordor wasn't uninhabited when Gandalf's eagles (who _hadn't_ joined in the Battle of Five Armies) dared fly close enough to inspect it. However all they needed was, as Legolas so blithely put it in the films, a diversion. So the White Council battled the Necromancer in Dol Goldur, drawing it out and making it last so that Thorin's, Galadriel's and Aragorn's armies could make the distraction at the Black Gate. Kili had taken the place of Gimli in that golden trio by the way. Also Aragorn? Totally King of Gondor at the young, young age of thirty something. Apparently it had played out that he was stubbornly refusing but everyone harped on at him until Ecthelion stepped down from his role as Steward and refused to rule unless Aragorn took up the throne. So the year I was out of commission Aragorn trailed Ecthelion to learn how to rule and Arwen has done the becoming mortal thing. All I need to do is wait for Eowyn and Faramir to be born and all of my otp's will be complete! Somehow in the past year peace had fallen across Middle-Earth. The time of the elves was still fading but Elrond felt pretty chill about it considering the dwarrows and elves were beginning to put aside their differences, most races were united and the One Ring was destroyed. All jolly good but guess what guys. I'D MISSED IT ALL.

Worst of all I'd missed Bilbo taking his siesta in Mordor, coming back all weighed down with his experience (although not as bad as Frodo's might have been). I'd missed the super sweet way Thorin and Company had put him back together again. I'd missed the wedding, although thankfully not my own. The moment Fili had discovered Karnok was in my body, well _her_ body, he'd taken out the marriage braid almost immediately. The previous plan had been that ours would be the second wedding in a reclaimed Erebor but the kibosh had been put on that obviously. I'd missed the rebuilding of Erebor. It's still going on though and will take absolute years to restore it to its former glory. Hopefully Bilbo's little hobbit contingency would stop there being any more gold fussing. Would any of you believe it if I told you that the Took side of Bilbo's family had taken it upon themselves to settle in some of the nearby hills of Erebor? They arrived for Bilbo's wedding because there would naturally have to be a hobbit wedding in the halls of the Lonely Mountain and decided to stay. Because the Men of Dale and Esgaroth and the Dwarrows of Erebor need folks of a sensible sort if they're ever to survive.

This brings me not-quite-so-neatly to why Fili, Kili, Leoglas and Karnok were travelling through Mirkwood-now-Greenwood. A couple of caravans were a week behind us as we went towards the Shire. This was basically to persuade some other hobbit families to join them in the creatively named Newshire. Bilbo had predicted that all would stay in the Shire although some of the Brandybuck's may be persuaded to visit. I didn't mind that so long as Primula Brandybuck and Drogo Baggins got their shit together and then all would be right with the world. Besides, even if no one came, then trade would be a wonderful thing to set up. Dwarrows had taken an unexpected liking to Bilbo's doilies and when he informed them that other hobbits were better at crafting them the demand for a trade link went that much higher.

This long bout of story-telling, which I have compressed into so many words for you, took us the rest of the night and all the day to Thrandy's palace. As soon as we rode in to his now thoroughly paradisal courtyard he shot one risen eyebrow look at me perched upon Fee's pony (like hell either of us were letting each other go for even five seconds after a year apart) and welcomed me back to Middle-Earth, "I am glad you have returned She-Dwarf." I didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted that he couldn't be bothered to remember my name, "You can fulfil our deal. Save Bilbo the other emissaries that Thorin sends are too boorish to bear."

"You know Thranduil, even though we only knew each other a limited time it would be nice of you to remember my name." Fee helped me down from the pony and instantly tucked me in to his side.

"All of Middle-Earth knows your name. Kayleigh Gallagher, the missing Phoenix of Erebor. You simply have not asked that I use it." Halfway through this sentence Thranduil had turned and swept like the creepy Dementor he is down some passageway making it pretty obvious that we had to follow him. Follow him we did, in to a small sort of living room with a roaring fire that, dare I say it, was almost _cosy_. There were pillows everywhere and there were no windows, just the orange of the fire against white walls. Something told me that these were made specifically for the use of visiting dwarrows. A most obliging gesture considering our last visit. Make that _my_last visit. The others had been before if their almost rehearsed movements in getting around the fire were anything to go by.

"Oh. Well. Kayleigh's cool. None of that Phoenix stuff as cool as it is. Slightly overdramatic. Where did that even come from? Wait, how does _all_ of Middle-Earth know my name?"

"Ori's book regarding the Quest for Erebor is well documented and told as legend by all races." Legolas said with a smug grin on his face since he knew this would make me squirm. It's kind of embarrassing considering all that I'd actually done was die very ungracefully and read a couple of books. I hadn't bothered to check if Tolkein's writing had changed because it might confirm my 'madness' if it hadn't. Tempted as I was that alone was enough to stop me from reading. After that time passed as Thranduil filled me in on the changes from his point of view. Naturally he still hated dwarrows but was much more tolerant of them now and tempers between the two Kings were still frayed but mending. Thranduil was confident that once Fee and I ruled the link between us would be solid once more. It was a while before we retired for the night. I was graciously given the room Karnok used but Legolas simply showed me to Fili's with that smirk of his. Then I found out what I really wanted to know.

Hours later we lay in bed wrapped up in each other, having relearned our saves. Fili's skill level remained unchanged which gave me some comfort, "no Kay I didn't sleep with Karnok and neither have I touched another in your absence. Admittedly I kissed Karnok once when she woke up two days after the battle but got punched in the jaw for my efforts." I was liking her more and more, "and you? I understand things to be different in your world." I didn't miss the nervous tensing of his body.

"Wasn't my world any more. My world is here you moron. I'm a _dwarf_ with a _One_. So no, I touched no other either. Even punched a few men of my own who tried." Instantly Fee relaxed against me. His fingers fiddled with the marriage braid he'd put in my hair the day before and redone tonight. A monologue was definitely coming judging by the growing atmosphere. My beautiful husband didn't disappoint.

"It was strange watching your body wandering about without you in it. Did you know she was toymaker? She got really close to Bofur and I couldn't help but hate him when I thought they'd start courting even though it wasn't _you. _The face was the same but she didn't walk like you, put your hair in to a ponytail like you and not even her voice was the same. Her accent was normal." Well yeah. Hers was Westron and mine was Welsh, pretty big difference, "But then he went and courted someone else. I checked every day that it was you. Kayleigh or Karnok?" Wow maybe you should have met my mother Fee, you have so much in common. "Then bam!" He copied a phrase I used a lot showing that my influence hadn't left the moment I did, "you're kicking us awake in the middle of the night screeching. It was the best sound I've ever heard in my entire life. I was inconsolable for the first six months. Unbearable Kili called me," which he did to me too, repeatedly, "and then I researched as much as I could in to this but found nothing. Just as Uncle had decided that a trip to the Shire was needed you came back." Suddenly I found myself pulled so tightly against Fili's chest that I couldn't breathe. I almost started crying. Okay I admit it. I started crying. It was just so _weird!_ Being back with Fee, a married couple once more and in the land and world I loved so much, "promise me you'll not die again. And never leave again."

"I promise. Now, about returning to Erebor... How badly do you think we can freak Thorin out?"


	39. Blatent Character Conclusion

_Here we have it! The final piece! It's long and by God is it fluffy! There is so much fluff and sugary sweetness that I'm probably going to fall in to some kind of hyperglycaemic coma :)_

_I've made room for a collection of one-shots if I get inspired when the second or third movie comes out. Who knows?_

_Also, just wanna send a massive thank you to everyone! All the readers, followers, favouriters, reviewers and everyone! Also huge thank you to **3insteinComplex **for her fantastic artwork. I don't think the link worked before but here's the second attempt that basically just links to her gallery (she's awesome, check it): **3insteinComplex ****. deviant art . c o m** just remove all spaces._

_Naturally the reviewers get a final hurrah! Last chapter dedicated to the following:_

_**Guestgirl**_  
_**Suheyla**_  
_**Musje5**_  
_**Ilya**_  
_**Ari**_  
_**Vault108**_  
_**thetravelinglemon**_  
_**3insteinComplex**_

_You guys are perfect! Hope this okay for you guys :)_

* * *

I raced along the halls of Erebor, the halls set aside for all of the royal family, as I began my mission. My mission if I chose to accept it was to hunt down Fili, "husband or not _Prince _Fili I will box your ears when I find you!" I hissed knowing that my voice would carry through the halls. I was pretty sure he was hiding on Bilbo's balcony, made specifically for him after he and Thorin had married. As happy as he was that there was a Newshire parked on his metaphorical doorstep Bilbo did miss his garden at Bag End. He'd been ever so happy when we'd brought back for him some cuttings from his garden. Thorin had sent ravens to Dwalin, who accompanied us, to make someone do the cuttings. If Fee and Kee had tried there would only be mangled remains of over enthusiastically cut flowers.

Whilst these flowers were a surprise for Bilbo, I was not a surprise for Thorin. It took a full year to return to Erebor what with all the travelling, setting up trade and making the hobbits think us dwarrows weren't such a bad sort. That actually didn't take as long as you might have thought. Once they found out we drank a lot, liked to have parties and ate more than our fair share of food, despite having them in three goes rather than seven, the hobbits were actually pretty okay with our presence. Still, they couldn't be convinced to leave their beloved Shire although some of the more independent hobbits were coming back with us to visit Newshire and help set up trade. Fee, Kee and I headed the procession that slowly made its way back to the front gates of the Lonely Mountain. I couldn't get over how different it looked. Before it had been a solemn structure, dark and full of chaos. Of course a dragon had lived there so allowances could be made. However of all the things I had been expecting it had been so many people. Laketown had been rebuilt away from the lake and was living under the name Dale once more, ruled by Bard the Bowman who had run the corrupt Master out of the town. It was again a booming market town although it would be a while before people would start travelling from all over Middle-Earth to barter there. Humans were allowed to wander freely in Erebor but only on one level, they were not allowed down below or in the living quarters unless invited by a dwarf and with permission from Balin. Balin still resided in the Lonely Mountain and had not sought out Moria since he had to advise Thorin and Ori had decided to attend our Shire journey instead. Dwarrows from all over had come to once more fill and stabilise the mountain and the Company had all been given high status. Bofur had gone on to court a noble woman and people were expecting to hear wedding bells within the next five years or so. The main gate was teeming with people and guards. Amongst them, waiting for us, was the entire royal family. Thorin, Bilbo and a dwarf woman I now know as Dis. She was broad and fierce with long, intricately decorated blonde hair and a magnificent beard. As we rode up to the gate her eyes pinned me to my pony. The following conversation went a little like this.

"You have finally returned to us Kayleigh." Thorin boomed, dare I say it, rather happily. I blinked unaccustomed to his good moods. Apparently there were a lot of them. So much so that when there had been a rebellion against his rule since he had yet to find the Arkenstone many people were shocked when the answering retribution had been swift and bloody. No one has contested his right to rule again. After my surprised blinking had faded I pouted and kicked Kili in the calf as he dismounted, causing him to stumble and land on his back, foot caught in the stirrup.

"Did you tell? I thought we agreed-"

"It was Dwalin." Dis suddenly interrupted and I jumped because holy crap is that woman's voice loud. Swiftly I slid off my pony, getting quite graceful at that shit, and curtsied as Ori had shown me. Not without swearing at Dwalin behind my back of course. The big old warrior simply huffed, "besides now my dear son quite simply cannot contain his excitement when before he couldn't even smile." Both Kee, recovered from his fall, and I glared at Fee as if he'd betrayed us. Fili simply shrugged and placed my hand in the crook of his arm.

"Amad, may I please present Kayleigh Gallagher, my wife." When we'd discussed actually formally introducing me to his mother Fee had promised to give all of my titles which included stuff to do with the Line of Durin, phoenixes and princesses (I was truly cutting a badass figure). I'd told them that if he did that I'd sock him in the nose, his mother's good opinion be damned, and that he should pick the one that he felt was most important. Rather telling the one he picked don't you think? Dis gave me the once over and I gulped remembering that Fili's habit of being covered with weaponry came from this woman and she made him look _restrained_. I'd heard from Dwalin that she'd knocked him out with something akin to the Vulcan Death Grip, kept at least twenty assorted daggers in the folds of her skirts and that her hair decorations were dipped in poison. I loved her and feared her all at once. I curtsied again.

"I'll deal with you later. Now my sons, tell me what-" I'm sorry I couldn't help myself.

"_Deal_ with me later? Why? What have I done that needs _dealing_ with?" It was just the dismissive way she'd said it that instantly had my back up and my stupid mouth running away with me. I ignored the many wide eyes and manically waving hands from the surrounding men that were telling me to stop. Dis levelled me with her most venomous glare. I only flinched a little bit I promise.

"You are the reason that my sons, although successful and unscathed in battle, sunk in to a deep depression for a year and condemned one of them to a lifetime of loneliness." Now the unscathed bit wasn't entirely true. Both of them had been littered with artificial but painful wounds and some had been deep enough to scar. Poor Kili's skin is a veritable patchwork quilt of angry memories and Fili has a deep groove running from the top of his shoulder to his hip. In bad weather his shoulder gets stiff and Kili will have difficulty moving. However the other bits were uncalled for. Fili tried to soothe me down from the angry tirade he could see was building.

"There are so many things wrong with that sentence I don't know where to start." Thorin made a noise that could have been a laugh but a glare from his sister was enough to turn it in to a hasty cough, "I didn't choose this entire thing you know. It wasn't my choice to leave for a year! So don't you go blaming me for something I had no control over alright. Besides I'm here now so you can just stop being all Miss Judgemental on my ass." Then I stopped, clapped my hand over my mouth and stared in abject terror as Dis stared at me like I should be a on fire. A look she shared with her brother since this wasn't the first time I'd been on the end of that look before. Didn't apologise though. There were several beats of tense silence before Dis burst out laughing and slapped me on the back, jolting me forward with the sudden impact.

"Let's get you settled in to your rooms and then you must have dinner with me. Fee tells me you're from another world, I'd very much like to hear about it. Maybe we can persuade Ori to part with some parchment so that you might write down the tale."

And so it was that I had a very affable dinner with my mother-in-law that night. Sometimes she likes to catch me out and glare at me for some perceived slight. I'll glare straight back, we'll fight like Kili and I do and everything will go back to normal. Normal being a relative term for me of course but fast forward twenty years and my normal generally consists of hunting down my errant husband to box his ears.

I burst in to the main area of the royal suite where the family will gather in their free time. Today Bilbo, Legolas as royal friend, Kili's betrothed Gildar, Dis and Michael are sitting there with Bilbo patiently teaching Gildar the art of crochet. Legolas didn't even look from his and Kili's game of backgammon when he asks, "and what has your poor husband done now?"

"Poor husband my sweet tush," no swearing with Michael in the room, "that little rat has only gone and ordered Gloin to give me bed rest. I'm _pregnant_ not deathly ill." I was in such an excitable mood that Michael responded instantly, wriggled from his grandmother's lap and waddled over. Fifteen years old and still a toddler, it never fails to freak me out. He begged me to play a game with him, probably with the toys Bofur, his wife and Bifur love plying on him. They keep making toys for the new one even though I've told them the new child can play with whatever toys Michael had. I squatted down, all ungraceful now I seem to have swallowed a planet, and said, "not now sweetie. Amad's got to hunt down Adad and punch him repeatedly until he gives in." Michael just giggled yanking on my hair until _I _gave in. Taking tips from his mami the good lad.

"You never get in the way of a Durin protecting their treasure." Dis shook her head whilst laughing, "Fili's hiding out on the balcony. Came in here just before you did begging not to give him away." There was a muffled shout of dismay from Bilbo's balcony but I was the one who had to go out there since Fee was too coward to come out and face my wrath himself. Pouting I padded as fast as I could out there only to have it all fade seeing my husband grinning wretchedly in the middle of flowers.

"At least stop going down to the market?" Fili had long learnt that giving me a ridiculous order then offering me the reasonable compromise he'd wanted all along was the way to get me to do what he wanted. Also it had come to light that I was a dab hand at organising and had taken twenty years to work my way up to being manager of all of the indoor dwarrow market. When Fee became King it would all stop of course but for now I was enjoying being all working mother and that. Scrunching up my nose I huffed in agreement. Fili darted forward and dropped a tiny kiss onto my nose which didn't un-scrunch until he offered his usual peace offering, "I brought you this to entertain yourself with for when you're not in the market. I remember Amad asking you to write down your tale when you first met and you haven't done it yet."

* * *

So here we are my gentle readers. My tale all nicely written out for you since I'm trapped away in a mountain 'for my own safety' as my husband puts it. I hope you've all enjoyed the story. I have been your writer for this evening.

My name is Kayleigh Gallagher. I have most definitely fucked shit up.


End file.
